A small victory

Tonight the kids and I were sitting around the table discussing the usual and the homework that needed to be completed. My eldest started his whining and burst into tears not wanting to do it and listing all the reasons his life was miserable, homework being number one. At first I started in with my usual of that is life and that is what we have to do and then I stopped. I let him cry and wallow for a bit and then I felt compassion and begin to sympathize with "YES, I get it. Life is hard and I am so sorry, I wish it were different for you." I let him cry for a few more minutes and then he looked at me deep in the eyes and his tears begin to stop. My compassion was all he needed in that moment. A mama who understood and said she was sorry for him and sad for him. All the lecturing in the world and the reasons of why would have only made it worse in that situation. It was a good moment for me. A good reminder that sometimes compassion can be far better than a list of reasons or telling him to get it together, like I generally do. And the homework got done and I sat with him and cheered him on.
A lady shared last night at a meeting that she had learned in her child rearing years that being critical and teaching do not have to go hand in hand. You can teach and not be critical. That was my goal today and I failed many times before we got to the dinner table, but in that moment God gave me grace to bestow to my son and it moved me. Thank God it wasn't over a cocktail or cocktails and that I could be present in every way for him. Just another moment of grace that I am grateful to have. Tonight I was engaging, loving, not rushed, and in the moment with and for my children. Tonight I was the mama I long to be every night for them. May God give me the grace to do so more often.

Following Jesus

Well, the days are long, but good. Having three little ones will certainly drain your energy, emotionally and physically, but in a good way most days. On the marriage status we continue to sort through the mess and clear out the rubble. It is not easy and definitely calls for perseverance, prayer and Jesus. We have good days and hard days, but the days that are great are when my eyes stay focused on Jesus and not my circumstances. The steps towards real intimacy are a process we are about to delve into and much prayer will be needed as we both have wounds and hurts from the destructive marriage hamster wheel we've been running on for 9 + years. While it has slowed down, getting completely off is scary. At least it is comfortable and predictable, so to say. The other "unknown" is just plain scary, but hopeful.
The Bible verse that comes to mind is, "if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can say to this mountain be uprooted and planted in the sea and it will be.." not sure if that is the exact words but it's a children's song that plays over and over in the car and we all sing along. You get the point....
A year and a half ago I had that tiny mustard seed of faith that mountains could be moved and our lives and marriage could be changed. It was tiny and small and I could barely feel it, but I had it. I HAD to believe. For myself and especially for my children. God has proven Himself in many ways from that time and now my faith has grown to more the size of a grape. It is still there and bigger as I trust more and see His faithfulness to me in tangible ways, some days I struggle more than others to have it, but somewhere deep inside me I never have thrown it completely out. In doing this God has proven Himself faithful and in the darkest valley on my darkest day HE was there. In turn it has taught me to follow and constantly abide. Without Faith or Him on my side I am incapable of changing myself or hoping for change in my marriage. That has been part of my journey in truly following Jesus, not just saying I do or hoping to, but actually putting one front in front of the other and believing when the odds seem stacked against me. He is alive and He moves and performs miracles in ways I never thought I would experience this side of heaven, but it took tears, it took learning to become humble, it took falling down and losing everything of safety and comfort, but I can honestly say I would not change a thing. I know a Jesus I only longed to know for many years and that fact alone is amazing and prove His promises are still very, very true.

Apologizing.

Well, God continues to mold me and teach me and what I think is right, He often shows me is wrong. Pre-recovery I had an attitude of "this is me, this is what I am doing, deal with it" and often disregarded others feelings. So, I am trying to live with a new behavior of what I say and do in regard to others feelings. BUT I lied. I lied to one of my best friends in efforts to not hurt her feelings. I thought I was doing the right thing in considering her feelings and not wanting to upset her. I told my children to not tell her children where we were going bc I didn't want anyone to have their feelings hurt that they weren't invited to a mutual friends house.
My husband, gently and graciously, after the fact pointed out how unhealthy that was and co-dependent. SO I had to face my fears and gently tell my friend what I had done. Even though my motive behind it was to not hurt her feelings and my intentions were good, my actions were blatantly wrong. She was gracious and in return forgave me.
I also had to do damage control with the children, apologize to them and ask for forgiveness. I am learning, it is slow, but what I should have done is just tell her that was where we were going in a gentle way, concerned for her feelings, but not owning her feelings or issues that she wasn't invited. (not that those are her feelings or issues, but in my head they were)
Anyways, it felt good to apologize and hopefully it didn't screw my kids thinking up too much. I have to constantly realize I am not God and I will fail them. Period. They will have their own "trauma eggs", hopefully not to traumatic, and have to sort out and deal with the things that as parents we didn't do right. And my prayer is God will mold them and make them, in and through and despite the mistakes we will make as parents.

Happy New Year 2011

From the Valley of Vision. If you don't have a copy of this book get one. It is a beautiful collection of prayers!
New Year Prayer
O Lord,
Length of days does not profit me
except the days are passed in Thy presence,
in Thy service, to Thy glory.
Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides,
sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour,
that I may not be one moment apart from Thee,
but may rely on Thy Spirit
to supply every thought,
speak in every word,
direct every step,
prosper every work,
build up every mote of faith,
and give me a desire
to show forth Thy praise;
testify Thy love,
advance Thy kingdom.

I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with Thee, O Father as my harbour,
Thee, O Son, at my helm,
Thee O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.
Guide me to heaven with my loins girt,
my lamp burning,
my ear open to Thy calls,
my heart full of love,
my soul free.

Give me Thy grace to sanctify me,
Thy comforts to cheer,
Thy wisdom to teach,
Thy right hand to guide,
Thy counsel to instruct,
Thy law to judge,
Thy presence to stabilize.
May Thy fear by my awe,
Thy triumphs my joy.

Jesus Speaks

So this morning we had a 2.5 hour counseling session, our once a week time, with our counselors Suzanne and Paul Talley. On the way there me and the mister were discussing when I feel God talking to me, and lately it is often. A side note is that on Tuesday we had talked about the mister taking a silent retreat to learn to hear God's voice and to talk to God. Brennan Manning, the author of many books, talks about this in the Ragamuffin Gospel. A time you get away and seek to hear from and speak to God without any interruptions or distractions. A place of solitude.
I was sharing about how lately I really do hear God's voice very often, an experience in which "the mister" said he hadn't experienced. Paul pointed out it was bc I listen and it takes trusting yourself and knowing God's voice. Not sure how I have arrived at this, for sure the days of darkness and desperation, but I do know God speaks to me in intimate ways through-out the day. So, that is the latest topic in our household and I pray I remember the days I feel God speak and move, bc there sure are times I feel He is silent. I want to always be in tune with Him and His voice. I can't imagine life without the times I have heard him whispering and sometimes shouting peace and calmness amongst the trials of life.
Here is a Monastery in Georgia that does private retreats. I hope the mister can go and that at some point I can too. It looks beautiful!
http://www.trappist.net/PrivateRetreats

Merry Christmas

As the snow continues to fall here I am reminded of God's graciousness and love for sinners like me. It is beautiful and refreshing and reminds me His mercies are new every morning. It is a gift to have little snowflakes falling on Christmas. A rare experience you get in the south on Christmas day. Christmas for me this year was so joyful in celebrating the birth of our Savior. A tiny babe who was sent to this earth not with trumpets sounding, people celebrating or a big welcome party, but on a dark, dark night in a manger, surrounded by smelly animals with a mother and father who were barely teenagers. A blog I read quoted 1 Corinthians 1:27 "God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." Enough said.
Praise God for Jesus and our family! What a miracle it is that we can celebrate all together as a family and that we have Jesus slowly rebuilding our lives. Our children are benefiting from His work in our marriage. We are together as a couple and therefore together as a family. Although, it is not perfect and there is still disappointment and sadness that lingers, there is a hope. A hope that was given by the little babe born many years ago. Talking to my sponsor the other day she was talking about when she abides in Him, His love is perfected in her. I have no need to fear or to be angry, I can abide trusting He is moving and working and in control. Abiding constantly is hard, but when I do I know it. When I fail to abide I feel it, emotionally and physically.
I pray I may be mindful of that tiny babe -constantly- who came to give me life to the fullest. My husband, my children, my friends can not fill the void, only He can fill it and by abiding in Him I quit searching for something to feel that. I love seeing my children excited, hearing their screams of delight, seeing their innocent faces, having engaging conversations and fun times with my husband, but ultimately these are gifts I am able to receive, grateful for, but they aren't where the joy of my soul comes from. That comes only from my Lord and Savior and the rest are extras. I am thankful for Christmas as a reminded of the greatest gift fallen humanity could ever receive. It is mind boggling to think about and grasp! So thankful God is not silent anymore and that he lives and breathes true life, joy and contentment into the very depths of my soul. I pray everyone may experience such a spiritual awakening and have a "second journey" in their life, whatever that may bring.

The bottom or the top?

I had an amazing Christmas brunch with some old friends who have impacted me through-out the years. We got on the subject of blogging and how each felt like their lives weren't interesting enough to blog. I encouraged them to do it for themselves. Whether people read this or not it is therapy for me and my soul and I know that most people would consider this blog boring or maybe inspiring, but either way it doesn't matter. I enjoy it and it is good for me to look back and to be able to see growth.
After they left one friend emailed me blogs she read and how she felt like a failure and hers would not compare. I feel like God has taught me so much through recovery and I was able to share my thoughts in return.... When we place ourselves on the top of the heap or the bottom, both are egotistical. The latter is just pride in reverse. Neither are the Gospel. I have lived in both of these realms. The bottom for sure always felt the most comfortable. Through kind friends, mentors and counselors over the years I have really been able to grasp I am a little of both--a saint and a jackass. When we put ourselves down we are not grasping the gospel, when we build ourselves up we are not grasping the Gospel. Any good we do comes straight from God and the bad in all of us are because we were born into a fallen world with sin in our hearts that only Jesus can save us from. We ALL have it, whether your an addict or not.
The Bible doesn't have a lot to say about people who had white picket fences and had their life "together", if anything he slams those people (Pharisee's) far more harder than the people who don't have it together. David had an affair and murdered a man, yet was called a man after God's own heart. Peter denied Jesus three times, and all the others who constantly failed. I am grateful today to grasp the Gospel in a tangible way and no longer live on the bottom which is clear to me was extremely prideful in a different way.
Thank you for Jesus. The rescue for sinners. The ransom from heaven. Jesus Messiah. Lord of ALL!!!