Happy Valentines Day

So tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.( Saint Valentine's Day, commonly shortened to Valentine's Day, is an annual commemoration held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions). So I tried to surprise her and after texting 7 babysitters, finally found one willing to come tomorrow. We never get babysitters and therefore I know she will be surprised by this. I wanted to take her to the King Speech, but wasn’t sure if she would want dinner, so I went ahead and called her to ask her on a date and see if she wanted to do dinner too. It’s Valentine’s Day, what husband wouldn’t want to take her wife on a date…..Well, it turns out she and a few other women (WIVES) had gotten together and decided that this day wasn’t that special and they were all going to get together and spend time with some less fortunate women who wouldn’t have anyone on Valentines (which is another beautiful thing about my wife) and make them feel special….so…..

What have I and other husbands done that we take our wives for granted. (I know I am not the only husband who does this because she is hanging out with other wives). Why is it that we pursue and buy flowers, and make a big deal about Valentines when we are courting our wives, but now, almost ten years later, she isn’t expecting anything...

I really want my wife to know how special she is to me; I want her to never feel like life with me is just another day. I want her to “Be My Valentine”… a little cheesy I know, but I am shocked at how bad I have neglected my wife and I truly desire and want to be with her, and to cherish her… she has never been cherished by me..She is very worthy to be cherished….I hope next Valentine’s Day we will celebrate the love and affection between two intimate companions)

-c

Stirrings of the Soul

Happy Monday! It is early and I have been up way before the sun. My spirit is being stirred, I know it's a good thing, but it doesn't feel like one. An attempt from Satan to drive the feeling of anxiousness and being unsettled, but it is making me turn to God, spend time in His word and pray. I want some serenity, but not feeling it right now. I was in a funk yesterday. My brain was spinning and I felt irritable and discontent. I went to bed early. God is slowly and graciously showing me my selfishness and co-dependency and I don't like to look at my sin, who does... Things this week made me aware of how others affect me- good and bad- and how I constantly still seek approval from men. I don't like this.
Laying in bed in the wee hours of the morning and being made aware of these defects I had a vision of God before me with light surrounding me in a circle. That is the "hula hoop" I want to abide and remain in, but it is hard to stay there in His Presence. In the presence of the One who made, formed and guides my every step. I am reminded of the three A's when looking upon my defects Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I am in the acceptance place. I am well aware of these defects, am slowly starting to get to the place of where I accept them and am seeking God on now the Action to take. It's a hard place to be and a good place. As my husband put it, "once I think I really understand and am close to God I look up and there are so many more levels". I guess in church terms that is called Santification. God continues to work out my salvation and it is good.

Hula Hoops, Rabbit Holes, and Hitting Your Bottom

These are recovery terms used often in our house. Today I had a women ask me how she would know if her husband had "hit his bottom". I was discussing it with my husband and suddenly we see our eldest child....hitting his bottom. Laughter broke out and later as I told my husband I thought he might be putting his toe in my "hula hoop" we realized we had three listening ears in the backseat. Once again the car was filled with laughter. The three little ones grasp what a "rabbit hole" is from a previous car ride home when my husband jumped out of the car frustrated and said "you are sending me to my rabbit hole". In the dark we sat and watched him fumble with the keys and run inside, in the dark backseat no one said a word and then I hear a little voice- the eldest again- say "rabbit hole?" Needless to say it totally broke the tension of the moment and I can only imagine him wondering "why in the heck is my father about to crawl into a rabbit hole?!" After some explanation and assuring them their father was not going to crawl into an actual hole they since use this term with each other and state when they think think someone is going down in their hole. May God be gracious and let them be somewhat normal and hopefully their "trauma eggs" they all will carry won't be TOO full!!

Okay?!

Early in recovery my husband came home and shared with me something he had learned at a recovery meeting. Since then we have discussed it many times and it impacted him and has impacted me. From an early age we are taught "these people are okay", and "these people are not okay". I remember specifically my parents saying in hushed voices "Oh their divorced" or "Oh she has many struggles" and then to the flip side of "Oh they are great, great kids, great family" and "THEY have it together". So from on early age I begin to think certain people had it all together and certain people did not. This way of thinking was ingrained in me and I for sure knew I did NOT have it all together and I was the one who was not "okay"...my husband on the flip side thought he was the one in the relationship who managed his life better and most everyone affirmed his belief, he was "okay", if his wife would only get "okay". SO here is what was a revelation to him that he shared with me and we both try to live in the bottom reality of we nor anyone is free of struggles and "okay".

Belief System in 4 realms....
First- I am okay/You're okay
Second- I am not okay/You're okay
Third- I am okay/ You're not okay
Fourth- We are all not okay!!!

Not only is this recovery material, but it is Gospel material. No one is "okay", if they were we wouldn't have needed Jesus. So many people in my Al Anon groups I go to speak of how they came there to figure out how to make their loved ones "okay", but after time and through the steps they learn how they are not "okay" and how delusional their belief systems have been. It is such a freeing place to come to the end of yourself and your screwed up view of others as well as yourself.

So lately I have been hanging out with people who are obviously not "okay" and with people who I always thought were "okay". God has really revealed to me the people who I would have been so blind to their struggles and crosses are not "okay" nor do they have it together. It is freeing not to live below or above someone else, but in the real reality of... you are Abba's child and so are they. Their struggles may not be yours, but it doesn't mean they are free of them.

Update: I am doing great. Really feeling and seeing the fruits of meetings for 1.5 years and my relationship with the Lord is real and authentic and I feel Him everywhere and in everything I do. I am grateful for His grace in granting me His presence.
Marriage is on the upswing. More healing, more trust as we slowly, slowly walk the road to restoration.

A small victory

Tonight the kids and I were sitting around the table discussing the usual and the homework that needed to be completed. My eldest started his whining and burst into tears not wanting to do it and listing all the reasons his life was miserable, homework being number one. At first I started in with my usual of that is life and that is what we have to do and then I stopped. I let him cry and wallow for a bit and then I felt compassion and begin to sympathize with "YES, I get it. Life is hard and I am so sorry, I wish it were different for you." I let him cry for a few more minutes and then he looked at me deep in the eyes and his tears begin to stop. My compassion was all he needed in that moment. A mama who understood and said she was sorry for him and sad for him. All the lecturing in the world and the reasons of why would have only made it worse in that situation. It was a good moment for me. A good reminder that sometimes compassion can be far better than a list of reasons or telling him to get it together, like I generally do. And the homework got done and I sat with him and cheered him on.
A lady shared last night at a meeting that she had learned in her child rearing years that being critical and teaching do not have to go hand in hand. You can teach and not be critical. That was my goal today and I failed many times before we got to the dinner table, but in that moment God gave me grace to bestow to my son and it moved me. Thank God it wasn't over a cocktail or cocktails and that I could be present in every way for him. Just another moment of grace that I am grateful to have. Tonight I was engaging, loving, not rushed, and in the moment with and for my children. Tonight I was the mama I long to be every night for them. May God give me the grace to do so more often.

Following Jesus

Well, the days are long, but good. Having three little ones will certainly drain your energy, emotionally and physically, but in a good way most days. On the marriage status we continue to sort through the mess and clear out the rubble. It is not easy and definitely calls for perseverance, prayer and Jesus. We have good days and hard days, but the days that are great are when my eyes stay focused on Jesus and not my circumstances. The steps towards real intimacy are a process we are about to delve into and much prayer will be needed as we both have wounds and hurts from the destructive marriage hamster wheel we've been running on for 9 + years. While it has slowed down, getting completely off is scary. At least it is comfortable and predictable, so to say. The other "unknown" is just plain scary, but hopeful.
The Bible verse that comes to mind is, "if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can say to this mountain be uprooted and planted in the sea and it will be.." not sure if that is the exact words but it's a children's song that plays over and over in the car and we all sing along. You get the point....
A year and a half ago I had that tiny mustard seed of faith that mountains could be moved and our lives and marriage could be changed. It was tiny and small and I could barely feel it, but I had it. I HAD to believe. For myself and especially for my children. God has proven Himself in many ways from that time and now my faith has grown to more the size of a grape. It is still there and bigger as I trust more and see His faithfulness to me in tangible ways, some days I struggle more than others to have it, but somewhere deep inside me I never have thrown it completely out. In doing this God has proven Himself faithful and in the darkest valley on my darkest day HE was there. In turn it has taught me to follow and constantly abide. Without Faith or Him on my side I am incapable of changing myself or hoping for change in my marriage. That has been part of my journey in truly following Jesus, not just saying I do or hoping to, but actually putting one front in front of the other and believing when the odds seem stacked against me. He is alive and He moves and performs miracles in ways I never thought I would experience this side of heaven, but it took tears, it took learning to become humble, it took falling down and losing everything of safety and comfort, but I can honestly say I would not change a thing. I know a Jesus I only longed to know for many years and that fact alone is amazing and prove His promises are still very, very true.

Apologizing.

Well, God continues to mold me and teach me and what I think is right, He often shows me is wrong. Pre-recovery I had an attitude of "this is me, this is what I am doing, deal with it" and often disregarded others feelings. So, I am trying to live with a new behavior of what I say and do in regard to others feelings. BUT I lied. I lied to one of my best friends in efforts to not hurt her feelings. I thought I was doing the right thing in considering her feelings and not wanting to upset her. I told my children to not tell her children where we were going bc I didn't want anyone to have their feelings hurt that they weren't invited to a mutual friends house.
My husband, gently and graciously, after the fact pointed out how unhealthy that was and co-dependent. SO I had to face my fears and gently tell my friend what I had done. Even though my motive behind it was to not hurt her feelings and my intentions were good, my actions were blatantly wrong. She was gracious and in return forgave me.
I also had to do damage control with the children, apologize to them and ask for forgiveness. I am learning, it is slow, but what I should have done is just tell her that was where we were going in a gentle way, concerned for her feelings, but not owning her feelings or issues that she wasn't invited. (not that those are her feelings or issues, but in my head they were)
Anyways, it felt good to apologize and hopefully it didn't screw my kids thinking up too much. I have to constantly realize I am not God and I will fail them. Period. They will have their own "trauma eggs", hopefully not to traumatic, and have to sort out and deal with the things that as parents we didn't do right. And my prayer is God will mold them and make them, in and through and despite the mistakes we will make as parents.