Monday, July 25, 2011

Spiritual Awakening

Yes, I've had one. Again. They are holy gifts from God the Father and something I can hold when the storms of life hit. They breathe life and the reality of living recovery. It is never one thing, but months of pushing through, digging through my old lense view, so to speak, and adjusting my new view of life, but slowly and one day at a time. We met last night with our couples group. One couple showed up in a great place having a great week, another couple showed up in tears, battered down by life and marriage. The happy, fulfilled couple shared their week. The husband had a softness and confidence I had never seem. He seemed a different man. He had admitted being terrified to pray with his wife and the uncomfortable feelings in doing so, but pushed through that and prayed, every day for a week as a couple together. They were bonded.
The battered, struggling couple had a week of defeat. The husband, wanting appear to be strong, was defensive about his actions and in wanting to appear strong and confident by defending his actions and weaknesses, appeared very weak and full of no self esteem. Just the opposite of what he was hoping to betray. And here I am reminded of the verse.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 ..."when I am weak, then He is strong." In admitting and naming our weakness, it allows God to show up and Him to do it. When I am constantly defending, justifying why or why I don't do things it blocks the Giver of Life. I am in self will, self-pity a lot and can't allow God to work. I am scared most of the time that admitting defeat and weakness is weak. Just the opposite. It is what we do with the weakness and how we either defend or surrender to it. I have found surrender to be a confident, faith act. It is the key to the path of freedom.
The marriage dance is getting easier and it goes back to just admitting and having awkward conversations. Such as one we had Saturday of me saying "this feels awkward right now and I want to bail, but I am not". Is it perfect? Hell no. Is it freeing to be confident enough to go there, to enter into the forgein land of trust and faith that I don't know what to do or how to get there, but showing up and trusting God and my husband with my heart? Hell yes. It was hard, but beautiful to be stripped of defenses and to just be present and awkward, but present and honest. It was a good weekend.

Monday, July 11, 2011


I borrowed 1,000 Gifts, the book by Ann Voskamp, from a friend. So far it is refreshing and runs right along with a tool I learned in the early days through AA, make a gratitude list when you are in self-pity or viewing life as an debbie-downer. It helped me greatly in the early days of sobriety, not instantly, but did provide a different perspective and the good things about my life. Not knowing I am reading this, my mentor from our marriage group, challenged me today to make a list of the positive about my hubby, so my mind (as we continue to work on our "new dance" in communicating and living life together) could stay focused on the positive and I could hopefully stay in a more compassionate state of mind. Brilliant timing.

Back to the book, as I was reading tonight, she says "To name a thing is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it. " AND " In naming that which is right before me, that which I'd otherwise might miss, the invisible becomes visible." So, my list begins and I am not assuming this to be the answer, but obviously feel strongly I should give it a whirl. Maybe it will help drown out the lies that Satan whispers to me about my marriage. So here we go....

My Eucharisteo (Thanksgiving) for my hubby... for today.

  1. He engaged with the children in imaging in the 100 degree heat on the trampoline

  2. He checked in with me

  3. He washed my dirty dishes and filled my dishwasher twice :)

  4. He bathed and put the kids down and told me I could go to a meeting

  5. He engaged my mother at lunch

  6. He hung my mirror

  7. He grilled out dinner for us

  8. He was thoughtful in asking if I minded if he had a beer while he grilled

  9. He kept the kids, while he worked from home, as I ran to a shop with my mom

and more to come in future days......

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Holy Places

As we sat around with other couples who are working through their recovery in their marriages and fighting for strength and purity and redemption, I am reminded of these groups I have been in for nearly over two years. Celebrate Recovery, AA, and now this group. Broken people, admitting they are broken, can't do it alone and through the sharing and listening and exposing one's own sin are seeing redemption first hand....a Holy Place to be. We struggled through sharing our week, a hard week at that. A move to a new house and the stress that goes along with it, opened the wounds and felt like salt poured in. We are not THERE again, but it was a reminder of the fragility of our marriage and how easy it is to drown in one's own self-pity and stress. We left still very broken, but encouraged and a little more strength to hold on.

In putting one of my little ones to bed tonight I was sharing with her a reminder of Satan's lies. Due to the tornado trauma she experienced first hand on TV in our state, I fear she will never be the same. Fear creeps in her eyes when the thunder rolls and lightening lights up the sky. She is thrown immediately back into the day she saw magnificent tornado's rip through towns and heard the weatherman say "people are being killed right now." I wish I had that to do over again and had them in a different room. But the damage has been done, and all I can do now is acknowledge her fear and speak truth to her. The truth being... Satan is whispering to her saying the same thing he says to me "God is not good. He let people die. Be afraid when storms come. It will end the same." In sharing about my own "tornado's" of life and how, just like she, Satan tries to lure me in to fear and in turn I have to fight to hear the truth. To hear God's whisper, "that He loves me, He cares for me and He knows how extremely afraid I am. That He is good." I have to make that choice to believe Him, to turn to Him, to look heavenward, not at the clouds billowing in heading my way... and then, and only then, can I have peace like a river. Not sure if it all sunk in, but it was a sweet dear moment of sharing our hearts and our fears and that our one true Father knows, and cares and loves deeply and we don't have to stay stuck in the lure of Satan....And that was a Holy moment as well.

I am so thankful for recovery and the road I have walked. I pray my children know a Jesus who speaks to them and holds them through the storm. I pray that he takes them by the paths of righteousness and peace, and they may experience first hand His love and mercy and life in their very souls. That they know Him personally and deeply and that He isn't a rule book to keep nor an emotional high. I can not give this to them. I can not assume they will turn out great, moral, out standing citizens, but I can assure you I pray for a deep rooted faith that when nature's storms come and life storms arise and they walk their own valley's they know exactly Who and What they are turning To. Not their parents faith, their Sunday School faith, but a real God who cares in a real way for each of their needs, and out of this they desire nothing more than to follow Him and all He says. May God redeem our family in all the "tornado's" big and small in life and may we never, ever cease to keep making the choice to turn to Him.