My sponsor and leader of step study wrote this for me. As our step study ended every women wrote affirmations for each other and I hate I missed the last meeting where it was all shared. This is what my sponsor wrote to me and it meant so much.(side note, I got into step study bc of alcoholism and my marriage blew up two months into step study)
"My friend, no one could have imagined what God was going to require of you in this past year. I think in His infinite wisdom, He decided to yank off your old self like a band aid, the pain very intense but exposing the wound to air and light so that healing could begin. You faced the pain, sometimes kicking and screaming and sometimes with trust, but you never backed away from it. I have watched as you took off the dirty clothes that either others have put on you or you had put on yourself and replaced them with His righteousness. Slowly learning to accept yourself the way He sees you and loving others beyond capacity...."
I love this women for so many different reasons. She has challenged me in ways no one else could have and with such grace and wisdom. Many times I left angry at the Truth she was speaking and wondering if I could really walk through this and continue on. Her love and never backing down when I was really, really angry at times has in turn given me up most respect for her. God knew I needed her to hold my hand, love on me, and show me when I was wrong! Again a testament to His grace and faithfulness.
Friday, October 22, 2010
In a rut
So I have been in a rut the past two weeks. Writing about it is therapeutic to me so here we go... I have lived in angst and have been down right crazy. Old behavior and thought patterns popping up everywhere, TONS of self-pity and laziness. It has been very discouraging to feel and watch yourself spiral downward. After two weeks of living in this manner, I decided to dive back into heavy recovery.
I went to a meeting last night for 30 minutes, it was all the time I had, but while there a peace pulsed through me which I hadn't been able to find in a while. Today I went to a Jafi meeting, one downtown, and let me just tell you I thought I might have a panic attack, almost left until the meeting started and people started sharing. Jafi is a very diverse meeting. For one hour the mighty descend and the lowly rise. People coming from their 6 figure jobs in three piece suits and sitting next to those who are next to homeless with no teeth and laughing and joking. It is a holy place, it grieves my heart deeply that I don't experience this kind of atmosphere in church, no doubt in my mind this is what heaven will be. For one hour people spill their guts and the man in the three piece suit and the man with no teeth have something in common. They have come to a broken place, a shattered life that most are slowly trying to rebuild. There is no pride, no judgement, nothing but people sharing over and over the miracles they have experienced through sobriety. There are ex-cons there, people diagnosed with HIV, people who have lost everything and moms like me who haven't lost a material thing, but their self. It is truly amazing. For one hour I get out of myself and connect to people in ways I can't explain. At the end we all hold hands and say the Lord's prayer, and that alone brings tears to my eyes almost every time.
It is a gift. A gift from God to be able to go and experience a roomful of miracles that share a common purpose and hope. Do I want to drink again? No, but if I stopped going to meetings and experienced the angst like I have the past two weeks I am pretty sure I would choose to drink again, if anything to escape myself. It is a relief and like medicine for the soul. When I am willing and open to go to these meetings and seek God's will and help for my life he blesses me in ways I cannot begin to explain. Tonight I am joyful, productive, and enjoying my family and I could not have said that at 5 pm. That, my friend, proves God's faithfulness and grace and something I could not have done on my own.
I went to a meeting last night for 30 minutes, it was all the time I had, but while there a peace pulsed through me which I hadn't been able to find in a while. Today I went to a Jafi meeting, one downtown, and let me just tell you I thought I might have a panic attack, almost left until the meeting started and people started sharing. Jafi is a very diverse meeting. For one hour the mighty descend and the lowly rise. People coming from their 6 figure jobs in three piece suits and sitting next to those who are next to homeless with no teeth and laughing and joking. It is a holy place, it grieves my heart deeply that I don't experience this kind of atmosphere in church, no doubt in my mind this is what heaven will be. For one hour people spill their guts and the man in the three piece suit and the man with no teeth have something in common. They have come to a broken place, a shattered life that most are slowly trying to rebuild. There is no pride, no judgement, nothing but people sharing over and over the miracles they have experienced through sobriety. There are ex-cons there, people diagnosed with HIV, people who have lost everything and moms like me who haven't lost a material thing, but their self. It is truly amazing. For one hour I get out of myself and connect to people in ways I can't explain. At the end we all hold hands and say the Lord's prayer, and that alone brings tears to my eyes almost every time.
It is a gift. A gift from God to be able to go and experience a roomful of miracles that share a common purpose and hope. Do I want to drink again? No, but if I stopped going to meetings and experienced the angst like I have the past two weeks I am pretty sure I would choose to drink again, if anything to escape myself. It is a relief and like medicine for the soul. When I am willing and open to go to these meetings and seek God's will and help for my life he blesses me in ways I cannot begin to explain. Tonight I am joyful, productive, and enjoying my family and I could not have said that at 5 pm. That, my friend, proves God's faithfulness and grace and something I could not have done on my own.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Some thoughts...
The past year God has blessed us with a handful of couples to walk beside us in the journey of healing and walking towards Jesus. They are our small group. From letters to gifts, to phone calls, cakes and flowers, and most importantly prayer and encouragement they have preached the gospel to us as individuals and a couple. They are such a blessing and testament to living out the gospel in allowing us to hurt, cry, laugh, live authentically and always, always encouraging us to follow Him.
We have started a new book this season called "Intimate Allies" by Dan Allender and so far it is great. We are only in the first couple of chapters, but our discussion the other night was on disappointment in your spouse and living in hope. Living in disappointment is wrong and idolizing your spouse is wrong. Neither are living out of the gospel. Lately, I have been dealing with this and God has been showing me new things daily. There is no doubt this book has come at such a time like this.
I have started realizing my thoughts in degrading my husband in my mind, shaming him to myself and this becomes my reality in which I act out of. In acknowledging this several weeks ago, I begin to realize actually how often I did it and how I was living in disappointment, acknowledging it is healthy, staying in that place isn't. God revealed to me that I needed to pray for whatever I was disappointed or angry in. For example... wisdom. I wish he would make wiser decisions for us as a family, so I begin to pray the Lord would give him wisdom. After talking to my sponsor today she recommended taking it a step further and asking God to give me spiritual eyes in seeing where he has progressed and where he had made wise choices. Immediately I was able to rattle off some things that came to mind, where before my vision had become so blurred with what he wasn't doing that had become my reality and I had actually missed some of the wise choices he had made.
P.S. As I was finishing this my husband came in (not knowing what I was typing) and prayed with me and it.was.beautiful. and a very wise prayer. The verse while he was praying that came to mind was "Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you..."I feel like that is happening all around me...everyday.
We have started a new book this season called "Intimate Allies" by Dan Allender and so far it is great. We are only in the first couple of chapters, but our discussion the other night was on disappointment in your spouse and living in hope. Living in disappointment is wrong and idolizing your spouse is wrong. Neither are living out of the gospel. Lately, I have been dealing with this and God has been showing me new things daily. There is no doubt this book has come at such a time like this.
I have started realizing my thoughts in degrading my husband in my mind, shaming him to myself and this becomes my reality in which I act out of. In acknowledging this several weeks ago, I begin to realize actually how often I did it and how I was living in disappointment, acknowledging it is healthy, staying in that place isn't. God revealed to me that I needed to pray for whatever I was disappointed or angry in. For example... wisdom. I wish he would make wiser decisions for us as a family, so I begin to pray the Lord would give him wisdom. After talking to my sponsor today she recommended taking it a step further and asking God to give me spiritual eyes in seeing where he has progressed and where he had made wise choices. Immediately I was able to rattle off some things that came to mind, where before my vision had become so blurred with what he wasn't doing that had become my reality and I had actually missed some of the wise choices he had made.
P.S. As I was finishing this my husband came in (not knowing what I was typing) and prayed with me and it.was.beautiful. and a very wise prayer. The verse while he was praying that came to mind was "Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you..."I feel like that is happening all around me...everyday.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Brennan Manning
He is a recovered alcoholic and a gifted writer. I keep "Abba's Child" by my bathtub and pick it up and reread it over and over. I could quote the whole book, I won't, but if you don't have a copy--buy one!! Reading this, I felt like he was telling my story.
He talks about the life he led before his encounter with Christ in the previous paragraph...
"Suddenly Jesus appeared out of nowhere, and life began anew. From being a nobody who cared about nothing but my own comfort, I became somebody, a beloved disciple, who cared about people and things. His word became "a light unto my path" Ps 119:105. I found a sense of direction and purpose, a reason for bounding out of bed in the morning. Jesus was my Rabbi, my Teacher. With infinite patience He illuminated the meaning of life and refreshed the weariness of my defeated days. I cannot and will not forget the great Rabbi who led me out of darkness into daylight. He is not a refuge from reality but the Way into its depths."
and more..
"The promised peace that the world cannot give is located in being in right relationship with God. Self-acceptance becomes possible only through the radical trust in Jesus' acceptance of me as I am. Befriending the imposter and the pharisee within marks the beginning of reconciliation with myself and the end of spiritual schizophrenia."
That is how I feel "bounding out of bed"...now that is a miracle that is only done through Jesus.
And one more because THIS has been my day.
"A hard day, yes. Rattled and unglued, yes. Unable to cope, no.
How does the life-giving spirit manifest Himself on days like that? In our willingness to stand fast, our REFUSAL to run away and escape into self-destructive behavior. Resurrection power enables us to engage in the savage confrontation with untamed emotions, to accept the pain, receive it, take it on board, however acute it may be. And in the process we discover we are not alone, that we can stand fast in the awareness of the present risenness and so become fuller, deeper, richer disciples. We know ourselves to be more than we previously imagined. In the process we not only endure but are forced to expand the boundaries of who we think we really are."
AMEN!
He talks about the life he led before his encounter with Christ in the previous paragraph...
"Suddenly Jesus appeared out of nowhere, and life began anew. From being a nobody who cared about nothing but my own comfort, I became somebody, a beloved disciple, who cared about people and things. His word became "a light unto my path" Ps 119:105. I found a sense of direction and purpose, a reason for bounding out of bed in the morning. Jesus was my Rabbi, my Teacher. With infinite patience He illuminated the meaning of life and refreshed the weariness of my defeated days. I cannot and will not forget the great Rabbi who led me out of darkness into daylight. He is not a refuge from reality but the Way into its depths."
and more..
"The promised peace that the world cannot give is located in being in right relationship with God. Self-acceptance becomes possible only through the radical trust in Jesus' acceptance of me as I am. Befriending the imposter and the pharisee within marks the beginning of reconciliation with myself and the end of spiritual schizophrenia."
That is how I feel "bounding out of bed"...now that is a miracle that is only done through Jesus.
And one more because THIS has been my day.
"A hard day, yes. Rattled and unglued, yes. Unable to cope, no.
How does the life-giving spirit manifest Himself on days like that? In our willingness to stand fast, our REFUSAL to run away and escape into self-destructive behavior. Resurrection power enables us to engage in the savage confrontation with untamed emotions, to accept the pain, receive it, take it on board, however acute it may be. And in the process we discover we are not alone, that we can stand fast in the awareness of the present risenness and so become fuller, deeper, richer disciples. We know ourselves to be more than we previously imagined. In the process we not only endure but are forced to expand the boundaries of who we think we really are."
AMEN!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
A New Season
Well, things on the homefront are calm and peaceful. We are having to live by faith with the hubby's new job and are short by $500 each month. It is scary, but God is faithful and we take it a day at a time. I am teaching preschool 3 days a week to cover the oldest's school tuition and I am in the car 1.5 hours just one way each day. We are broke, I am a taxi, but I have unexplainable Joy! No other explanation than it is Jesus holding and lifting me up. I am just so glad to be sober during this time. I can't imagine waking up red-faced with a headache and barely making it, I couldn't have done it. Praise Jesus I am sober.
The house is about to go up for sale, again. We don't know where God is leading us or if it will sale, we pray it does so we can regroup financially. No "place" in our town seems to be "the place" to live. We are praying God will make it clear. Maybe it's not even in this city anymore. We just want to be faithful and do His will. Trying to figure that out is not easy nor clear right now, so like everything else we are taking it a day at a time. Who knows where we will wind up!!
One thing, it is a NEW SEASON for our family. I feel like the ounce of hope I had in the darkest days is now bursting forth with light and I have learned what to have faith really means. God has taught me so much and I couldn't imagine life any other way. We have and are learning to communicate in new ways and have those hard, awkward conversations, but they always bring about good when we press on and press through them. Again, none of this could be done without willing hearts- which is grace itself- and God's graciousness. We are blessed and thankful!!
The house is about to go up for sale, again. We don't know where God is leading us or if it will sale, we pray it does so we can regroup financially. No "place" in our town seems to be "the place" to live. We are praying God will make it clear. Maybe it's not even in this city anymore. We just want to be faithful and do His will. Trying to figure that out is not easy nor clear right now, so like everything else we are taking it a day at a time. Who knows where we will wind up!!
One thing, it is a NEW SEASON for our family. I feel like the ounce of hope I had in the darkest days is now bursting forth with light and I have learned what to have faith really means. God has taught me so much and I couldn't imagine life any other way. We have and are learning to communicate in new ways and have those hard, awkward conversations, but they always bring about good when we press on and press through them. Again, none of this could be done without willing hearts- which is grace itself- and God's graciousness. We are blessed and thankful!!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Peace and God whispering
I have a peace and joy that can not be explained besides it is all due to God and his redemption of broken dreams and a broken life. I am having more and more clarity about who I am as His child and the black sheep role I have played for all my life is slowly drifting away. I am starting to see myself and others in a much healthier way and being able to pinpoint issues in myself when people act in a certain way to me, has been so freeing. I don't have to jump into their "rabbit holes" nor go into my own. I can live in TRUTH, God's truth and accept that they may not be happy with what I am doing or how I react, but I can relate and react in ways that are healthy and what I know God calling me to do. That is freedom. I do have moments where I long to go back to the old way of acting because the new way can feel really uncomfortable, but God has called me to higher standards and the old ways always were dead ends any way.
God is moving and stirring. Each day is a new exciting day of His mercies and blessings. The worst day is better than the best day of my drinking days. I have ceased fighting everyone and everything, mostly myself. I see my flaws, but I also see redeeming qualities which I was so blind to in active addiction. The shame and guilt drove me to drink and put up my wall of defense and anger. I am able to have humble conversations with my husband, to tell him things that are intimate, and it still feels very awkward, but the more I practice the more I see things this way are so much better. It's amazing we can put our kids to bed together and sleep in the same bed, we sit on the porch together, tell knock knock jokes with the kids, have lots of laughs and lots of joy...He has turned the mourning into joy, He is restoring to us our family, still broken, but on the mend and it all is because of Him and truly a miracle.
I read this on a blog, "The truth will set you free, but it will kill you first" (or almost kill you). Life a year ago was a hard, the truth of my alcoholism and then infidelity almost unbearable, but I had an ounce of hope even in the darkest hours. Today I can actually see the reason for it all. What Satan meant to destroy me with, has been the means of my deliverance. This is not just a "churchy statement" but something I know to be true to the core of my soul. I have walked the valley, climbed the mountain and now I stand with the sun beaming down, the wind whipping my hair, and God whispering "My grace is sufficient for you."
God is moving and stirring. Each day is a new exciting day of His mercies and blessings. The worst day is better than the best day of my drinking days. I have ceased fighting everyone and everything, mostly myself. I see my flaws, but I also see redeeming qualities which I was so blind to in active addiction. The shame and guilt drove me to drink and put up my wall of defense and anger. I am able to have humble conversations with my husband, to tell him things that are intimate, and it still feels very awkward, but the more I practice the more I see things this way are so much better. It's amazing we can put our kids to bed together and sleep in the same bed, we sit on the porch together, tell knock knock jokes with the kids, have lots of laughs and lots of joy...He has turned the mourning into joy, He is restoring to us our family, still broken, but on the mend and it all is because of Him and truly a miracle.
I read this on a blog, "The truth will set you free, but it will kill you first" (or almost kill you). Life a year ago was a hard, the truth of my alcoholism and then infidelity almost unbearable, but I had an ounce of hope even in the darkest hours. Today I can actually see the reason for it all. What Satan meant to destroy me with, has been the means of my deliverance. This is not just a "churchy statement" but something I know to be true to the core of my soul. I have walked the valley, climbed the mountain and now I stand with the sun beaming down, the wind whipping my hair, and God whispering "My grace is sufficient for you."
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Under Attack
I was reading tonight "Walking with God" by Elderidge and I seriously think I had a spiritual warfare affect my sleep. I fell asleep on the couch already a little freaked out by a thug I saw walking with a backpack down my sidewalk, I actually saw him twice. I usually do not notice nor get freaked out by diverse people who walk around at all hours in my neighborhood, but for some reason I did by this guy. I actually fell asleep staring at the alarm system we have and it's lights thinking we should get it hooked back up so it actually calls the police when it goes off, not just the screaming alarm. So, I had already bought into fear that was planted earlier on in the day by the enemy.
This is not the first time I have had this experience, "dream", whatever it may be. The first time was back in November, I just found out everything about the affairs and was exhausted. My husband was gone and the kids went to bed super early. Earlier, I had almost decided the pain was to unbearable and I grabbed the keys with plan to get alcohol. God intervened and by His grace I didn't. He used my precious 4 year old's voice saying "mommy, I don't know where my shoes are" and I dropped my keys and came back to my senses. Thank you Jesus! After that I had my most vivid, what felt like a hallucination. I am asleep, but think I'm awake. I dreamt I was climbing a mountain and their were demons that had diamonds for eye's and they would dangle me off the cliff, not let me go, but torture me hanging. I kept trying, or thought so to wake up, but couldn't- and that is the worst part of these dreams.
Tonight, I was fearing the thug who was roaming my streets and was fighting that thought and trusting God to protect. So, I knew with me going to bed my dreams were probably NOT going to be peaceful. I had one of my dreams, let's call them attacks because that is what it feels like. I had an attack...I dreamt this guy was at the door, at the window, didn't actually SEE it in the attack, but heard him trying to get in. I would try to wake up, then think I was awake....while it's happening it is an insane feeling like I can feel my mind swirling/floating, like drug induced or something. This all sounds silly and it's hard to explain, but real. I finally fought to wake up, I felt as though I had tried several times, but was sucked back into it all.
Just wanted to journal about it.
I am putting on the arm of God and will guard against Satan's fiery arrows. I will remember Jesus is my protector and conquerer, there is nothing He can't handle. Help my unbelief dear Jesus.
Anyone who is up for a prayer service over the rooms and my house. Please come and let's pray.
Another note, be in prayer for my sister's niece and nephew, they lost their dad yesterday and my bro-in-laws sister, their mommy, died after being diagnosed with cancer with in 3 mths abt 2 years ago. The children ages are high school and the other college age.
Come quickly Lord Jesus. Come.
This is not the first time I have had this experience, "dream", whatever it may be. The first time was back in November, I just found out everything about the affairs and was exhausted. My husband was gone and the kids went to bed super early. Earlier, I had almost decided the pain was to unbearable and I grabbed the keys with plan to get alcohol. God intervened and by His grace I didn't. He used my precious 4 year old's voice saying "mommy, I don't know where my shoes are" and I dropped my keys and came back to my senses. Thank you Jesus! After that I had my most vivid, what felt like a hallucination. I am asleep, but think I'm awake. I dreamt I was climbing a mountain and their were demons that had diamonds for eye's and they would dangle me off the cliff, not let me go, but torture me hanging. I kept trying, or thought so to wake up, but couldn't- and that is the worst part of these dreams.
Tonight, I was fearing the thug who was roaming my streets and was fighting that thought and trusting God to protect. So, I knew with me going to bed my dreams were probably NOT going to be peaceful. I had one of my dreams, let's call them attacks because that is what it feels like. I had an attack...I dreamt this guy was at the door, at the window, didn't actually SEE it in the attack, but heard him trying to get in. I would try to wake up, then think I was awake....while it's happening it is an insane feeling like I can feel my mind swirling/floating, like drug induced or something. This all sounds silly and it's hard to explain, but real. I finally fought to wake up, I felt as though I had tried several times, but was sucked back into it all.
Just wanted to journal about it.
I am putting on the arm of God and will guard against Satan's fiery arrows. I will remember Jesus is my protector and conquerer, there is nothing He can't handle. Help my unbelief dear Jesus.
Anyone who is up for a prayer service over the rooms and my house. Please come and let's pray.
Another note, be in prayer for my sister's niece and nephew, they lost their dad yesterday and my bro-in-laws sister, their mommy, died after being diagnosed with cancer with in 3 mths abt 2 years ago. The children ages are high school and the other college age.
Come quickly Lord Jesus. Come.
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