Today.

For today I am praying for wisdom, strength and courage. To know which way to aim my sails when I am catching no wind and to continue on with the courage to change. Today, I am saying the serenity prayer for a multitude of reasons and my heart is heavy with grief and sorrow on many levels that I won't share here. I am healing, I am acting in new ways and I am trusting God to grow me and continue to show me His way and His direction. Old behaviors have arisen and I have replaced them with new behaviors. I am listening more and thinking less. I am trusting more and feeling my strength grow. I am hoping more for myself, wanting more for myself and respecting myself which is a new concept to me.
I know no matter what storms may blow, and they will come, Jesus is with me. He is molding and making me and knows exactly what I need, when I need it and what I can bear with out breaking.I pray I leave a legacy like Elizabeth Edwards has left her children. A mother who they have watched respect herself. A mother who has been faced with many hard choices to make and has made them with grace and courage. A mother who was gracious and loving and has sought to hold her head high with dignity even though her husband chose trash over a great treasure. A mother I am sure her little ones adored and will greatly miss. I hope she is in heaven dancing on the streets of gold with the One who was faithful to her to the end.


"I do know that when [my children are] older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm…and when the wind did not blow her way – and it surely has not – she adjusted her sails.”– Elizabeth Edwards

A new kind of me and a new hope

Well... it's 10:33PM and I am at an office all alone. Amazing the difference a year will make. A few years ago I would have wasted so much time looking at pornography, but tonight is different. I am not going to say that it couldn't happen, I am not a fool, but it has not been on my mind at all. I know it's hard for anyone to believe me, why should they? But if anyone does, I hope it gives you hope. I really have zero desire to search for it, nothing short of amazing. I want to be honest and say that if it popped up or was on a page I went to, I would still be tempted....remember, this is the thorn in my flesh, the messenger from Satan to keep me from being conceited....but, my desire is different these days.

I want to be at home with my family. I want to be a better husband for my wife. I want to know how to woo her. To pursue her. To give her everything I can and everything she deserves...... I want to HONOR her.....wow. Things are so different than they used to be....

I will say life is very sad for me right now. I still haven't talked to my family in over a year. I do have a father who I have been able to make amends to, but so much to recover from all those lost years. I am feeling pain more than I ever have.....It's only natural to think that I was feeling pain before when I was "acting out" and think that is why I am having pain now, but the truth is, an addict doesn't like to feel pain, and as soon as they do, they medicate, or "act out" to try to numb the pain....only for the pain to return. I want to mourn. I want to feel the pain and HEAL from it. Then I can be the man I want to be, the husband she deserves, the father I never had.....and then I can be a new kind of me.....and that gives me a new hope....

-C

pls pray God will teach me how to pursue my wife.... I am crazy about her and want to show her how much she means to me....because right now, I'm not doing so good at it.

Thankfulness

Good morning and Happy Thanksgiving. God is so gracious and His mercies are new every morning. I am so thankful for my sweet little ones that run around my feet, give great bear hugs, tell me how thankful they are for the Bible and The Gospel, God and Jesus, keep me laughing and keep me striving to seek out and love the Lord and teach them everyday about our Savior who loves them beyond their imagination. I pray He will use each of them intentionally for His kingdom as they grow. They already teach me more about having childlike faith and minister to me daily.
I am thankful for my marriage. I am thankful that we can raise our children together and we aren't separate this Thanksgiving and our children aren't being shuttled around between the two of us. I am thankful for a year of sorrow and pain that has led us to growth and freedom in our marriage. For a husband who shows up and expresses his disappointments, fears, hopes and dreams to me and that I am sober today to listen and engage him. I love him. I really do. We have walked through the fiery furnace and we have both paid consequences in huge ways for our sins, but ultimately we can say "God is good" and He knows how much we can bear. His mercy NEVER ends and his steadfast love endures through out the ages even to ragamuffins like us. We only have today, this moment, and we can only be grateful for another day of sobriety! And that we both are.
A little update on our marriage recovery....We are now walking with a couple, Suzanne and Paul Tally (www.christianmarriagesincrisis.com) who we meet with 3 hours a week and talk to everyday. They believe that your own recovery is important, but so is your recovery TOGETHER as a couple. When two are joined together in marriage Christ ultimately sees you as ONE flesh, so it is important to come together and work recovery together for your marriage. It has been amazing and we have already seen so many truths and revelations about each other and ourselves. As I have stated before the quote I love, "He has made us fruitful in the land of our affliction." His promises are true and He is restoring and redeeming. To not cherry coat it and make it all sound wonderful, the honest truth is that it is hard and painful. It is healing though. We are rebuilding our marriage from the foundation up. The old is gone and the new is coming. Some days are better than others, some days I have peace and some days I have angst in my soul I can't shake, but I have faith on the those days that God is moving, working and restoring. We would not be here without Him. God is all, or He is nothing. Today I can cling to He is ALL...Praise be His name!
Side note...to rid myself of self-pity, angst, chaos, whenever I am just plain hurting, making a gratitude list on paper always helps show me see His love and faithfulness for me. Today I am grateful and know the story of my life is mapped out. I can trust and rest in the fact He knows me and loves me and seeks me out to console and help me to rest in the shadow of His wings!

9 Years....

It's easy to get excited about all the anniversaries we have in our life and celebrate. We both have been sober for a year and that 1 year anniversary was cherished. Our sobriety was something we both had wanted for so long and yet felt it was impossible. But then we both stood in front of fellow broken sinners and picked up our celebration chips and people celebrated with us, congratulated us, love us, and supported us.....Our two boys are about to have birthdays and we are trying to plan a party to celebrate their lives... to let them know they are special to us and we are grateful for them.

But how does OUR anniversary get so overlooked? How does the anniversary of the day we took our vows 9 years ago now, become just another day? I don't want my marriage to be just another day..... I want to celebrate that my wife stood by me when no one else would. When she had every reason to run, she stood by me...talk about celebration. What person could have endured the past 9 years with someone like me, after I have done what I have done? She should be celebrated, and anyone reading this should celebrate with me the fact that she decided to do what God said do and not what man said. And she decided to fight for her children, and not leave them with a broken home. She's anything but a black sheep, she's a hero! I hope tomorrow I can make her feel celebrated!

I look at how Paul was treated, and how he was stoned, thrown in to prison, and beaten multiple times, and he never stopped singing praises. For anyone who has walked with Suzanne over the past year, you have seen joy, contentment, and her singing praises.... still not sure how.

So what now? I really don't know... but I do know how wonderful it feels to be honest with my wife. To be exposed and loved despite it. (A small taste of the love Christ shows us every day) And to be 100% on her team. Fighting with her, and for her as best as I can. I don't know how she survived the past 9 years with me, but I I have real hope for a better next 9 years, and many more to follow.

I don't deserve it, I don't know how I got it, but there are no other words to describe it other than Amazing Grace (this song was sung at our wedding, how ironic)

Happy Anniversary!
C

Encouragement

My sponsor and leader of step study wrote this for me. As our step study ended every women wrote affirmations for each other and I hate I missed the last meeting where it was all shared. This is what my sponsor wrote to me and it meant so much.(side note, I got into step study bc of alcoholism and my marriage blew up two months into step study)

"My friend, no one could have imagined what God was going to require of you in this past year. I think in His infinite wisdom, He decided to yank off your old self like a band aid, the pain very intense but exposing the wound to air and light so that healing could begin. You faced the pain, sometimes kicking and screaming and sometimes with trust, but you never backed away from it. I have watched as you took off the dirty clothes that either others have put on you or you had put on yourself and replaced them with His righteousness. Slowly learning to accept yourself the way He sees you and loving others beyond capacity...."

I love this women for so many different reasons. She has challenged me in ways no one else could have and with such grace and wisdom. Many times I left angry at the Truth she was speaking and wondering if I could really walk through this and continue on. Her love and never backing down when I was really, really angry at times has in turn given me up most respect for her. God knew I needed her to hold my hand, love on me, and show me when I was wrong! Again a testament to His grace and faithfulness.

In a rut

So I have been in a rut the past two weeks. Writing about it is therapeutic to me so here we go... I have lived in angst and have been down right crazy. Old behavior and thought patterns popping up everywhere, TONS of self-pity and laziness. It has been very discouraging to feel and watch yourself spiral downward. After two weeks of living in this manner, I decided to dive back into heavy recovery.
I went to a meeting last night for 30 minutes, it was all the time I had, but while there a peace pulsed through me which I hadn't been able to find in a while. Today I went to a Jafi meeting, one downtown, and let me just tell you I thought I might have a panic attack, almost left until the meeting started and people started sharing. Jafi is a very diverse meeting. For one hour the mighty descend and the lowly rise. People coming from their 6 figure jobs in three piece suits and sitting next to those who are next to homeless with no teeth and laughing and joking. It is a holy place, it grieves my heart deeply that I don't experience this kind of atmosphere in church, no doubt in my mind this is what heaven will be. For one hour people spill their guts and the man in the three piece suit and the man with no teeth have something in common. They have come to a broken place, a shattered life that most are slowly trying to rebuild. There is no pride, no judgement, nothing but people sharing over and over the miracles they have experienced through sobriety. There are ex-cons there, people diagnosed with HIV, people who have lost everything and moms like me who haven't lost a material thing, but their self. It is truly amazing. For one hour I get out of myself and connect to people in ways I can't explain. At the end we all hold hands and say the Lord's prayer, and that alone brings tears to my eyes almost every time.
It is a gift. A gift from God to be able to go and experience a roomful of miracles that share a common purpose and hope. Do I want to drink again? No, but if I stopped going to meetings and experienced the angst like I have the past two weeks I am pretty sure I would choose to drink again, if anything to escape myself. It is a relief and like medicine for the soul. When I am willing and open to go to these meetings and seek God's will and help for my life he blesses me in ways I cannot begin to explain. Tonight I am joyful, productive, and enjoying my family and I could not have said that at 5 pm. That, my friend, proves God's faithfulness and grace and something I could not have done on my own.

Some thoughts...

The past year God has blessed us with a handful of couples to walk beside us in the journey of healing and walking towards Jesus. They are our small group. From letters to gifts, to phone calls, cakes and flowers, and most importantly prayer and encouragement they have preached the gospel to us as individuals and a couple. They are such a blessing and testament to living out the gospel in allowing us to hurt, cry, laugh, live authentically and always, always encouraging us to follow Him.
We have started a new book this season called "Intimate Allies" by Dan Allender and so far it is great. We are only in the first couple of chapters, but our discussion the other night was on disappointment in your spouse and living in hope. Living in disappointment is wrong and idolizing your spouse is wrong. Neither are living out of the gospel. Lately, I have been dealing with this and God has been showing me new things daily. There is no doubt this book has come at such a time like this.

I have started realizing my thoughts in degrading my husband in my mind, shaming him to myself and this becomes my reality in which I act out of. In acknowledging this several weeks ago, I begin to realize actually how often I did it and how I was living in disappointment, acknowledging it is healthy, staying in that place isn't. God revealed to me that I needed to pray for whatever I was disappointed or angry in. For example... wisdom. I wish he would make wiser decisions for us as a family, so I begin to pray the Lord would give him wisdom. After talking to my sponsor today she recommended taking it a step further and asking God to give me spiritual eyes in seeing where he has progressed and where he had made wise choices. Immediately I was able to rattle off some things that came to mind, where before my vision had become so blurred with what he wasn't doing that had become my reality and I had actually missed some of the wise choices he had made.

P.S. As I was finishing this my husband came in (not knowing what I was typing) and prayed with me and it.was.beautiful. and a very wise prayer. The verse while he was praying that came to mind was "Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you..."I feel like that is happening all around me...everyday.