Well, it's 3:48 AM and once again I can't sleep. I have been thinking about a lot of things. I finished, for the second time, a Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. It needs to be read, at times with a dictionary, and once you press through the first part of the book, you fall in love with the characters and the quotes are amazing. I have spent a lot of time with God in prayer, scripture and books lately. I am really feeling centered in Him and joyful with abounding peace.
I am praying for contentment in those I love and who are close to me. There is nothing greater than abounding joy and a peace that passes all understanding in the midst of a life that is hard.
This world is not our home.
That is one thing, through-out today, you can't forget. Having an earthly view makes everything jaded. Acting as if and living as if "this is it" sets you up for inevitiable heartache. Also, see how many negative thoughts and things you say and see if they go back to where your hope is, this world or heaven, who and what are you living for? It is NOT about behavior modification, some people do that well, but it is a heart change that seeps down to your soul and comes out in how you think, behave and live...when people are watching and when they are not.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
The Road to Recovery and our children
Well, I can't sleep, been up since 4 and it's because I am so happy and excited about my life. I have joy and peace and the Lord woo's me in the darkness before anyone wakes up to spend time with him before the chaos of my day ensues. This morning it was specifically on how I have gotten here. How I awake in the middle of the night now bursting with joy rather than pain. Oh my, it is glorious. The 12 steps have been key in my recovery, they have set the captive free, free from addiction, free from self, and free to love others for who they are and where they are.
In praying and listening this morning and contemplating my life and how I never had peace for 33 years, I am convicted that I want my children to know these steps from an early age. We are ALL in recovery from the fall, whether you like to admit your an addict or not, you are. We all medicate in trying to make it in this world and we all want to feel better and each have something we turn to, other than God.
Not sure what this looks like for my children, but they are gospel based and I want to have a recovery based home. To teach them the tools in coping in life. From Celebrate Recovery, here are 8 principles to live by, all with scripture backing them up. So that when they are faced with sin and living in a world that is not our home they will be equipped with special tools that rarely are taught so simply. See comments for the 8 principles based on the Beatitudes, it wouldn't paste into the blog....
In praying and listening this morning and contemplating my life and how I never had peace for 33 years, I am convicted that I want my children to know these steps from an early age. We are ALL in recovery from the fall, whether you like to admit your an addict or not, you are. We all medicate in trying to make it in this world and we all want to feel better and each have something we turn to, other than God.
Not sure what this looks like for my children, but they are gospel based and I want to have a recovery based home. To teach them the tools in coping in life. From Celebrate Recovery, here are 8 principles to live by, all with scripture backing them up. So that when they are faced with sin and living in a world that is not our home they will be equipped with special tools that rarely are taught so simply. See comments for the 8 principles based on the Beatitudes, it wouldn't paste into the blog....
Monday, August 16, 2010
Was the Prodical Son an Addict?
I remember a sermon David preached about Song of Solomon and he was talking about how God intended sex to be so wonderful in the context of marriage. But what he also said was that if we settle for anything other than that, we are settling for trash instead of the treasure that he has for us. Yes, it really is 3:30 in the morning, but I was lying in bed thinking about this because my wife keeps asking me how could I, what was I thinking, and I began thinking about the Prodical Son and how he ended up eating with the pigs.
"and there he squandered his inheritance in reckless living.... and he began to starve..... The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything." Luke 15:13-16
Reckless living (Addiction) .. and he began to starve, because it will never fill us, but yet we keep going back to it (Insanity) ... the man became so hungry, desparate, that even the pig food looked good to him. His vision was so blurred by his hunger that the slop looked good (he was settling for pig food).... But no one gave him anything, none of it satisfied him and he became broken to the point of true repentance....
"When he finally came to his senses he said....I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant. " Luke 15:17-19
He finally came to his senses and he asked his Father to forgive him, that he wasn't worthy to be his son anymore. My first instinct is to look to my earthy father and I see that I have never felt this way, but when I look to my Heavenly father, I see myself being broken hearted at what I have done to Him. For once, I feel repentance (to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better)... it detests me now. I can't explain why, or how I did what I did, but I can tell you that now it makes me sick.
The most beautiful part is the end of the story of this son. As one commentary puts it, his father didn't even let him give his speach he had prepared. Have you ever tasted that kind of love? Someone loving you despite what you have done to hurt them. I tasted that Saturday morning as we sat through a porn presentation and I sat with my wife and wondered how she could be sitting with me after what I have done to her.... yes, I have tasted that love and I am grateful. More importantly, I have read the Word, and I have tasted that love even greater...
I don't have any answers to why and I can't make anyone understand how I could do what I have done. But there are moments when I can rest in the loving arms of my savior who tells me, I know what you have done, and I love you anyway..... and that gives me peace.
-C
"and there he squandered his inheritance in reckless living.... and he began to starve..... The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything." Luke 15:13-16
Reckless living (Addiction) .. and he began to starve, because it will never fill us, but yet we keep going back to it (Insanity) ... the man became so hungry, desparate, that even the pig food looked good to him. His vision was so blurred by his hunger that the slop looked good (he was settling for pig food).... But no one gave him anything, none of it satisfied him and he became broken to the point of true repentance....
"When he finally came to his senses he said....I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant. " Luke 15:17-19
He finally came to his senses and he asked his Father to forgive him, that he wasn't worthy to be his son anymore. My first instinct is to look to my earthy father and I see that I have never felt this way, but when I look to my Heavenly father, I see myself being broken hearted at what I have done to Him. For once, I feel repentance (to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better)... it detests me now. I can't explain why, or how I did what I did, but I can tell you that now it makes me sick.
The most beautiful part is the end of the story of this son. As one commentary puts it, his father didn't even let him give his speach he had prepared. Have you ever tasted that kind of love? Someone loving you despite what you have done to hurt them. I tasted that Saturday morning as we sat through a porn presentation and I sat with my wife and wondered how she could be sitting with me after what I have done to her.... yes, I have tasted that love and I am grateful. More importantly, I have read the Word, and I have tasted that love even greater...
I don't have any answers to why and I can't make anyone understand how I could do what I have done. But there are moments when I can rest in the loving arms of my savior who tells me, I know what you have done, and I love you anyway..... and that gives me peace.
-C
Saturday, August 7, 2010
One year and eight days
So the sobriety day came and went. It was wonderful. So thankful for family and friends who have walked through the valley with me this past year. I am a new creation ONLY by His grace. My husband gave me a ballon, flowers and a card. My mom came to an AA meeting that I led and LOVED it. My small group prayed over me, baked me a cake, got me flowers and each wrote me a personal note. It was all so amazing and I am grateful, very, very grateful.
On the marriage front things are well. The days have passed of the deep, deep pain and grief. I have and did grieve for sure and am thankful I am no longer "barely" making it. We are communicating better, engaging better and learning to live our new life. It is not easy, but it is beautiful and it all points to God and miracles. There are days that are better than others, but the good days are far more frequent than the bad. Trust is being rebuilt and we have a long way to go, but today we are making it and doing well. I can only pray it continues.
One thing I do know is, pink clouds don't last forever, nor does the darkest day. Life is a roller coaster that is filled with surprise drops and turns and I have to be thankful for the good and accept and deal with the bad in the best way possible with God's help. Surrendering my control and need to know what is going to happen I can accept life's joys and sorrows as they come. The song that has meant and still means so much to me"Blessed be your name"....
Blessed be Your name When the sun's shining down on me, When the world's 'all as it should be 'Blessed be Your name,
Blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name."
He is the Lord God Almighty. Who am I to question His plans for my life and my days.
On the marriage front things are well. The days have passed of the deep, deep pain and grief. I have and did grieve for sure and am thankful I am no longer "barely" making it. We are communicating better, engaging better and learning to live our new life. It is not easy, but it is beautiful and it all points to God and miracles. There are days that are better than others, but the good days are far more frequent than the bad. Trust is being rebuilt and we have a long way to go, but today we are making it and doing well. I can only pray it continues.
One thing I do know is, pink clouds don't last forever, nor does the darkest day. Life is a roller coaster that is filled with surprise drops and turns and I have to be thankful for the good and accept and deal with the bad in the best way possible with God's help. Surrendering my control and need to know what is going to happen I can accept life's joys and sorrows as they come. The song that has meant and still means so much to me"Blessed be your name"....
Blessed be Your name When the sun's shining down on me, When the world's 'all as it should be 'Blessed be Your name,
Blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name."
He is the Lord God Almighty. Who am I to question His plans for my life and my days.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Intimacy
This has been on my prayer list for several months. I am realizing how I fear it and if I feel like it is there in any relationship, I pull away. I am still working on why, the obvious is my childhood- a father who was present physically, but not emotionally and a mother who needed her children too much emotionally and ultra controlling. Then throw in a bad high school boyfriend, alcohol for years, and an unfaithful husband. I expected these issues with my husband, neither of us know what intimacy should or could look like with each other, but I am seeing it with my children. Oh, I cuddle, snuggle, talk, ect...but when I feel like they NEED me to connect, really connect with them, something unconsciously screams "fortify" and a wall slams down somewhere in my soul. With realizing it and prayer and others prayer, the intimacy with my children has gotten better. I am more quick to hear my "fortify" alarm and stay and fight through feelings that for me are uncomfortable at times.
Still haven't gotten as aware of when the urge to "fortify" ,myself with my husband bell goes off, but maybe because that is more a constant bell and harder to hear. I am protective and defensive A LOT, not that it is right, but that mode is built-in and how I have survived a lot of the heartache and pain of a broken marriage. I also am seeing with a clearer vision how the affairs and alcohol were just a band aid to a broken down marriage. It has always been broken, WE have always been broken and looking outside of Jesus to fill us up. The more I look at Jesus the clearer my reality becomes and the more I see the TRUTH of things about my marriage, rather than just the FACTS. We are ALL in recovery from our first parents, Adam and Eve, we all have used and tried to make ourselves feel better with stuff, religion, food, sex, vacations, ect...I am just a broken cistern living with another broken cistern in need of a Savior to fill us up and restore us.
Still haven't gotten as aware of when the urge to "fortify" ,myself with my husband bell goes off, but maybe because that is more a constant bell and harder to hear. I am protective and defensive A LOT, not that it is right, but that mode is built-in and how I have survived a lot of the heartache and pain of a broken marriage. I also am seeing with a clearer vision how the affairs and alcohol were just a band aid to a broken down marriage. It has always been broken, WE have always been broken and looking outside of Jesus to fill us up. The more I look at Jesus the clearer my reality becomes and the more I see the TRUTH of things about my marriage, rather than just the FACTS. We are ALL in recovery from our first parents, Adam and Eve, we all have used and tried to make ourselves feel better with stuff, religion, food, sex, vacations, ect...I am just a broken cistern living with another broken cistern in need of a Savior to fill us up and restore us.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Journaling.....
So tonight, I sat down to journal, something I am very new to, and something I don't do very often. I started writing my feelings on page 1, and it pretty much became a "poor me" log.... I became very sad, felt sorry for myself, texted a few people to tell them how sad I was, and started getting very depressed....but something tugged at my heart to continue.
So I turned the page over and began writing down what I remembered from a sermon tonight on how we are adopted. I just started putting every good point I could remember from that sermon.... what happened to my heart was beautiful. That pain and misery was lifted. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I became so very grateful for what was given to me, not what I didn't have. The pity became gratitude, and the tears were tears of joy.....
Lord, thank you for not letting me stop on page 1..... thank you.....thank you.....
C
So I turned the page over and began writing down what I remembered from a sermon tonight on how we are adopted. I just started putting every good point I could remember from that sermon.... what happened to my heart was beautiful. That pain and misery was lifted. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I became so very grateful for what was given to me, not what I didn't have. The pity became gratitude, and the tears were tears of joy.....
Lord, thank you for not letting me stop on page 1..... thank you.....thank you.....
C
Friday, July 9, 2010
I am so homesick....
Two days ago I was driving to meet with my sponsor and tears overtook me. I felt the overwhelming pain that I am not meant for this world and there will always be pain in this world. Not too long ago, maybe even days ago I think I felt like if only _____ would happen, then I would be happy. Tonight after just talking to my wife about my addiction and how gross it all is, I just feel helpless. I want to tell her the reason I did it was because of _____, but I have no answers. She is feeling as if it had something to do with her, she wasn't pretty enough, she wasn't good enough, something, but there is nothing further from the truth. That's what is so disgusting about being sick....
I can't explain it, and I hope one day my wife will feel as special as she is. That God will use me to lift her up, that He will soften her to one day actually hear me when I tell her she's beautiful, and she will believe it. That day may be way off, but doesn't mean I can't hope for it.....
In the mean time, I have tears. This is not our home... this is not how we were created. This is not a life in His image, but rather a life of brokenness, daily repentance for the wrongs I continue to do... and it's not going to stop any time soon....
Babe, I love you. I am sorry that I haven't written a post on this blog, I wanted to, but I let the world get the better of me. I let myself become so busy that I couldn't see how important this is. Life is very hard when you stop numbing the pain and start feeling it... I just hope one day, we can walk side by side together.... as God truly intended it to be...
C
I can't explain it, and I hope one day my wife will feel as special as she is. That God will use me to lift her up, that He will soften her to one day actually hear me when I tell her she's beautiful, and she will believe it. That day may be way off, but doesn't mean I can't hope for it.....
In the mean time, I have tears. This is not our home... this is not how we were created. This is not a life in His image, but rather a life of brokenness, daily repentance for the wrongs I continue to do... and it's not going to stop any time soon....
Babe, I love you. I am sorry that I haven't written a post on this blog, I wanted to, but I let the world get the better of me. I let myself become so busy that I couldn't see how important this is. Life is very hard when you stop numbing the pain and start feeling it... I just hope one day, we can walk side by side together.... as God truly intended it to be...
C
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