Intimacy

This has been on my prayer list for several months. I am realizing how I fear it and if I feel like it is there in any relationship, I pull away. I am still working on why, the obvious is my childhood- a father who was present physically, but not emotionally and a mother who needed her children too much emotionally and ultra controlling. Then throw in a bad high school boyfriend, alcohol for years, and an unfaithful husband. I expected these issues with my husband, neither of us know what intimacy should or could look like with each other, but I am seeing it with my children. Oh, I cuddle, snuggle, talk, ect...but when I feel like they NEED me to connect, really connect with them, something unconsciously screams "fortify" and a wall slams down somewhere in my soul. With realizing it and prayer and others prayer, the intimacy with my children has gotten better. I am more quick to hear my "fortify" alarm and stay and fight through feelings that for me are uncomfortable at times.
Still haven't gotten as aware of when the urge to "fortify" ,myself with my husband bell goes off, but maybe because that is more a constant bell and harder to hear. I am protective and defensive A LOT, not that it is right, but that mode is built-in and how I have survived a lot of the heartache and pain of a broken marriage. I also am seeing with a clearer vision how the affairs and alcohol were just a band aid to a broken down marriage. It has always been broken, WE have always been broken and looking outside of Jesus to fill us up. The more I look at Jesus the clearer my reality becomes and the more I see the TRUTH of things about my marriage, rather than just the FACTS. We are ALL in recovery from our first parents, Adam and Eve, we all have used and tried to make ourselves feel better with stuff, religion, food, sex, vacations, ect...I am just a broken cistern living with another broken cistern in need of a Savior to fill us up and restore us.

Journaling.....

So tonight, I sat down to journal, something I am very new to, and something I don't do very often. I started writing my feelings on page 1, and it pretty much became a "poor me" log.... I became very sad, felt sorry for myself, texted a few people to tell them how sad I was, and started getting very depressed....but something tugged at my heart to continue.

So I turned the page over and began writing down what I remembered from a sermon tonight on how we are adopted. I just started putting every good point I could remember from that sermon.... what happened to my heart was beautiful. That pain and misery was lifted. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I became so very grateful for what was given to me, not what I didn't have. The pity became gratitude, and the tears were tears of joy.....

Lord, thank you for not letting me stop on page 1..... thank you.....thank you.....

C

I am so homesick....

Two days ago I was driving to meet with my sponsor and tears overtook me. I felt the overwhelming pain that I am not meant for this world and there will always be pain in this world. Not too long ago, maybe even days ago I think I felt like if only _____ would happen, then I would be happy. Tonight after just talking to my wife about my addiction and how gross it all is, I just feel helpless. I want to tell her the reason I did it was because of _____, but I have no answers. She is feeling as if it had something to do with her, she wasn't pretty enough, she wasn't good enough, something, but there is nothing further from the truth. That's what is so disgusting about being sick....

I can't explain it, and I hope one day my wife will feel as special as she is. That God will use me to lift her up, that He will soften her to one day actually hear me when I tell her she's beautiful, and she will believe it. That day may be way off, but doesn't mean I can't hope for it.....

In the mean time, I have tears. This is not our home... this is not how we were created. This is not a life in His image, but rather a life of brokenness, daily repentance for the wrongs I continue to do... and it's not going to stop any time soon....

Babe, I love you. I am sorry that I haven't written a post on this blog, I wanted to, but I let the world get the better of me. I let myself become so busy that I couldn't see how important this is. Life is very hard when you stop numbing the pain and start feeling it... I just hope one day, we can walk side by side together.... as God truly intended it to be...

C

Theme for the Day

"This is not a destination, it is a work in progress." How true that is, having lunch with my sponsor we were talking about this very thing. There is no such thing as spiritual perfection. We aim to be more like Christ, but our flesh fails us daily, but yet we keep striving. Where there is discord we pray for unity. Where there is hate we pray for love. Where there is despair we pray for hope. A year ago I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous an irritable, discontent, restless soul. Today I walked through those very same doors a happy, content, peaceful person. Recovery works if you are willing. When you are at the bottom of yourself and your efforts and are ready to do whatever it takes to walk the road to freedom then you are ready to take your first step. Surrender, what an easy word to get in theory, but hard to get in your soul. By God's grace I was there, I was like a sheep who was willing to follow as if my life depended on it. What a bittersweet time. Since that time I have gotten to the bottom of myself in other area's, how I treat people, my anger, my control, my sadness....it's a scary, but beautiful place to get too for then you are ready to take the first step, hand God the reins and let Him take control.
So as I continue along I pray for the grace of constant surrender. I pray to know and obey my Savior more because I truly love Him and he has rescued me from a death in which I could not save myself. He has taken a tormented soul and set her free. By no means do I live this perfectly, but I strive to daily. I am conscious of my failings and don't try to do better because there is no way I can, but with shaking hands and a discouraged heart I hand them over to Him and know and trust that His grace abounds more than I can begin to fathom. I am thankful for a Father who knows and loves me and before I can say "I am so sorry, I failed again" He whispers to me "I am so glad you came home." Recovery and sobriety have given me more than I ever hoped, I am being made into a new creation in every way and have fallen in love with my Lord who has always just been a "Savior" to me and no one, not even death can take that away. I look forward to the day I DO reach my destination and see His heavenly face. Until then I journey on the beaten path with those who encourage me along until that day.

Just an update

I am thankful today for so many things. I am thankful for a deep peace. I am thankful for a year that is coming up for my sobriety July 30th. I am thankful for my sweet sleeping three, healthy children. I am thankful for good books which point me to having a deep, deep faith- Hudson Taylor's autobiography is the lastest. I am thankful for being set free. I am thankful I am growing to know myself, the GOOD and the bad. I am thankful for my recovery groups and everything I have learned over this past year from the people in them. I am thankful for our church and our sweet, sweet small group. I am thankful I woke up today and that I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in at night, and for sure air conditioning.
I am seeing the world through new eyes. I am reacting to others in new ways. I am learning to love and accept who I am in Christ and to respect myself and trust myself. I am learning what it really means to let go and let God. I have a long road ahead of me, but I am excited. I am excited to keep experiencing a deep joy and peace that few people ever get. I am excited to get to know and love my Savior more everyday. I am excited about being free from my resentments and hurts...I am getting there, slowly. I am excited about walking with others towards freedom from their hurts, habits and hang-ups as I soon will move into getting sponsee's.
Life is good and I have never been happier. A quote from Hudson Taylor's book really hit home- "No unforeseen mischance had happened, but that these circumstances which seemed to be so trying were necessary links in the chain of a divinely ordered providence, guiding to other and wider spheres. God does not permit persecution to arise without sufficient reason....He was leading us by a way which we knew not; but nonetheless His way."
God still does move mountains. He performs miracles and he changes hearts and lives. I am blessed because I get to see it everyday in recovery. I see broken people become restored and lives changed. It is nothing short of God's hand and His work in broken, ruined run-down lives. Although I would never have chosen this road, I can today say I am grateful for each struggle and difficulty. For I know Him in ways I would have never. I have clung to Him as the billows rolled over me and I thought I might drown in sadness and anger. BUT He has been faithful. He has been the light in the darkness and shown me the way on a journey I on my own strength and will could have never made. I shutter to think where I would be if He weren't with me guiding me.... for sure in a dark, dark place. So today HIS light shines through me. He is with me now in all I do. "His will not mine" in everything. I am dancing to a different tune, that of a sweet Redeemer's soothing voice and am dancing on enchanted ground. Praise be to God!

The Same Team

I sent this out to my sponsors and mentors last Monday. It was a great week.
I woke up this morning at 5 and God gave me a vision. Their were two people with their swords drawn and their Shields up facing each other, ready to battle and protecting their selves. It obviously was C and I and how we have been our whole marriage. Meanwhile, they were being struck with fiery arrows and being beaten by the real enemy, Satan and his spiritual forces. They turned around and begin fighting the real enemy when they realized they were on the same team. C is a new creation and new man and instead of beating him up when he continues to struggle I need to come alongside and use my shield of faith and the sword of the spirit- prayer and scripture to help him fight on. He is on my team fighting against slavery just like me and fighting our way to the promised land.
For weeks now I have gotten this in theory, but the vision was so clear and I FINALLY feel like it is sinking into my heart. He was able to be honest that it is still a struggle looking at women, and in him having the courage to be honest that opened the door for me to peace and courage to help him, not by trying to help him put up his shield or put on his helmet for him, but to put up mine, the tools God has given me, encouragement, prayer and reading his word. My fear will gain us no ground and leaves me paralyzed and the enemy gains ground if I am buying into HIS wily schemes. Just wanted to share with this with y'all as I know you all pray for me and are wanting to help me in this battle. I feel free today and know God is ultimately the Caption of our army and we must keep looking to Him to know how to battle. I was able to share this with C and we had an amazing time of prayer this morning!

Letting Go

Well, it's been a rough 2 weeks with little to no peace. Finally I am getting some serenity back and learning to live again in healthy ways. I am now involved in Al Anon, yes 3 programs, and am learning more each time I go to a meeting. At Bethesda they taught us about our co-addicts, how we are so sick and unhealthy because of our addicts behaviors and behaviors we learned to survive with at a young age. I am looking forward to this journey of becoming a new person in every way. I am learning to take every thought captive and it helps going to meetings to be reminded to do so. Not getting on the "crazy train" of our addicts and living each day practicing the tools we are given. It is hard letting go of old behaviors and patterns that are ingrained in our marriage, especially when it comes to relating to each other. Most of the time, I get angry or I shut-down, neither which are healthy.
I am learning and being comforted in, it is me and God. I am responsible for my actions, responses, anger, etc... and there is nothing I can do to control my addicts behavior. Last night at an Al Anon meeting a lady shared her husband relapsed, he took the appropriate steps in taking care of himself and she took the kids to the pool and she was mentally and emotionally okay! That is what I want to get to. To be okay whether my husband relapses or he doesn't. To know I have no control or responsibility for his actions, only my own. She was able to enjoy her children and be present even amidst his chaos, and she didn't allow herself to be dragged into it. I am hoping to learn getting to the "show-up" place and engaging my husband, but not being so intertwined with him and his addiction and recovery. To be okay with him, and to be okay without him. I am working my program and working on "letting go and letting God."