Theme for the Day

"This is not a destination, it is a work in progress." How true that is, having lunch with my sponsor we were talking about this very thing. There is no such thing as spiritual perfection. We aim to be more like Christ, but our flesh fails us daily, but yet we keep striving. Where there is discord we pray for unity. Where there is hate we pray for love. Where there is despair we pray for hope. A year ago I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous an irritable, discontent, restless soul. Today I walked through those very same doors a happy, content, peaceful person. Recovery works if you are willing. When you are at the bottom of yourself and your efforts and are ready to do whatever it takes to walk the road to freedom then you are ready to take your first step. Surrender, what an easy word to get in theory, but hard to get in your soul. By God's grace I was there, I was like a sheep who was willing to follow as if my life depended on it. What a bittersweet time. Since that time I have gotten to the bottom of myself in other area's, how I treat people, my anger, my control, my sadness....it's a scary, but beautiful place to get too for then you are ready to take the first step, hand God the reins and let Him take control.
So as I continue along I pray for the grace of constant surrender. I pray to know and obey my Savior more because I truly love Him and he has rescued me from a death in which I could not save myself. He has taken a tormented soul and set her free. By no means do I live this perfectly, but I strive to daily. I am conscious of my failings and don't try to do better because there is no way I can, but with shaking hands and a discouraged heart I hand them over to Him and know and trust that His grace abounds more than I can begin to fathom. I am thankful for a Father who knows and loves me and before I can say "I am so sorry, I failed again" He whispers to me "I am so glad you came home." Recovery and sobriety have given me more than I ever hoped, I am being made into a new creation in every way and have fallen in love with my Lord who has always just been a "Savior" to me and no one, not even death can take that away. I look forward to the day I DO reach my destination and see His heavenly face. Until then I journey on the beaten path with those who encourage me along until that day.

Just an update

I am thankful today for so many things. I am thankful for a deep peace. I am thankful for a year that is coming up for my sobriety July 30th. I am thankful for my sweet sleeping three, healthy children. I am thankful for good books which point me to having a deep, deep faith- Hudson Taylor's autobiography is the lastest. I am thankful for being set free. I am thankful I am growing to know myself, the GOOD and the bad. I am thankful for my recovery groups and everything I have learned over this past year from the people in them. I am thankful for our church and our sweet, sweet small group. I am thankful I woke up today and that I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in at night, and for sure air conditioning.
I am seeing the world through new eyes. I am reacting to others in new ways. I am learning to love and accept who I am in Christ and to respect myself and trust myself. I am learning what it really means to let go and let God. I have a long road ahead of me, but I am excited. I am excited to keep experiencing a deep joy and peace that few people ever get. I am excited to get to know and love my Savior more everyday. I am excited about being free from my resentments and hurts...I am getting there, slowly. I am excited about walking with others towards freedom from their hurts, habits and hang-ups as I soon will move into getting sponsee's.
Life is good and I have never been happier. A quote from Hudson Taylor's book really hit home- "No unforeseen mischance had happened, but that these circumstances which seemed to be so trying were necessary links in the chain of a divinely ordered providence, guiding to other and wider spheres. God does not permit persecution to arise without sufficient reason....He was leading us by a way which we knew not; but nonetheless His way."
God still does move mountains. He performs miracles and he changes hearts and lives. I am blessed because I get to see it everyday in recovery. I see broken people become restored and lives changed. It is nothing short of God's hand and His work in broken, ruined run-down lives. Although I would never have chosen this road, I can today say I am grateful for each struggle and difficulty. For I know Him in ways I would have never. I have clung to Him as the billows rolled over me and I thought I might drown in sadness and anger. BUT He has been faithful. He has been the light in the darkness and shown me the way on a journey I on my own strength and will could have never made. I shutter to think where I would be if He weren't with me guiding me.... for sure in a dark, dark place. So today HIS light shines through me. He is with me now in all I do. "His will not mine" in everything. I am dancing to a different tune, that of a sweet Redeemer's soothing voice and am dancing on enchanted ground. Praise be to God!

The Same Team

I sent this out to my sponsors and mentors last Monday. It was a great week.
I woke up this morning at 5 and God gave me a vision. Their were two people with their swords drawn and their Shields up facing each other, ready to battle and protecting their selves. It obviously was C and I and how we have been our whole marriage. Meanwhile, they were being struck with fiery arrows and being beaten by the real enemy, Satan and his spiritual forces. They turned around and begin fighting the real enemy when they realized they were on the same team. C is a new creation and new man and instead of beating him up when he continues to struggle I need to come alongside and use my shield of faith and the sword of the spirit- prayer and scripture to help him fight on. He is on my team fighting against slavery just like me and fighting our way to the promised land.
For weeks now I have gotten this in theory, but the vision was so clear and I FINALLY feel like it is sinking into my heart. He was able to be honest that it is still a struggle looking at women, and in him having the courage to be honest that opened the door for me to peace and courage to help him, not by trying to help him put up his shield or put on his helmet for him, but to put up mine, the tools God has given me, encouragement, prayer and reading his word. My fear will gain us no ground and leaves me paralyzed and the enemy gains ground if I am buying into HIS wily schemes. Just wanted to share with this with y'all as I know you all pray for me and are wanting to help me in this battle. I feel free today and know God is ultimately the Caption of our army and we must keep looking to Him to know how to battle. I was able to share this with C and we had an amazing time of prayer this morning!

Letting Go

Well, it's been a rough 2 weeks with little to no peace. Finally I am getting some serenity back and learning to live again in healthy ways. I am now involved in Al Anon, yes 3 programs, and am learning more each time I go to a meeting. At Bethesda they taught us about our co-addicts, how we are so sick and unhealthy because of our addicts behaviors and behaviors we learned to survive with at a young age. I am looking forward to this journey of becoming a new person in every way. I am learning to take every thought captive and it helps going to meetings to be reminded to do so. Not getting on the "crazy train" of our addicts and living each day practicing the tools we are given. It is hard letting go of old behaviors and patterns that are ingrained in our marriage, especially when it comes to relating to each other. Most of the time, I get angry or I shut-down, neither which are healthy.
I am learning and being comforted in, it is me and God. I am responsible for my actions, responses, anger, etc... and there is nothing I can do to control my addicts behavior. Last night at an Al Anon meeting a lady shared her husband relapsed, he took the appropriate steps in taking care of himself and she took the kids to the pool and she was mentally and emotionally okay! That is what I want to get to. To be okay whether my husband relapses or he doesn't. To know I have no control or responsibility for his actions, only my own. She was able to enjoy her children and be present even amidst his chaos, and she didn't allow herself to be dragged into it. I am hoping to learn getting to the "show-up" place and engaging my husband, but not being so intertwined with him and his addiction and recovery. To be okay with him, and to be okay without him. I am working my program and working on "letting go and letting God."

Psalm 101

I just got back from Bethesda, the healing for partners workshop and I learned so much that I am still trying to wrap my head around. I met so many amazing women and am thankful for some healing time for myself and a chance to understand my own destructive behaviors in how I relate in my marriage. The focus was on becoming a healthy person, trusting God and getting to the show-up point, not crazy, for your husband. Not controlling or going down into the "rabbit hole" of craziness, but understanding your part and your reactions in getting to a point where you can have true intimacy with your husbands and YOU are healthy, whether they get there or not you will know by their behaviors and won't spent countless hours "looking" for clues. The last thing I wrote in my journal was "who am I going to be?" not realizing that I had even written that question several days ago, I opened my Bible and it was Psalm 101. God said "this is who you are going to be" to me. I then went to journal what He had spoken and found the question I had written days before. WOW! That is God. So my prayer is that I can be this- A women who walks with Integrity.

I Will Walk with Integrity
A Psalm of David.
101:1 I will sing of steadfast love and justice;to you, O Lord, I will make music.2 I will ponder the way that is blameless.Oh when will you come to me?I will walk with integrity of heart within my house;3 I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless.I hate the work of those who fall away;it shall not cling to me.4 A perverse heart shall be far from me;I will know nothing of evil.
5 Whoever slanders his neighbor secretlyI will destroy.Whoever has a haughty look and an arrogant heart I will not endure.
6 I will look with favor on the faithful in the land,that they may dwell with me;he who walks in the way that is blameless shall minister to me. (this for me is going to Recovery Meetings and walking with other women who have gone before me.)
7 No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house;no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes.
8 Morning by morning I will destroy all the wicked in the land,cutting off all the evildoers from the city of the Lord.

A fierce love

I heard this on the radio today. It was about adultery and a women choosing to stay because of the vows she had made before God, even though her husband still choose the women after he confessed, but since this letter was written their marriage has been restored. It was humbling and made me grateful, that my husband confessed and that it was over and he is actively seeking recovery. The part about her 11 year old son made me weep. It was from the series Revive Our Hearts, it is lengthy, but so good.

“Why I Will Not Divorce My Husband."
Nearly two years ago my husband told me that he had been involved in an adulterous affair with a younger woman for the past six months. That moment began a journey I never expected to take in my lifetime. I’ve chosen not to divorce my husband even though he refused to stop the affair for over a year after his initial confession.
Several people have questioned me about why I have made this choice. In fact, some just assumed that divorce would be an automatic response to his unfaithfulness to me. When Steve [and that’s not his real name, but I’ll just call him that] and I were married almost 25 years ago, I made a covenant with him before God and our families and friends. That covenant as I repeated my vows, was "for better or for worse as long as we both shall live."
I realize that Steve has broken his part of that covenant; however, I do not believe this means I should divorce him and break my part of the covenant. I realize there are differing opinions on the scriptural basis for divorce. Many claim the "exception clause" in Matthew 19 as the only grounds for divorce. Others refer to 1 Corinthians 7 and claim abandonment as another ground for divorce. Yet in Matthew 19 when Jesus was confronted with this issue, He made it clear that God’s plan for marriage is until death.
Later in the chapter when pressed further, Jesus replied that it was only because of hardness of heart the divorce was allowed, but "from the beginning it was not so." In Malachi 2:16, God says He hates divorce.
After studying these passages, it is obvious that God’s intent is that marriage should be for life. Even Jesus did not say to divorce even when adultery has been committed. He reiterated the Father’s heart for a lifetime covenant. I would find it very hard to pursue something or to counsel someone to do something that God says He hates.
There are even some theologians who believe that the immorality or "fornication" to which Jesus refers, [in that exception clause, that that] had taken place in the betrothal or engagement period, allowing for the betrothed couple to be "divorced."
In Ephesians 5 the marriage union is presented as a picture of Christ and the church. Think of the spiritual adultery and unfaithfulness we continually commit against our Savior as part of His church—yet Christ never divorces us. He shows mercy, grace and forgiveness to us no matter how unloving and unfaithful we are. We may break our part of the covenant, but the covenant is still not dissolved because Christ keeps His covenant. His love and forgiveness draw our hearts back to Him.
Yes, He definitely uses pain, sometimes through severe discipline, to bring godly sorrow and repentance. But He also uses His goodness or kindness to lead us to repentance. Based on these and other biblical principles, I’ve come to the conclusion in my heart that I cannot and will not divorce my husband. I want to display the true picture of Christ and the church before my husband, our children, family, friends and the world. I want to have a heart like God’s concerning my marriage covenant.
I can only come to the conclusion that His heart is marriage for life. As for the "exception clause" in Matthew 19, I think it is very possible that Jesus was not referring to adultery in marriage but to immorality during the engagement or betrothal period. All this does not excuse my husband’s sin or give him license to continue breaking his vow to me.
First Corinthians 7 speaks of the possibility of separation. I believe separation for a period of time is not unscriptural as long as the intent is to be restored. I had been at this point with Steve for a couple months prior to his stopping the affair.
There is great pain inflicted upon the innocent mate when adultery has been committed. [Some of you know that all too well.] For me, the agony has been indescribable because I felt we had such a good marriage and such a close relationship before this happened. Steve and I were best friends, soul-mates, lovers and had a ministry team for Christ. So to be replaced by another and to experience continual rejection for over a year and a half is crushing. Some would say that this kind of pain is grounds for divorce.
But what am I teaching my children by getting out of a painful relationship? Do I show them that when times get tough you can run and try to find someone else who will make you happy and not hurt you? Or do I show them that God never promises us happiness, but holiness. Do I show them by divorce that God is not strong enough to see me through pain and suffering or do I fling myself upon my Savior and receive His strength and grace and show them He is enough?
Do I present a picture of Christ and the church that is accurate—Christ never casting us off even when we sin greatly against Him? Or one that presents Christ putting us away when we break our covenant to Him?
John Piper makes this point in his book, A Godward Life. [And now she’s quoting from that book.]
Our culture has made divorce acceptable and therefore easier to justify on the basis of emotional pain. Historically, the misery of painful emotions was not a sanction for divorce in most cultures. Marriage durability—with or without emotional pain—was valued above emotional tranquility for the sake of the children, the stability of society, and in the case of Christians, for the glory of God. In Christianity such rugged and enduring marriages through pain and heartache are rooted in the marriage of God to His rebellious people whom He has never finally cast off.
Covenants are broken because it feels good to free from the commitment. Covenant breaking is a way of short-term pain reduction. But in the process of reducing our pain we destroy life.
Pain-free relationships are assumed as a right. But God promises His people something better. "Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love him" (James 1:12, RSV).2
A few months ago, our son, who is 11, came to me and said that when he saw what his dad was doing to me and to him and to his sister, he initially decided he never wanted to get married. However, he went on to say that as he had watched me forgive his dad and show love and mercy over and over, he decided he wants to get married so he can show that kind of commitment to his wife and children some day. He wept as he told me this and thanked me for my example.
I wept tears of gratitude to my Lord for allowing all the pain and sorrow I had experienced to be used for good in my son’s life already. I’ve experienced the broadest spectrum of emotions these past two years. I’ve wept many tears. At times I have felt crushed into powder.
Yet I believe everything God has allowed my children and me to go through has been meant for good and for His glory. I see it as a gift to be embraced, for my Father who allowed His Son to suffer so greatly for me would not allow anything in my life with intent to harm me but only to make me more like Himself.
I have blown it many times by some of my reactions and responses. I have been angry. At times I have been so deeply discouraged that I wanted to call it quits. I have been far from perfect through it all. Yet I have such a deep joy in knowing I have chosen to obey my Savior no matter the cost.
Some have suggested that the only reason I have not divorced my husband is because I am insecure. I do not claim to be without insecurities. In fact, I don’t feel very secure in my husband’s love for me right now. I know his heart has been given to another and I find myself grasping for assurance from him that he still loves me and wants me.
But one reason I have not pursued divorce is because of my security in Christ and in His love and faithfulness to me. He has taught me for many years that I must rest in Him and not only surrender to what He allows but accept and even embrace it. I find great security in this kind of rest in my Father’s choices for me.
In fact, I have to sit back and marvel at it all. It is all Him and none of me. Throughout these painful months He has sustained and carried me even above my circumstances. His love has been so sweet and His Word so healing to my soul. I can only fall before Him in awe and gratitude that He saw fit to give me the privilege of suffering. To Him I give great glory and praise for what He has done and will continue to do.
I realize that I have no guarantee that my husband will ever love me the way he once did. I have known of people who have come through this kind of moral failure with more depth in their walk with Christ and ministry to others and with a deeper love for their spouse than ever before. That’s what I am praying and hoping for. But what if that never happens and Steve is never restored to the man he once was, or, as I pray, even better? Does that give me a basis to divorce him?
I believe not. My covenant with this man is rooted in Christ. I am in it for the long haul. All the hurt and rejection I have felt have not lessened my love for my husband. In fact, quite the opposite has happened. I knew I loved him but I never knew how much until this happened. God has given me a deeper understanding of what true love really is—His kind of love. I can only describe it as a fierce love that cannot give up on the one it loves and is committed to. I realize that great men of God disagree on the grounds of divorce. Who am I to tell them they are wrong? But I can only obey what I believe Scripture teaches on this issue.
My journey is not over. My husband and I are in the process of being restored in our marriage. There have been many times since he came home that were as tough to endure as when he was gone from us. Satan is still after him and after our marriage. I know there are still painful times ahead in this process. Yet I believe God will see our family through the days ahead as He has the past two years. I am truly grateful for what God has allowed for us. I believe He wants to use us together for His glory again someday. Until then I can only stay bowed to what God allows and continue to rest in His love.

Fear and Anxiety

I have had a good morning, been praying and reading since 4 this morning, but feel as though the enemy is attacking me with fear and making me anxious. I need prayer for peace and calmness today. I know I can't do life without God and am brought to my knee's everytime I think I can. Our oldest got accepted into the school we want him to go to and financially we can't afford it, but it is our only option. Pray that we will both have faith that God will provide for us.