Friday, October 22, 2010

In a rut

So I have been in a rut the past two weeks. Writing about it is therapeutic to me so here we go... I have lived in angst and have been down right crazy. Old behavior and thought patterns popping up everywhere, TONS of self-pity and laziness. It has been very discouraging to feel and watch yourself spiral downward. After two weeks of living in this manner, I decided to dive back into heavy recovery.
I went to a meeting last night for 30 minutes, it was all the time I had, but while there a peace pulsed through me which I hadn't been able to find in a while. Today I went to a Jafi meeting, one downtown, and let me just tell you I thought I might have a panic attack, almost left until the meeting started and people started sharing. Jafi is a very diverse meeting. For one hour the mighty descend and the lowly rise. People coming from their 6 figure jobs in three piece suits and sitting next to those who are next to homeless with no teeth and laughing and joking. It is a holy place, it grieves my heart deeply that I don't experience this kind of atmosphere in church, no doubt in my mind this is what heaven will be. For one hour people spill their guts and the man in the three piece suit and the man with no teeth have something in common. They have come to a broken place, a shattered life that most are slowly trying to rebuild. There is no pride, no judgement, nothing but people sharing over and over the miracles they have experienced through sobriety. There are ex-cons there, people diagnosed with HIV, people who have lost everything and moms like me who haven't lost a material thing, but their self. It is truly amazing. For one hour I get out of myself and connect to people in ways I can't explain. At the end we all hold hands and say the Lord's prayer, and that alone brings tears to my eyes almost every time.
It is a gift. A gift from God to be able to go and experience a roomful of miracles that share a common purpose and hope. Do I want to drink again? No, but if I stopped going to meetings and experienced the angst like I have the past two weeks I am pretty sure I would choose to drink again, if anything to escape myself. It is a relief and like medicine for the soul. When I am willing and open to go to these meetings and seek God's will and help for my life he blesses me in ways I cannot begin to explain. Tonight I am joyful, productive, and enjoying my family and I could not have said that at 5 pm. That, my friend, proves God's faithfulness and grace and something I could not have done on my own.

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