Monday, August 23, 2010

Wide Awake

Well, it's 3:48 AM and once again I can't sleep. I have been thinking about a lot of things. I finished, for the second time, a Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. It needs to be read, at times with a dictionary, and once you press through the first part of the book, you fall in love with the characters and the quotes are amazing. I have spent a lot of time with God in prayer, scripture and books lately. I am really feeling centered in Him and joyful with abounding peace.
I am praying for contentment in those I love and who are close to me. There is nothing greater than abounding joy and a peace that passes all understanding in the midst of a life that is hard.
This world is not our home.
That is one thing, through-out today, you can't forget. Having an earthly view makes everything jaded. Acting as if and living as if "this is it" sets you up for inevitiable heartache. Also, see how many negative thoughts and things you say and see if they go back to where your hope is, this world or heaven, who and what are you living for? It is NOT about behavior modification, some people do that well, but it is a heart change that seeps down to your soul and comes out in how you think, behave and live...when people are watching and when they are not.

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Road to Recovery and our children

Well, I can't sleep, been up since 4 and it's because I am so happy and excited about my life. I have joy and peace and the Lord woo's me in the darkness before anyone wakes up to spend time with him before the chaos of my day ensues. This morning it was specifically on how I have gotten here. How I awake in the middle of the night now bursting with joy rather than pain. Oh my, it is glorious. The 12 steps have been key in my recovery, they have set the captive free, free from addiction, free from self, and free to love others for who they are and where they are.
In praying and listening this morning and contemplating my life and how I never had peace for 33 years, I am convicted that I want my children to know these steps from an early age. We are ALL in recovery from the fall, whether you like to admit your an addict or not, you are. We all medicate in trying to make it in this world and we all want to feel better and each have something we turn to, other than God.
Not sure what this looks like for my children, but they are gospel based and I want to have a recovery based home. To teach them the tools in coping in life. From Celebrate Recovery, here are 8 principles to live by, all with scripture backing them up. So that when they are faced with sin and living in a world that is not our home they will be equipped with special tools that rarely are taught so simply. See comments for the 8 principles based on the Beatitudes, it wouldn't paste into the blog....

Monday, August 16, 2010

Was the Prodical Son an Addict?

I remember a sermon David preached about Song of Solomon and he was talking about how God intended sex to be so wonderful in the context of marriage. But what he also said was that if we settle for anything other than that, we are settling for trash instead of the treasure that he has for us. Yes, it really is 3:30 in the morning, but I was lying in bed thinking about this because my wife keeps asking me how could I, what was I thinking, and I began thinking about the Prodical Son and how he ended up eating with the pigs.

"and there he squandered his inheritance in reckless living.... and he began to starve..... The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything." Luke 15:13-16

Reckless living (Addiction) .. and he began to starve, because it will never fill us, but yet we keep going back to it (Insanity) ... the man became so hungry, desparate, that even the pig food looked good to him. His vision was so blurred by his hunger that the slop looked good (he was settling for pig food).... But no one gave him anything, none of it satisfied him and he became broken to the point of true repentance....

"When he finally came to his senses he said....I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant. " Luke 15:17-19

He finally came to his senses and he asked his Father to forgive him, that he wasn't worthy to be his son anymore. My first instinct is to look to my earthy father and I see that I have never felt this way, but when I look to my Heavenly father, I see myself being broken hearted at what I have done to Him. For once, I feel repentance (to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better)... it detests me now. I can't explain why, or how I did what I did, but I can tell you that now it makes me sick.

The most beautiful part is the end of the story of this son. As one commentary puts it, his father didn't even let him give his speach he had prepared. Have you ever tasted that kind of love? Someone loving you despite what you have done to hurt them. I tasted that Saturday morning as we sat through a porn presentation and I sat with my wife and wondered how she could be sitting with me after what I have done to her.... yes, I have tasted that love and I am grateful. More importantly, I have read the Word, and I have tasted that love even greater...

I don't have any answers to why and I can't make anyone understand how I could do what I have done. But there are moments when I can rest in the loving arms of my savior who tells me, I know what you have done, and I love you anyway..... and that gives me peace.


Saturday, August 7, 2010

One year and eight days

So the sobriety day came and went. It was wonderful. So thankful for family and friends who have walked through the valley with me this past year. I am a new creation ONLY by His grace. My husband gave me a ballon, flowers and a card. My mom came to an AA meeting that I led and LOVED it. My small group prayed over me, baked me a cake, got me flowers and each wrote me a personal note. It was all so amazing and I am grateful, very, very grateful.
On the marriage front things are well. The days have passed of the deep, deep pain and grief. I have and did grieve for sure and am thankful I am no longer "barely" making it. We are communicating better, engaging better and learning to live our new life. It is not easy, but it is beautiful and it all points to God and miracles. There are days that are better than others, but the good days are far more frequent than the bad. Trust is being rebuilt and we have a long way to go, but today we are making it and doing well. I can only pray it continues.
One thing I do know is, pink clouds don't last forever, nor does the darkest day. Life is a roller coaster that is filled with surprise drops and turns and I have to be thankful for the good and accept and deal with the bad in the best way possible with God's help. Surrendering my control and need to know what is going to happen I can accept life's joys and sorrows as they come. The song that has meant and still means so much to me"Blessed be your name"....
Blessed be Your name When the sun's shining down on me, When the world's 'all as it should be 'Blessed be Your name,
Blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name."
He is the Lord God Almighty. Who am I to question His plans for my life and my days.