Walking the road of freedom

Today has been a day of blessings. My step study, lunch with my sponsor, a good conversation with my husband and a great AA meeting followed by a rainbow representing God's promises. I wept as I drove through the rain down 280. I was so overwhelmed with God, His grace and His blessings. As I walked up to the AA meeting I felt so overwhelmed with God's grace of being sober 8 months. When I first went to that meeting it was more a walk a shame. I could not imagine actually wanting to skip and run with joy 8 months later, unashamed and set free to that very same meeting place. A friend of mine shared that when my husband confessed that he really didn't think I would make it 2 weeks without drinking, and that I am proof that God still works miracles. How true he is. I have hung on by my pinkie finger nail at times, but I have been held by God and His undying love for me and grace. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I have been swept out to sea and yet He was with me the whole time whispering "just hold on to Me." It feels amazing to be free. Free from alcohol, free from anger, free from self...today I am grateful.

5 Months Today!

Wow, that is hard to say. Looking back, I couldn't wait for 30 days of sobriety. I kept hearing people say, they could remember what it was like to hit 30 days of sobriety, and now they are picking up 1,2, 3 year chips and it gave me hope.... now here I am at 5 months and am beginning to see life through clearer eyes... still not clear, but much better than where it was.

One example happened this morning. My wife asked if I needed her, I was able to ask if she wanted it, or was she just trying to give it for me... she responded she just wanted to give it for me and that she really didn't want it. I was able to say, thank you, but I am ok. (sorry to talk in code, never know who is reading this)

For once I am seeing that Sex is not a NEED, it's a WANT. If I don't eat or even breathe for that matter, I will start experiencing pain, and would eventually die.... The only pain I am feeling now is the pain from when I thought Sex was a NEED and how it hurt so many people.... That is something I have really enjoyed learning. I hope it will begin to take less pressure off of my wife and less shame off of her and eventually lead to a intimate relationship that is much more than I ever expected.... that's my hope.

-C

Reflecting

Well, I can't sleep, so now I am blogging. The days have been good. God has been good and gracious, it is a CONSTANT surrender, but when I obey I see the blessings. I have been laying awake listening to the rhythmic sound of my husband's breathing and this time not wanting to kill him or hating him, but reflecting on my past and my pain that I have caused people, that people have caused me. I feel as though it has been a healthy reflection, not too much obsession which I am prone to do or too much self-pity for that matter. I am realizing how the past things I have done, with or without alcohol, were to fill me, this void that has always been there. How I was attracted to a sex addict because I was so sick. How my past relationships have been so unhealthy as well ,and I am pretty sure my high school boyfriend was a sex addict - he cheated on me too- ironically. I leave for Bethesda next Wed and I feel as though God is preparing my heart for my issues in the marriage. I do acknowledge there are plenty. I have done and said many hurtful things.
God has been convicting me, daily it seems, of my many character defects. Laziness, selfishness, jealousy, anger, lust...and the list continues. Having to acknowledge they are there and that they are not going to be gone overnight is rather annoying. I want to be a person who is so passionate about God nothing else matters and they can put on the fruits of the spirit like magic. It is a SLOW process, but I am glad that I am sober and I am able to start seeing myself for who I am, flawed and imperfect, but yet feel an overpowering peace that God loves me period. God loved me drunk and God loves me sober. That is something I never could believe and I still struggle with unbelief that he is that kind and that loving. I am hoping I can love the way He does, forgive the way He does and want to be like Him in every way, every day. He is molding and shaping me, softening and mending the broken places of my soul. To HIM be all glory.

Why do we have to be broken?

Why can't we just say we want to change and then change? I guess that is because we need God to change us... bottom line..... WE NEED GOD!

I hope your broken doesn't have to cause the damage mine has.....but I hope God does break you, because when he does, he will also be there to heal you... by the way, the healing is the good part....

-C

Date Night

Well, we went out Friday night to Taziki's and to see Alice in Wonderland. Dinner was very difficult. My wife was very upset and sad that our date couldn't be what she always dreamed our dates would be like after 8 years of marriage. That we weren't having intimate conversations. I too am very sad about this...

It's only been 4.5 months since I confessed to her, so date nights are going to be hard for a while. I am just very thankful that she would even go on a date with me... it's almost like we are starting over, and the truth is, we are.... but the difference this time is that she is on a date with someone who only wants to be with her and no one else in that room, or in the whole world for that matter. I know she can't believe that, but my heart feels it. What happens when you lift these addictions that we use to cope with our past pains, we begin to feel the pains, and we begin to heal. Then we begin to feel real feelings.... I have those feelings now when I am with my wife... It's going to be a LONG time before she can believe this, but I know what's going on in my heart and I LOVE IT!..... in fact, I love HER!

-C

You are not Crazy!

You are a hurt scared child who has never been protected. I have been a huge part of that. I am sorry that you keep hearing that from me. You are so strong, so brave, and so intuitive... not crazy. In fact, the opposite of crazy is normal, and that is all you want... so who's the crazy one... you want a husband who is faithful, a father who you can trust, and partner you can be intimate with... that is NORMAL. But for some reason, I (the crazy one) continue to call you crazy for being hurt and wanting to be normal.... I can't tell you how sorry I am.

God is faithful, never lies, and someone that desires to be intimate with you. And that is crazy...

A lot of people are going to make you feel Crazy for staying married to me... I don't think God would say that, I think he would say you are amazing! (and so do I)

-C

Crazy

So this morning I dreamt about my father smoking, I had caught him and he lied. I woke myself up yelling " I am not crazy." My sweet four year old had crawled in bed beside me took her thumb out and said, "Yes you are mommy." We need to start saving for all the counseling sessions these children will need to attend. Sweet things, and yes she was right, I am crazy, but sober crazy which is always better than the alternative.