This Is What It Feels Like by FFH

Heard this song again on the radio. Right now God is speaking so much through music.

This cannot describe my life/road more...here are the lyrics

So this is what if feels like to walk the wilderness

and this is what if feels like to come undone

So this is what if feels like to loose my confidence unsure of anything or anyone

So this is what if feels like to walk the desert sand and this is what if feels like to hear my name and to be scared to death cause I'm all alone but feel love and peace just the same

And this may not be the road I would choose for me but it still feels right somehow

And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now

So this is what if feels like to be led

So this is what if feels like to have it fall apart to be totally unglued

and find out if I accept my brokenness I get more of me, I get all of you

If this is what if feels like to be on shaky ground Careful of every step I take

Realizing as I stop to look around I look around and see everything a different way

and this may not be the road I would choose for me but it still feels right somehow

cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now

So this is what if feels like to be led

and this is what if feels like to be led

So this is what if feels like to just walk away from everything I thought kept me safe

to depend just on you for every meal and find it's better this way oh it's better this way

And this may not be the road I would choose for me but it still feels right somehow

And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now like i do right now

And this may not be the road I would choose for me but it still feels right somehow

And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now

And this is what if feels like to be led

And this is what if feels like to be led

And this is what if feels like

Why the name Bethesda?

I thought it was a strange name for a healing workshop until they explained it this way

John 5:

²Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. ³In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed.⁵One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. ⁶When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, "Do you want to be healed?" ⁷The sick man answered him, "Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me." ⁸Jesus said to him, "Get up, take up your bed, and walk." ⁹And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.

Don't miss the point. Jesus asked the man, "Do you want to be healed?" Of course the man made excuses that he couldn't. How many excuses have we made? How many have I made. The man was paralyzed and Jesus healed him.

Suzanne mentioned this morning that someone told her that there are people in town who think that you can't get over sexual addictions, that our counselor was one of the few that believe you can. My answer to that is that Jesus can heal a paralyzed man, I think he can help me...the question here is, "Do I want to be healed?" ..............more than you will ever know! 4 months of sobriety and already feel the healing beginning....

C

Working my Program...

Last week I did not. My husband and I got into a big fight on Monday and for the rest of the week I went in and out (mostly in) with my anger. It was a HORRIBLE week for me. I had no peace, I was in self will run riot for sure. I did not read, hardly prayed and white knuckled my anger and wrestled with God. Friday it lifted. God showed me through my four year old just how miserable I was. She is a very perceptive child and said "Mommy you are always tired bc you are miserable." Very humbling and it shook me to my core. God used her to make me surrender. I was able to thank her for her honesty, tell her how true that was and smart she was, apologize, and surrender my husband and my anger before God. We had a wonderful day and weekend.
I woke up in the wee hours of this morning, burning inside with anger. Sometimes I wake up and think "it is not true, it was a bad dream". Then reality hits. So this morning I decided I cannot do this. I cannot will myself of anger. I have got to work my program just as I did with the alcohol. So today I am. I want peace today and God's will, not mine. God spoke to me as I was making coffee to read my Bible. I opened it to Ezekiel 36 and felt God whispering for me to read- it was about God promising physical restoration along with spiritual for the land of Israel- He never fails to show me His promises when I am willing. So this verse is my prayer for the week.
Ezekiel 36:26
26A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

We Live In Hope

My husband read to me Psalm 143 and wept. He read it to our Community Group, who we just shared our story with and wept. I live in hope because it is all I have and it is what God calls us to do. His hand is in my story, in our story. Even as we were both in our mother's womb HE KNEW... HE KNEW the pain and the destruction both of our addictions would leave on each other and others. HE KNEW that we would walk this long, winding road of recovery, together. HE KNEW we would both get so desperate and hit our "bottoms" within 1 month of each other. HE KNEW that we would have others there to come along and walk with us. HE KNEW the tears that would be shed and the unbearable hurt. HE KNEW all of it, good and bad, and HE allowed it all to happen. HE PROMISES to prosper and not harm us and HE PROMISES to give us a hope and a future and I am resting and trusting in that. Today I am in living in hope. Tomorrow my husband is off to Bethesda, be praying for him and healing to continue.

Amen!

I read the following quote on this blog today http://route1520.com/
"The freest person in the world is one with an open heart, a broken spirit, and a new direction in which to travel." ~Gordon MacDonald
My heart is softened today and hope is thriving. It has been a good 24 hours. I thank God for days like this, they seem few and far between. I am proud and amazed at my husband's 90 days of sobriety. It takes guts and sweat and God to get sober. It is not an easy road, this I know from my own sobriety. I am hopeful for our future today and am hopeful for how God will use this and hopefully us to help others walk the road to a life of freedom and living and obeying Him.
On another note my oldest looked at me with his hands raised high and said "Lord come...what is it you say mom?" Me- "Jesus come quickly, son! Jesus come quickly."

Let Go and let God!

This is such a funny quote. But so true. It's about letting go and let God be in control of your life.

Part of being humble is saying to God that I don't have the answers, so why don't I just shut up! This is very hard for me. I don't know how to walk this way, but I do know it's the right path and I really desire right in my life instead of the path I have been walking.

When I finally opened my eyes and was able to begin to see my life through sober eyes, I felt pain. All I wanted to do was fix this pain, to fix what I have done, and "I" was going to get myself well. I was seeing 3 counselors, going to 2 churches, going to Celebrate Recovery 2 nights a week, going to a men's sex addiction group on 1 night and community group on another. But what I wasn't doing was letting myself heal. At some point you have to let what you are doing take it's toll. It's not going to happen quickly. It's taken me 30+ years to get here, it's going to take time to heal. I would love to say I came to this conclusion on my own because I am still prideful, but my sponsor helped me realize this. A good sponsor has been critical in this healing process and I have an incredible one!

My point! For the past 90 days (been sober for 90 days today, picking up my chip tonight) I have been doing everything "I" can to get sober. To Heal.... it's time to Let Go and Let God! I want God to be in control of my life and I want to surrender to His will... it's not easy....

-C

God's Providence

So I signed up for a step study to help me recover from alcoholism. Needless to say I had no idea how much I would need it and need these women to walk with me through so much more than just not drinking. It is NOT coincidence, but God....
- that I struggled with an addiction to alcohol which led me to find Celebrate Recovery and that my husband eventually came and joined a step study which led to him confessing.
-had me in a step study and my leader would be a Godly women who has walked through a broken marriage, because of her husband's sexual addiction, and their marriage has fully been restored.
-that her husband is my husband's sponsor.
-that she is now my sponsor.
-that this all came to light after 3 months of sobreity, a perfect time to start a WHOLE new life in every way.
-that the holidays were after that which meant I was very busy and there was some relief of not thinking about it 24/7.
-that I am an alcoholic and can go to an AA meeting for a daily reprive of my emtions and have a tremendous support group and a multitude of people who pray daily for me.
His hand in it all. The timing.... It is all Him, and may He use our story for His glory.