Thursday, December 30, 2010

Jesus Speaks

So this morning we had a 2.5 hour counseling session, our once a week time, with our counselors Suzanne and Paul Talley. On the way there me and the mister were discussing when I feel God talking to me, and lately it is often. A side note is that on Tuesday we had talked about the mister taking a silent retreat to learn to hear God's voice and to talk to God. Brennan Manning, the author of many books, talks about this in the Ragamuffin Gospel. A time you get away and seek to hear from and speak to God without any interruptions or distractions. A place of solitude.
I was sharing about how lately I really do hear God's voice very often, an experience in which "the mister" said he hadn't experienced. Paul pointed out it was bc I listen and it takes trusting yourself and knowing God's voice. Not sure how I have arrived at this, for sure the days of darkness and desperation, but I do know God speaks to me in intimate ways through-out the day. So, that is the latest topic in our household and I pray I remember the days I feel God speak and move, bc there sure are times I feel He is silent. I want to always be in tune with Him and His voice. I can't imagine life without the times I have heard him whispering and sometimes shouting peace and calmness amongst the trials of life.
Here is a Monastery in Georgia that does private retreats. I hope the mister can go and that at some point I can too. It looks beautiful!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Christmas

As the snow continues to fall here I am reminded of God's graciousness and love for sinners like me. It is beautiful and refreshing and reminds me His mercies are new every morning. It is a gift to have little snowflakes falling on Christmas. A rare experience you get in the south on Christmas day. Christmas for me this year was so joyful in celebrating the birth of our Savior. A tiny babe who was sent to this earth not with trumpets sounding, people celebrating or a big welcome party, but on a dark, dark night in a manger, surrounded by smelly animals with a mother and father who were barely teenagers. A blog I read quoted 1 Corinthians 1:27 "God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." Enough said.
Praise God for Jesus and our family! What a miracle it is that we can celebrate all together as a family and that we have Jesus slowly rebuilding our lives. Our children are benefiting from His work in our marriage. We are together as a couple and therefore together as a family. Although, it is not perfect and there is still disappointment and sadness that lingers, there is a hope. A hope that was given by the little babe born many years ago. Talking to my sponsor the other day she was talking about when she abides in Him, His love is perfected in her. I have no need to fear or to be angry, I can abide trusting He is moving and working and in control. Abiding constantly is hard, but when I do I know it. When I fail to abide I feel it, emotionally and physically.
I pray I may be mindful of that tiny babe -constantly- who came to give me life to the fullest. My husband, my children, my friends can not fill the void, only He can fill it and by abiding in Him I quit searching for something to feel that. I love seeing my children excited, hearing their screams of delight, seeing their innocent faces, having engaging conversations and fun times with my husband, but ultimately these are gifts I am able to receive, grateful for, but they aren't where the joy of my soul comes from. That comes only from my Lord and Savior and the rest are extras. I am thankful for Christmas as a reminded of the greatest gift fallen humanity could ever receive. It is mind boggling to think about and grasp! So thankful God is not silent anymore and that he lives and breathes true life, joy and contentment into the very depths of my soul. I pray everyone may experience such a spiritual awakening and have a "second journey" in their life, whatever that may bring.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The bottom or the top?

I had an amazing Christmas brunch with some old friends who have impacted me through-out the years. We got on the subject of blogging and how each felt like their lives weren't interesting enough to blog. I encouraged them to do it for themselves. Whether people read this or not it is therapy for me and my soul and I know that most people would consider this blog boring or maybe inspiring, but either way it doesn't matter. I enjoy it and it is good for me to look back and to be able to see growth.
After they left one friend emailed me blogs she read and how she felt like a failure and hers would not compare. I feel like God has taught me so much through recovery and I was able to share my thoughts in return.... When we place ourselves on the top of the heap or the bottom, both are egotistical. The latter is just pride in reverse. Neither are the Gospel. I have lived in both of these realms. The bottom for sure always felt the most comfortable. Through kind friends, mentors and counselors over the years I have really been able to grasp I am a little of both--a saint and a jackass. When we put ourselves down we are not grasping the gospel, when we build ourselves up we are not grasping the Gospel. Any good we do comes straight from God and the bad in all of us are because we were born into a fallen world with sin in our hearts that only Jesus can save us from. We ALL have it, whether your an addict or not.
The Bible doesn't have a lot to say about people who had white picket fences and had their life "together", if anything he slams those people (Pharisee's) far more harder than the people who don't have it together. David had an affair and murdered a man, yet was called a man after God's own heart. Peter denied Jesus three times, and all the others who constantly failed. I am grateful today to grasp the Gospel in a tangible way and no longer live on the bottom which is clear to me was extremely prideful in a different way.
Thank you for Jesus. The rescue for sinners. The ransom from heaven. Jesus Messiah. Lord of ALL!!!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Living the Gospel

What does this mean? A friend and I discussed it just yesterday. What does this look like in my life? We talk a lot about it and get it in theory, but having the conversation we had about it brought about a realization that I haven't been doing it so well lately. I love Jesus, but I also love myself, my time, my schedule and get pretty belligerent when things don't go the way I think they should.
Living the Gospel well is looking at Jesus and seeing He sought after your wretched soul over and over only to be betrayed and hurt. There are consequences to our sin and bad choices, but being repentant and going back to seeking Him and living for Him, He is always there and always has been there. It means forgiving, it means choosing to love and engage my children and my husband when I don't want too. It means showing up and thinking how would Jesus love this person in this circumstance. It means acting kindly despite how we are treated, but also respecting and loving ourselves enough to put up healthy boundaries. It's not a checklist and you can't make yourself live out the gospel well, but God can through you. God can give you a gracious spirit, a loving and humble heart, but we must ask and seek Him.
I want to be a gospel driven women. To be rid of selfishness and pride, and it is hard. I am just grateful for His grace in the times I fail. And they are often. I want to be reminded daily, this life is not for me and when I make it about me I become miserable, quickly. I pray for His grace as I still grieve, hurt, and feel pain,disappointment and wrestle with fear. This too is all a process, may I go through it and grow graciously!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


For today I am praying for wisdom, strength and courage. To know which way to aim my sails when I am catching no wind and to continue on with the courage to change. Today, I am saying the serenity prayer for a multitude of reasons and my heart is heavy with grief and sorrow on many levels that I won't share here. I am healing, I am acting in new ways and I am trusting God to grow me and continue to show me His way and His direction. Old behaviors have arisen and I have replaced them with new behaviors. I am listening more and thinking less. I am trusting more and feeling my strength grow. I am hoping more for myself, wanting more for myself and respecting myself which is a new concept to me.
I know no matter what storms may blow, and they will come, Jesus is with me. He is molding and making me and knows exactly what I need, when I need it and what I can bear with out breaking.I pray I leave a legacy like Elizabeth Edwards has left her children. A mother who they have watched respect herself. A mother who has been faced with many hard choices to make and has made them with grace and courage. A mother who was gracious and loving and has sought to hold her head high with dignity even though her husband chose trash over a great treasure. A mother I am sure her little ones adored and will greatly miss. I hope she is in heaven dancing on the streets of gold with the One who was faithful to her to the end.

"I do know that when [my children are] older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm…and when the wind did not blow her way – and it surely has not – she adjusted her sails.”– Elizabeth Edwards

Thursday, December 2, 2010

A new kind of me and a new hope

Well... it's 10:33PM and I am at an office all alone. Amazing the difference a year will make. A few years ago I would have wasted so much time looking at pornography, but tonight is different. I am not going to say that it couldn't happen, I am not a fool, but it has not been on my mind at all. I know it's hard for anyone to believe me, why should they? But if anyone does, I hope it gives you hope. I really have zero desire to search for it, nothing short of amazing. I want to be honest and say that if it popped up or was on a page I went to, I would still be tempted....remember, this is the thorn in my flesh, the messenger from Satan to keep me from being conceited....but, my desire is different these days.

I want to be at home with my family. I want to be a better husband for my wife. I want to know how to woo her. To pursue her. To give her everything I can and everything she deserves...... I want to HONOR Things are so different than they used to be....

I will say life is very sad for me right now. I still haven't talked to my family in over a year. I do have a father who I have been able to make amends to, but so much to recover from all those lost years. I am feeling pain more than I ever have.....It's only natural to think that I was feeling pain before when I was "acting out" and think that is why I am having pain now, but the truth is, an addict doesn't like to feel pain, and as soon as they do, they medicate, or "act out" to try to numb the pain....only for the pain to return. I want to mourn. I want to feel the pain and HEAL from it. Then I can be the man I want to be, the husband she deserves, the father I never had.....and then I can be a new kind of me.....and that gives me a new hope....


pls pray God will teach me how to pursue my wife.... I am crazy about her and want to show her how much she means to me....because right now, I'm not doing so good at it.