Thursday, March 25, 2010

Walking the road of freedom

Today has been a day of blessings. My step study, lunch with my sponsor, a good conversation with my husband and a great AA meeting followed by a rainbow representing God's promises. I wept as I drove through the rain down 280. I was so overwhelmed with God, His grace and His blessings. As I walked up to the AA meeting I felt so overwhelmed with God's grace of being sober 8 months. When I first went to that meeting it was more a walk a shame. I could not imagine actually wanting to skip and run with joy 8 months later, unashamed and set free to that very same meeting place. A friend of mine shared that when my husband confessed that he really didn't think I would make it 2 weeks without drinking, and that I am proof that God still works miracles. How true he is. I have hung on by my pinkie finger nail at times, but I have been held by God and His undying love for me and grace. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I have been swept out to sea and yet He was with me the whole time whispering "just hold on to Me." It feels amazing to be free. Free from alcohol, free from anger, free from I am grateful.

5 Months Today!

Wow, that is hard to say. Looking back, I couldn't wait for 30 days of sobriety. I kept hearing people say, they could remember what it was like to hit 30 days of sobriety, and now they are picking up 1,2, 3 year chips and it gave me hope.... now here I am at 5 months and am beginning to see life through clearer eyes... still not clear, but much better than where it was.

One example happened this morning. My wife asked if I needed her, I was able to ask if she wanted it, or was she just trying to give it for me... she responded she just wanted to give it for me and that she really didn't want it. I was able to say, thank you, but I am ok. (sorry to talk in code, never know who is reading this)

For once I am seeing that Sex is not a NEED, it's a WANT. If I don't eat or even breathe for that matter, I will start experiencing pain, and would eventually die.... The only pain I am feeling now is the pain from when I thought Sex was a NEED and how it hurt so many people.... That is something I have really enjoyed learning. I hope it will begin to take less pressure off of my wife and less shame off of her and eventually lead to a intimate relationship that is much more than I ever expected.... that's my hope.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Well, I can't sleep, so now I am blogging. The days have been good. God has been good and gracious, it is a CONSTANT surrender, but when I obey I see the blessings. I have been laying awake listening to the rhythmic sound of my husband's breathing and this time not wanting to kill him or hating him, but reflecting on my past and my pain that I have caused people, that people have caused me. I feel as though it has been a healthy reflection, not too much obsession which I am prone to do or too much self-pity for that matter. I am realizing how the past things I have done, with or without alcohol, were to fill me, this void that has always been there. How I was attracted to a sex addict because I was so sick. How my past relationships have been so unhealthy as well ,and I am pretty sure my high school boyfriend was a sex addict - he cheated on me too- ironically. I leave for Bethesda next Wed and I feel as though God is preparing my heart for my issues in the marriage. I do acknowledge there are plenty. I have done and said many hurtful things.
God has been convicting me, daily it seems, of my many character defects. Laziness, selfishness, jealousy, anger, lust...and the list continues. Having to acknowledge they are there and that they are not going to be gone overnight is rather annoying. I want to be a person who is so passionate about God nothing else matters and they can put on the fruits of the spirit like magic. It is a SLOW process, but I am glad that I am sober and I am able to start seeing myself for who I am, flawed and imperfect, but yet feel an overpowering peace that God loves me period. God loved me drunk and God loves me sober. That is something I never could believe and I still struggle with unbelief that he is that kind and that loving. I am hoping I can love the way He does, forgive the way He does and want to be like Him in every way, every day. He is molding and shaping me, softening and mending the broken places of my soul. To HIM be all glory.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Why do we have to be broken?

Why can't we just say we want to change and then change? I guess that is because we need God to change us... bottom line..... WE NEED GOD!

I hope your broken doesn't have to cause the damage mine has.....but I hope God does break you, because when he does, he will also be there to heal you... by the way, the healing is the good part....


Date Night

Well, we went out Friday night to Taziki's and to see Alice in Wonderland. Dinner was very difficult. My wife was very upset and sad that our date couldn't be what she always dreamed our dates would be like after 8 years of marriage. That we weren't having intimate conversations. I too am very sad about this...

It's only been 4.5 months since I confessed to her, so date nights are going to be hard for a while. I am just very thankful that she would even go on a date with me... it's almost like we are starting over, and the truth is, we are.... but the difference this time is that she is on a date with someone who only wants to be with her and no one else in that room, or in the whole world for that matter. I know she can't believe that, but my heart feels it. What happens when you lift these addictions that we use to cope with our past pains, we begin to feel the pains, and we begin to heal. Then we begin to feel real feelings.... I have those feelings now when I am with my wife... It's going to be a LONG time before she can believe this, but I know what's going on in my heart and I LOVE IT!..... in fact, I love HER!


Friday, March 5, 2010

You are not Crazy!

You are a hurt scared child who has never been protected. I have been a huge part of that. I am sorry that you keep hearing that from me. You are so strong, so brave, and so intuitive... not crazy. In fact, the opposite of crazy is normal, and that is all you want... so who's the crazy one... you want a husband who is faithful, a father who you can trust, and partner you can be intimate with... that is NORMAL. But for some reason, I (the crazy one) continue to call you crazy for being hurt and wanting to be normal.... I can't tell you how sorry I am.

God is faithful, never lies, and someone that desires to be intimate with you. And that is crazy...

A lot of people are going to make you feel Crazy for staying married to me... I don't think God would say that, I think he would say you are amazing! (and so do I)


Thursday, March 4, 2010


So this morning I dreamt about my father smoking, I had caught him and he lied. I woke myself up yelling " I am not crazy." My sweet four year old had crawled in bed beside me took her thumb out and said, "Yes you are mommy." We need to start saving for all the counseling sessions these children will need to attend. Sweet things, and yes she was right, I am crazy, but sober crazy which is always better than the alternative.

My tormented mind

“…But I cannot tell that to this old sinner, and I cannot comfort him either; he has made himself unable to hear my voice. If I spoke to him, he would hear only growlings and roarings. Oh Adam's sons, how cleverly you defend yourselves against all that might do you good! But I will give him the only gift he is still able to receive.”He bowed his great head rather sadly, and breathed into the Magician's terrified face. “Sleep,” he said. “Sleep and be separated for some few hours from all the torments you have devised for yourself.”
The Magician’s Nephew – Chapter 14
This is from a book by CS Lewis. I read it and immediately thought of myself. My mind is off within seconds, devising scenario's and situations relating to my husband. Dwelling on them and not turning them over immediately. It is exhausting and sleep is God's grace for me. I torment myself. I am in the midst of turning him over to God. Releasing my need to control. My need for more information. I know I sound like a broken record. For some reason I think my core belief about God is that He will not take care of me. If I release him into His hands I am bound to be disappointed, which is such a joke b/c he is already in his hands. Nothing I can do or have done in the past has worked. Why can't I get that? It is so much wasted time being tormented by constructing a world of what I think happened, what is happening and what is going to happen. I cannot be comforted and in this state I cannot hear His voice. I am having a hard time surrendering. Tonight has been good, I knelt by my bed and prayed "God I cannot live here anymore. Make me willing to be willing to surrender. Help me." And He did, I have had relief since. Prayer is powerful.

Definition of an Addict

Someone that is hurting and chooses something hurtful to make themselves feel better.... is that insane? I think so....


Daddy, Daddy, are you there? I am hurting.

Last night my son was jumping on the bed, I told him that if he kept doing it he was going to get hurt, I wasn't going to make him stop, I just wanted to warn him that he would get hurt and let him make his decision on whether he wanted to take that chance. It took about 5 minutes before he tried to do a flip and landed on his arm.... and got hurt. All I could do was hurt for him...

All night about every hour he would wake up and call out, "daddy, daddy, are you there?" in a very weak quiet cry. Every hour I would walk in and affirm him that I was and that I loved him. By 3:00 I finally told him that I would lay with him the rest of the night, I am here, get some rest.

I told a brother about that today and he pointed out the beautiful picture of the gospel in last night.
"The story of your son crying out your name made me think. How God must feel to see us in the pain that we are in. How it hurts Him to see us suffering. How it hurts Him to know that we are hurt. How He stays with us - even all night. How He loves us so much that we are His main concern. I know that not all the pain in my life has not been caused by me - family issues, addiction - but I do know that I have caused many of my own hurts. Like your son, I did something I thought I could without concern for myself. I got hurt. Unfortunately, others were hurt as well. But I do know that my Abba Father is there holding me, listening to my cries, and loving me as I cry and hurt."

How BEAUTIFUL this is! God tells us not to jump on the bed because we will get hurt, yet we do it anyway. Then after we are hurt, we cry out in our pain, "Daddy, Daddy, Are you there? I am hurting" and each time he comes in and tucks us back in, kisses our forehead, tells us HE LOVES US, and we try to get some rest. Then we wake up again, and he finally comes in and put his arms around us and then we rest. It takes my son getting hurt for me to realize God has his arms around me right now... Thank you Father, thank you for loving me....

(After talking with some folks, I forgot to add this piece
the first time I came in, I asked if he wanted medicine to help the pain and he said no (HOW INSANE?) so he went to sleep, so did I, then in about an hour I heard the faint voice again, and this time I asked if he wanted medicine and he said yes… how sad is it that God asks us if we want help and we say no… until finally we do say yes…
It's a mystery)


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Bondage of Self

I am in this. I want to control. I want to know. I want to be assured that this will never happen again. I am having to have constant surrender of this or else I end up in dark, dark places. Lord help me to do and be the following.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon:
where there is doubt, faith ;
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Prayer of Saint Francis

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Daily Inventory

In an AA meeting today a wise old women had copies of this daily inventory sheet and I took one. Most normal people get this, for my alcoholic mind, it helps for me to see it in writing and put pen to paper.
When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.
Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?
Personality Characteristics of Self-Will/ Personality Characteristics of God's- Will
  1. Selfish and Self seeking/ Interest in others
  2. Dishonesty/ Honesty
  3. Frightened /Courage
  4. Inconsiderate/ Considerate
  5. Pride/ Humility-seeking God's will
  6. Greedy /Giving or sharing
  7. Lustful /What can we do for others
  8. Anger /Calm
  9. Envy /Grateful
  10. Sloth /Take action
  11. Gluttony/ Moderation
  12. Impatient/ Patience
  13. Intolerant /Tolerance
  14. Resentment/ Forgiveness
  15. Hate/ Love concern for others
  16. Harmful Acts/ Good Deeds
  17. Self-Pity /Self-forgetfulness
  18. Self-justification /Humility-seek God's will
  19. Self-importence /Modesty
  20. Self-condemnation/ Self-forgiveness
  21. Susipicion /Trust
  22. Doubt /Faith

The Mermaid Chair

I just finished this book and almost set it down because it is about a women who commits adultery with a monk. Parts were painful to read, but in the end she tells her husband and they reconcile. It is a fiction book by Sue Monk Kidd, but here are a couple of quotes from it that struck a cord in me.

"...there is a release in knowing the truth no matter how anguishing it is. You come finally to the irreducible thing, and there is nothing left to do but pick it up and hold it. Then, at last, you can enter the severe mercy of acceptance."
"Forgiveness was so much harder than being remorseful. I couldn't imagine the terrible surrender it would take." (talking about her husband)
"It had been humbling to discover his own capacity for violence and revenge...He had stopped envisioning himself going to the monestary and taking the man by the throat, but he did not deny there were moments when he wanted the monk to choke and bleed.
He would never act on it of course, but even the wanting to, the needing to, expelled cherished notions he'd held about himself. He was not special. He was not entitled. His goodness, his enlightement, did not set him apart. He was like all the rest, carrying around the same huge quantities of darkness.
The knowledge of this had driven him down into his own humanity. Once in a while, he was capable of seeing himself as more than the pain he felt, he'd hoped his suffering was not being squandered, that somewhere inside it was making him pliant and tender." (this really rings true for my emotions the past few days for sure)
"Each day we pick our way through unfamiliar terrain. Hugh and I did not resume our old marriage- that was never what I wanted and it was not what Hugh wanted either- rather we laid it aside and began a whole new one. Our love is not the same. It feels both young and old to me. It feels wise , as an Old women who is wise after a long life, but also fresh and tender, something we must cradle and protect. We have become closer in some ways, the pain we experiences weaving tenacious knots of intimacy, but there is a separateness as well, the necessary distances."

A total chic book, but nonetheless I could identify with her husband when he learned the truth and the back and forth winds of emotions he experienced.