Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I read the following quote on this blog today http://route1520.com/
"The freest person in the world is one with an open heart, a broken spirit, and a new direction in which to travel." ~Gordon MacDonald
My heart is softened today and hope is thriving. It has been a good 24 hours. I thank God for days like this, they seem few and far between. I am proud and amazed at my husband's 90 days of sobriety. It takes guts and sweat and God to get sober. It is not an easy road, this I know from my own sobriety. I am hopeful for our future today and am hopeful for how God will use this and hopefully us to help others walk the road to a life of freedom and living and obeying Him.
On another note my oldest looked at me with his hands raised high and said "Lord come...what is it you say mom?" Me- "Jesus come quickly, son! Jesus come quickly."

Let Go and let God!

This is such a funny quote. But so true. It's about letting go and let God be in control of your life.

Part of being humble is saying to God that I don't have the answers, so why don't I just shut up! This is very hard for me. I don't know how to walk this way, but I do know it's the right path and I really desire right in my life instead of the path I have been walking.

When I finally opened my eyes and was able to begin to see my life through sober eyes, I felt pain. All I wanted to do was fix this pain, to fix what I have done, and "I" was going to get myself well. I was seeing 3 counselors, going to 2 churches, going to Celebrate Recovery 2 nights a week, going to a men's sex addiction group on 1 night and community group on another. But what I wasn't doing was letting myself heal. At some point you have to let what you are doing take it's toll. It's not going to happen quickly. It's taken me 30+ years to get here, it's going to take time to heal. I would love to say I came to this conclusion on my own because I am still prideful, but my sponsor helped me realize this. A good sponsor has been critical in this healing process and I have an incredible one!

My point! For the past 90 days (been sober for 90 days today, picking up my chip tonight) I have been doing everything "I" can to get sober. To Heal.... it's time to Let Go and Let God! I want God to be in control of my life and I want to surrender to His will... it's not easy....


Sunday, January 24, 2010

God's Providence

So I signed up for a step study to help me recover from alcoholism. Needless to say I had no idea how much I would need it and need these women to walk with me through so much more than just not drinking. It is NOT coincidence, but God....
- that I struggled with an addiction to alcohol which led me to find Celebrate Recovery and that my husband eventually came and joined a step study which led to him confessing.
-had me in a step study and my leader would be a Godly women who has walked through a broken marriage, because of her husband's sexual addiction, and their marriage has fully been restored.
-that her husband is my husband's sponsor.
-that she is now my sponsor.
-that this all came to light after 3 months of sobreity, a perfect time to start a WHOLE new life in every way.
-that the holidays were after that which meant I was very busy and there was some relief of not thinking about it 24/7.
-that I am an alcoholic and can go to an AA meeting for a daily reprive of my emtions and have a tremendous support group and a multitude of people who pray daily for me.
His hand in it all. The timing.... It is all Him, and may He use our story for His glory.

Genesis 41:52

“For God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.” This is my prayer for the week.

Pain and Providence

This is what the sermon was on today. It was on the story of Joseph and how he endured pain of being sold into slavery by his own brothers, but yet God's hand was in it all. God has to be sovereign, if not then I would be hopeless. My sponsor through Celebrate Recovery recently shared with me..."During our darkest days, I was regularly tempted to just give up because it was too hard. I so wanted to play that “get out of jail” free card that God gives us when adultery is there. In the beginning it was my children that held me there. I wanted to break the curse of generational sin in the their lives and I truly believed that the only option for me was to give their Father a chance at redemption, so that He could become the Father that they deserved. But ultimately God kept putting Himself and His Word in front of me. His word says I am here to glorify Him with my life and one of the ways He chooses to do that is through my marriage. We walk away many times in our own power. But the only way a woman, who has been betrayed as we have, can stay is through the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives. It is not possible to do alone, trust me, I tried. Don’t lean on your own understanding in this, your pain will tell you to run."
That has been so encouraging because I have stayed because of my children. I do want them to grow up with their daddy around who does love them and is a great father. I am slowly seeing he wants to use all this pain and affliction for His glory, but I must continue to turn to Him to be reminded, minute by minute. Satan whispers in my ear what an idiot I am to stay and all the what-ifs. I know I must trust and I am wrestling daily to do so. God whispers to me to in the brighter moments, "Don't be afraid. I am faithful to you." Several points made in the sermon were "God's providence is the ONLY foundation for embracing life's pain. Not only does he SURVIVE the pain, he THRIVES in it. God takes the sins of His destroyers and makes them the means of their deliverance." May I believe this to my core.
It is not up yet, but the sermon was amazing. Here is the link to sermons, hopefully it will be up tomorrow. http://www.brookhills.org/media/series/

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

2 Cor 4

I hear you God.....

7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves (This explains my post from yesterday, that I am fragile as a clay jar…) 8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

There’s not much more I can say


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Extreme Insecurities....

The resounding theme in my many meetings is that sex addicts are starving for acceptance. WE are very insecure and we have turned to a very cheap way of receiving that acceptance. With pornography, you never get turned down, you never get told you are worthless, you are never laughed at for the job you have, you never get told you are fat and ugly, all you get is this smiling person on the other end who makes you think you are at that moment attractive to someone. It's cheap, it's pathetic, it's weak, but it is what I am seeing, hearing, and feeling as a sex addict. I want to be stronger, I want to be anything but what I have just said, but something, somehow, somewhere I have ended up at this point. My goal is to hang onto 2 Corinthians 1:3-11. Specifically verse 3 where he says "God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort".... But that is a process, and right now just words, but hopefully I will begin to feel that comfort, because right now I feel like a sex addict.....


Monday, January 18, 2010

More diamonds....

"If other conditions like pressure and chemistry is right then the carbon atoms in the melting crustal rock bond to build diamond crystals."

Conditions have to be just right...that is amazing. I can't question the conditions that God has in my life and wouldn't choose to go through this to get where I am going, but if this is what it takes to make a diamond, am I willing to endure it? That is the promise I am hearing right now. Definitely wasn't what I was hearing last week during deep desperation, but today I hear that.

I do know the path I am on, the path of truth and honesty, is much greater than the path I was on.. the path I was on just leads to destruction. Is this what He meant when He said,"The Truth will set you free".... it feels a lot more like freedom than the stronghold the lies had on me.


A diamond in the rough?

I googled how diamonds are formed and read this:

“Diamonds are formed under tremendous heat and pressure. Diamonds form deep below the earth's surface. According to science, the carbon that makes diamonds comes from the melting of pre-existing rocks in the Earth's upper mantle. Temperature changes in the upper mantle forces the carbon atoms to go deeper where it melts and finally becomes new rock, when the temperature reduces. If other conditions like pressure and chemistry is right then the carbon atoms in the melting crustal rock bond to build diamond crystals. During volcanic eruptions, diamond crystals eventually make their way to the earth's surface. The magma from the volcano rises along with the diamonds and deposits them on the surface where they are later found and mined.”

When you get engaged, you give your fiancĂ© a diamond ring. Not a man made zirconium ring (fake diamond), but a beautiful diamond. Sweetheart, when you look back at our marriage, I know you see a zirconium. And most recently, you probably think that even that fake diamond was stolen. But I hope you can see that we’ve been going through tremendous heat and pressure. That it’s not going to happen overnight and may take a few more years. But underneath my surface, this surface of a broken, dirty sinner, there is a beautiful diamond waiting to be brought to the surface.

Our marriage has just had a volcano erupt. Mass destruction is happening and most people flee at this time. But sweetheart, I hope you can wait for what is to come, the same way a woman in love with her boyfriend waits with great anticipation for that diamond engagement ring. The next few years are going to be hard, but the way I see it, you have made it through most of the heat and pressure, the diamond is formed, it’s just taking this volcano eruption to bring it to the surface. Please don’t flee.

Here’s the rest of the article on diamonds:
“So you see that Mother Nature has to toil for millions of years to make a diamond. When you own a piece of diamond, you own something which is a legend in the making. It has not been made in a factory just the other day. A diamond comes from the bosom of the earth.”


Monday, January 11, 2010

Closer To You

Heard this on the Christian radio on the way to take the kids to school. It is by Mat Kearny. Loved it, very appropriate. The days don't seem to be getting easier...

She got the call today, one out of the grey
And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away
She said she didn’t believe ‘it could happen to me’
I guess we’re all one phone call from our knees
We’re gonna get there soon

If every building falls, and all the stars fade
We’ll still be singing this song, the one they can’t take away
Gonna get there soon, she’s gonna be there too
Cryin’ in her room, prayin’ “Lord come through”
We’re gonna get there soon

(Chorus)Oh it’s your light; oh it’s your way
You pull me out of the dark, just to shoulder the weight
Cryin’ out now, from so far away
You pull me closer to love, closer to love

Meet me once again, down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin’ Down with the wind
And don’t apologize for all the tears you’ve cried
You’ve been way too strong now for all your life
I’m gonna get there soon, you’re gonna be there too
Cryin’ in your room, prayin’ “Lord come through”
We’re gonna get there soon

(Chorus)Cause you are all that I’ve waited for all my life(We’re gonna get there)
You are all that I’ve waited for all my life
You pull me closer to love, closer to love
Pull me closer to love
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love, closer to love, closer to love
You pull me closer to love

Family Devotions

We have started following the family devotions from Brookhills http://www.radicalexperiment.org/. It already has been a blessing for us and the kids, especially my middle child she seems to really enjoy it. We have been listening to the worship song and then reading scripture from the children's Bible and then everybody prays. I can't describe the peace that washes over me as I tuck the children in. I desire to have a stable, Godly family for my children to grow up in. We have a long ways to go and hopefully God will fully restore our marriage and trust.
A week in Wheaton was helpful for my soul. It was a nice break and just the baby and I went. Entering back into reality and chaos is a bit hard, but I am ready to jump into this New Year with recovery being the number one priority. Continued prayer for my anger and bitterness is needed!