Longing....

It's been a while... I am good, my marriage is more than great, but I feel a longing, an emptiness still. This I have learned is my longing for heaven and to be in true communion with God. I desire God when the storm's and tempest roll. When life is calm and all is well, how quick I forget my need. The everyday chaos of life with children would make one think I would be on my face asking for His mercy and grace every morning, but I don't. Discontentment and looking at the world as "this is it!" sets in and I forget the Valley and the God who led me out of it. My best friend reminded me tonight, as I was discussing my ever so absent spiritual life, how much we are like the Israelites. God is right there watching, waiting for me to remember. Hoping I remember my darkest night, when hope, at it's best, was a tiny flicker. Remember my days of bondage to alcoholism and how I couldn't wait to feed my addiction and how I have been set free. Instead I build other alters to worship and try to find my happiness in other things. I search for the right paint colors, a new pillow, cute kids clothes, which is not bad, but when my joy and desire for these things rises above my desire for the one who made me and can breathe real life into this shell of a women...then my life is meaningless and empty.
My prayer for the coming day tomorrow is... to have God filtered into all my conversations, spend time reading his word and to pray on my hands and knee's as if I was still in my valley. To make a gratitude list and to be aware and intentional in my relationship with Him. I do not want to walk another valley anytime soon, I know there are plenty ahead, but I want to sing with joy and to worship the One true God who is worthy of my praise on good or bad days. Great is His faithfulness. He has never left me. I long for a spiritual awakening. For a filled soul with a Big, Huge God. For his glory to shine in and through me with those I come in contact with through-out the day tomorrow. For it will all burn one day and paint colors are nice, pillows can make a room pop, clothes are fun to shop for, but at the end of the day it just doesn't bring you life. May I be ever mindful of my little alters and how shabby they are in comparison with my Prince of Peace.

Some thoughts.

So, in the wee hours this morning, I couldn't sleep well and was thinking about my journey. I grew up in a culture that you did the right thing. Period. It was laced with the Gospel and I am sure most the adults informing me on how to live a pure life had good intentions, but a regular thing it always lacked was the heart behind it. That is scary to talk about it, because truth be told our hearts are black and ridden with sin, so how does that play into doing the right thing?! And if people were honest and said what they were really thinking and how they really felt, well then the living a pure life would have been confusing so it was just easier to say "walk the straight and narrow and don't ask questions." Well, being a thinker and intuitive I had questions. I had tons of them and tons of turmoil going on inside, which we all do, but that wasn't really something anyone wanted to talk about it. I think most adults in my life were battling their own demons and to keep those at bay, they chose denial and making sure their lives looked clean and polished and trying their hardest to keep it together. I think of the movie "Nemo" when Dory says "just keep swimming, just keep swimming."
Then the pendulum swing. The straight and narrow with no heart just didn't cut it for me. I don't now and never have liked cookie-cutter houses, schools, churches, you get the point. So as an adult I wanted heart and diversity. I wanted to talk about the things churning inside me. I wanted live a life of honesty and freedom laced with the Gospel. Both sides of the pendulum have good intentions, but both sides miss the point. Sex, drugs and rock n roll laced with church did not bring comfort. Talking openly and being in a church where people could be free to struggle was very freeing to me, so much that I felt entitled in my sin.
I am not sure if I can put into words the summary of what I am trying to say, but here goes. In AA, they talk about whatever, whoever it is you need to find "your God of your own understanding". For some that means meetings, for some sponsors, but here is where you see the Sovereign Hand of God and my story coming together. Without all the theology and doctrine (with little heart) that I was fed growing up that was good, I might have been really confused and my God could be a doorknob, if I hadn't been taught the truth and grounded in the Word. Without having been in the church I choose in my early adult years, which led me to really seek my heart, but with little truth of how God calls us to live Christian lives then I might just be living a life now in which I just am doing the next right thing. (again God's hand in the story)
Bottom line the Prodigal and the Legalist are both depraved. They both need something far above their sins and their deeds to save themselves. The legalist does all the right things, for mostly the wrong reasons, which is sin. The Prodigal sin's is pretty evident as he lives a life of entitlement and doing his own thing. I have found both sons in the Bible story about the prodigal are the prodigal son's. They both are sinners in need of a mighty God to reach down and save them. In AA I was really able to see the God of my understanding and take the good out of both my church experiences. A God who longs to know me intimately, who won't run when I tell Him my heart (even the dirtiest parts, he already knows anyways) and a God who demands obedience, coming out of the heart that is in true communion with him. I fear for my friends who live with God JUST as their "Jesus"... where he is just their Savior. I live with fear, almost more, for my friends who God is JUST their "Lord"...and they have such "reverence" for him they miss the point of true relationship and knowing Him intimately. I think the verse sums it up "Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart, soul, and mind." When you do this obedience comes natural and is not contrived or forced.
This is the stuff that goes on in my head from day to day. The little conversations I have within. Hope it makes some sense.

Blessed

Wow! It's been so long. I forgot what this blog even looked like. I am blessed and healing and free and happy and trusting and good. Really, I am. I tend to write more when I am trapped "in my head" so to say and discontent, in a rut. That is why it's been so silent. Things have been going really well and I get that it is all God's grace and also continual surrender, daily.
The fight with alcohol has died down. I feel that war, for now, is done. The urge to drink has been completely lifted and I can honestly say I can't think of the last time I thought drinking would be a good idea. Praise. The. Lord. Two years ago I was baffled by this sin, felt as though it was way above me ever recovering from, and I was trapped in delusion. Thank God he has gently, slowly guided me out from that path.
Today, my character defects are ever before me and I sort through things about myself I need to hang onto and things about myself that need to be released. I am free to see myself as a child dearly, dearly loved by my Creator. For years I could tell you that in theory and quote Bible verses about it, but when it FINALLY sank into the depths of my soul- wow- I finally get it. It has moved to my heart and I have had multiple spiritual awakenings. I think about God a lot, which is a miracle bc two years ago I thought clearly only about myself and alcohol. I live with hope of heaven, I don't deny sadness and feelings of loneliness. I acknowledge, embrace, grieve and cling to Jesus. My passion, when I was in the throes of addiction, were strong. I felt a longing for heaven and that all was not well in the world. This has not changed. I now know what to do about it though and run to a Savior that will hold me and whisper to me until I am out of the valley.
From the beginning of time God had a story. So many people want to run from theirs instead of embrace it. When you are truly free and get that you are God's child, that He writes your story and everything- good and bad- is for your good. You will be free. I am free and know that whatever storms blow my way will be for my good and I know He will be there for me. I am not alone. I can't wait to meet Him. To see His face, to see this God who whispers daily into the depths of my soul, who has performed many miracles in my life and others.
Thank you Lord Jesus for your passion for me, your forgiveness of my many sins and your every day faithfulness to me in even the little things. To YOU be all the glory, praise and honor. Today I stand before you grateful for never giving up on me, for showing me blessings in the valley, for walking with me through the valley and for giving me courage to carry on. Please come quickly and until then may I remember YOU are the way, the truth and the life. Without you I am nothing and eternity is what matters. May I dismiss the burdens and trials through-out my days in this sin ridden world. I am grateful to have a Savior who picks me up, A God who is mighty and a Lord who has total control of each detail of my life. Amen

A New Role....

First and foremost let me say I love my mother. God has redeemed our relationship and renewed it in many ways. With that being said I am now able to have hard, honest conversations with her and speak truth with love and grace. Something I had never been able to do in the past. I would try to be speak truth, but it would always come out in anger and shame which shuts people down.

She recently went on a trip to see old friends in a city we lived in when I was a child. We often went back and visited our old church and I know they heard horror stories of my disobedience and rebellion through-out the years. My mom told me that this trip she told people that my marriage had gone through a really rough time, we went to counseling and were doing much better. Thankfully she didn't give details, from what I know, but still once again I was the focus and even though it was redemptive, I do not know these people and frankly all they have ever heard are my struggles. At first I was reactive. I got upset that she even said that, but then I was to able to sort through the reason of why it bothered me so.

I was able to see that once again I was the scapegoat. Why would she tell them about my brokenness and not her own? That her and my father had been to counseling as well? That they had a hard marriage at times? It has been far easier for her and my family to speak of my brokenness through-out the years because mine has been outward. On display for all to see. I own these sins and blame no one but myself for the choices I choose to make. There were things that went on behind closed doors in my house which were by no means horrific, but there was dysfunction. There were things that made my sister, the performer, act out inwardly, but no one would ever talk about that.

I have always accepted this is the consequence of my sin, and I guess that is partly true, but I am sick of playing the part of the broken one in my family. Stepping into light, becoming a new creation and having old thought patterns about myself swept away has not been easy for my family. Speaking truth in love about their own brokenness has been hard, but good for me. No longer do I accept things that just aren't the truth. Am I, was I broken? Absolutely. Are they, were they broken? Absolutely. That is all I wanted her to be able to see and admit. Denial is not a fun place and thankfully God walked me through a sin that could not be denied any longer at the end. That is why you hear some say in AA rooms, "Thank God I am an alcoholic".

So, through this conversation my mom did cry, she did apologize and I think maybe she understood. My boundary for her was to please discuss her own brokenness, her own story of redemption and not mine to people I don't know and who don't know me. It was a good, but hard conversation for me to have and I wanted to call and take it all back the next day bc in reality I have lived as the broken one so long it feels easier sometimes to just assume that role. I know, though the words that were hard to speak, they were the truth and maybe God will use it to shed light to her in her own walk with Him. I am grateful and thankful to feel redeemed and made new through Jesus, to have old thought patterns broken and to live joyous and free.

Things aren't always what they seem (part 2)

Well, I reread the last post and felt some sorrow, some more confirmation that all is not well in this world. People are sick. People lie. People are broken. All I wrote about Lady D I would like to believe. I was willing to give her a chance, to help her, to believe in redemption, and that people are trustworthy. I have no clue if anything I wrote about her is the truth. I would like to believe parts are because that was what I was told and believed.

The following day after she had spent the night, I had shared my heart with her and had hope for her, slowly begin to come crashing down. It started out in the morning, a feeling that something wasn't right, was it my selfishness in having someone live with me? OR were we and my friends helping care for her and being used? Finally mid-afternoon I called my best friend who had been and was helping her. She smoothed my fears over some and off I went to work. Still unable to shake an uneasiness in the depths of me I called my husband and voiced what I felt and told him to pray God would show us truth or if it was selfishness I was dealing with. I hung up, my phone rang, and the roommate had called my friend. Lady D had been drinking with her, Lady D had not been kicked out of the home she was living in, Lady D was lying to us all. We confirmed all this with the lady she was living with, my friend called Lady D, confronted her, she sat in my den as I sat in the kitchen and prayed. God is alive and well.

The details that happened are to many to explain, but all speak to the fact God knew what we needed and provided, we didn't even have time to think. I told Lady D I loved her, I was sorry she was back in the middle of her disease, but the fact is she lied. She lied to people who love her, who believed her, who were trying to help in every way possible. We told her she had to leave because of this. I got a call there was a bed at the Salvation Army. I got another call someone would come get her. She was sorry and sad, we all were. Me and my husband sat on the porch with her as she waited for her ride. My husband wanted to give her another chance, I knew we couldn't. We could not dismiss lying and the consequences it has and the bottom she has got to get to.

I hope the best for Lady D. Some of my friends are taking care of her from a distance. I will contact her again, just not right now. I hope she has some peace, some spiritual awakening, but I know all I can do is pray "Thy will be done".

Things aren't always what they seem...

Once there a young girl who fell in love with a man. To escape a hard family life they decided to wed. They had 4 children, went to a promient church and I can only imagine she dressed her little ones in the finest. She was a stay at home mom, she loved her children, and all seemed well. Her prince had an affair, got his mistress pregnant and at 29 she found herself a single mom to four children under 8. She had never drank. She had never been to a bar. Her friend suggested they go out, she did and had her first black-out. She describes what many alcoholics do about the first time they drank, "I finally felt peaceful". And thus her hell begin. She put herself through college and got a degree, she got a well paying job and by the time she was 33 she had made her way to AA. She was sober 15 years.

The story doesn't end there...she relapses, a few times, not for long, but enough to screw her life up. Today Lady "D" as I will call her, is homeless. She see's none of her children. She is alone and has a liver cancer. She starts chemo on Friday. Tonight Lady "D" sleeps under our roof. Tonight she helped me cook and is old enough to be my mother. Tonight she shared stories about her golden years of being a mother and cooking every night. Despite her circumstances Lady "D" has an extremely positive and happy disposition. She is thankful for even the smallest things and offered to give me her food stamps, meekly and humbly. She once was a mama just like me, she was healthy and raised her children...and ironically we realized I was friends back in the day with her girls.

I don't know the different paths she chose and exactly how she ended up where she is. I do know her roommate who shared the bills and rent relapsed forcing Lady "D" to once again be homeless. She is beautiful, you can tell she was a knock-out in her prime. She is fun and lively even though she feels very sick. She has Jesus and hope and she glows. On one hand it terrifies me to think she went back her addiction, but it reminds me "but for the grace of God there go I". So pray for Lady "D" that her hope won't fade, that she can remain with her eyes fixed on Jesus and we will know how best to care for her. We praise God for a house big enough to share with her for a while, food we can provide for her and we pray for compassion to shower upon her.

She calls daily for a bed in a homeless shelter, but they are all full. Tonight as we sat on the porch and listened to the pitter-patter of the rain, I was grateful for everything I've been through. That I am able to share my experience, strength and hope with her. That I am broken and in need of a Savior just as badly as she. So, as the rain continues to fall, Lady "D" will hopefully sleep peacefully tonight knowing that God has met her needs for another day and despite her feeling very alone, from a worldly perspective, she is a sought after, chosen child of our God who offers hope and redemption to us all. It has been life-giving in sharing what I've been given with another, and it's only by God and through God that I am, today, not in her shoes.

Therapy....

I need some, but instead I write. The days are long, but the years are short, right?! I am tired and worn slap-out. I have been sick, took antibiotics to make me feel better and it felt like poison pumping through my veins. Thankfully, the Dr. took me off and I now await a hopeful chance to see another Dr. this week. Physical health affects my mental health and throw in 3 kiddo's and a couple of addicts and you get completely overwhelmed and rundown, not to mention down right crazy. Thankfully, my MORE that I want today is Jesus and I keep, moment by moment, turning to Him, although I don't feel instant sanity...I want what C.S. Lewis says about humility "a blessed self-forgetfulness".

I long for heaven, for something that nothing here on earth can satisfy. I long to meet my Savior face to face and have my sorrows hurled to the sea, forever lost and forgotten. My "Savior" used to be alcohol and truth be told it did relieve some of the mounting pressure, it made my troubles, at the time, not seem overwhelming and depending on how much I had, I could truly escape into oblivion. This is how I got to hell on earth. The thing that helped take off the burden of life became my own pit of destruction, a hell I could not escape, and the worst part about it all.....it stopped working. The MORE and MORE I consumed the pain didn't end, it increased. Thus I came to my beautiful undoing- to grasping nothing here that promises a release will in the end quench my ever thirsty, dying soul. That can only be found at the foot of the cross. I often picture myself worn down and weary, crawling, begging for relief at the cross. It comes, but it comes slowly and through perseverance and faith... I know there is another side. There is true relief that comes from a power not of my own. My sister reminds me the Psalmist says in the 23rd Psalm, "when we walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death"...not TO the valley. He only gives us what we can bear. I remind myself of this through-out the day.

With all that being said, my marriage is an 8 out of 10, which is good. I do have glimpses of hope for a life that feels futile to the core, many times through-out the day. But for now it feels awful futile... I know I am not alone. I probably feel it heavier than most, but it only makes me turn to Jesus more. People in my life whom I dearly love are feeling the weight and sorrow of sin...I should not complain. One friends husband announced, after 20+ years of marriage, two children and a string of serial affairs he wants a divorce, another with two small children and health problems watched her husband check himself into Bradford, hoping and praying this time it works, another friend's husband lost his job AGAIN (the economy) and baby #3 is on the way, our car is broken down- a new transmission is needed, I ran over a cat tonight who ran away and I could not find...and I could go on.

So now what...well, I keep persevering. I pray, I take a day at a time, a moment at a time, I pray for others, I spend time with those hurting and my mentors as well, I read my Bible, I tell God my exact needs, I hug my children and pray for Joy. I know if I have faith as small as a mustard seed that I will begin to see things through my lenses of joy. Through lenses of hope. I am just in my Valley right now, walking through, weary and weak, but not alone and there lies my hope.... A God who created the universe, hung the sun and moon and sent this planet in motion is a God who will never leave me. A God who has hope for me. A God who can handle my complaints and hardened heart. A God who cares for the cat I hit, the women who is hurting and alone, and the women who is tucking her little ones into bed by herself hanging onto the smallest glimmer of hope their daddy will come home better, for all their sakes, a God who knows the angst I feel in my soul and who whispers "it's okay". And that is the MORE I was longing for all my life, the MORE I thought alcohol could give me, my friends could give me, a husband could give, but was always let down. A God who is out of this world, who can handle me, Who doesn't give me instant satisfaction at times, but tells me and has shown me His promises are true. A God I can trust to control my life and circumstances far better than I ever could. A God who sent His one and only Son, so that we might live. I can't wait for heaven and today my prayer is Jesus, come. Come quickly.