Wednesday, April 28, 2010


I know I post song lyrics a lot, but all I listen to and what gives me comfort and hope is Christian music. This one is my life, raised in a Christian home, Christian school, but still believing in God was not enough for this rebellious heart. Here is a song I LOVE! The part in bold is one of my favorite lines!!

More Like Falling in Love by Jason Grey

Give me rules I will break them Give me lines I will cross them I need more than a truth to believe I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes To sweep me off my feet It ought to be More like falling in love Than something to believe in More like losing my heart Than giving my allegiance Caught up, called out Come take a look at me now It's like I'm falling, oh It's like I'm falling in love Give me words I'll misuse them Obligations I'll misplace them 'Cause all religion ever made of me Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet It never set me free It's gotta be CHORUS ...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love Deeper and deeper It was love that made Me a believer In more than a name, a faith, a creed Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

Nine months and God

I am two days away from 9 months of sobriety and it has been a great day! I went ahead and picked up my nine month chip at the AA noon meeting I attend and my husband came to watch (I picked it up early since I will be out of town). The topic was on God, which is the reason I am sober. I am so thankful to AA and it was definitely God's plan in getting me sober. The tools they offer and the support it so amazing. I am able to have a deep personal relationship with Him by staying sober and by attending AA and listening to others speak about their experience, strength and hope. Every sober person offers hope. They have been at the gates of hell, experienced something they could not overcome, and accepted that something greater than them had to redeem their lives. I wish that I could say that they all believe in Jesus Christ, but that is not the truth. Some Christians I have met through AA and we have a totally different relationship than those who don't believe, and I can only pray that others be led to believe in Him, the one true God.
From what I understand Bill W was a Christian and that the steps stem from the Bible, the book of James. AA people, no matter who their God may be, love you unconditionally. Many know about my marriage, about the adultery and when they saw my husband and met him for the first time their eyes lit up and you could tell they were genuinely glad he was there. They know grace like few do. You can be who you are and accepted where you are. A day sober. 20 years sober. Relapse and you get hugs, cry and they pass tissues, call someone at 2 AM and they answer and talk you through whatever it may be. Instead of sitting around discussing theology and what it looks like to "care" for people, they just do it. They live it. In simple words, they get it. They live the gospel much better than any church I have ever attended. My husband was very glad he came and said "it's like a family there, I see why you love it." And it is. Something I was so ashamed to be a part of has been the very thing that has helped me learn to live again. What the enemy set out to destroy me with- alcoholism- has been the means of my deliverance. In my life, in my marriage, and I am forever grateful for each person who has loved on me, prayed for me and they all have made me want to know God more and be more like Him. To live out the gospel, that is my prayer. To God, the one true God, be all glory, honor and praise!!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Hallelujah and faith

So, the hubs got a new job. It is exactly what he has wanted to do and after dinner with the owner last night, we are taking this leap. It is a huge leap because our income will be cut in half at the beginning. We are hopeful that it will be back where it is now in a few months and we are living on faith and that I can make more money in my job and that God will provide. He has provided for us so far, not a penny more nor a penny less of what we need, and I am having faith He will do this here. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!!!
A side note...I had asked him to be out of his job by June. God brought this job last week, so we feel like we are following His will. All the signs seem to point to that. God is good and God is sovereign- He will take care of us.
On another note, one of my character defects is wanting to be wealthy. I know it is not Holy, but all the people I am jealous of on my inventory have money. I am seeing this over and over, all my desires are so worldly. Anyways, this is the perfect opportunity to work on that one because we will not be wealthy anytime soon, if ever, and maybe God knows I never need to be.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Renewing our Vows

I woke up this morning so grateful. So thankful that God has been fruitful to me in the land of my affliction. At peace and feeling His love and His presence. I am ready to start thinking about and planning when and what we want it to look like when we renew our vows. My upmost desire is that God will get the glory. That our friends and family who attend will be able to feel God and His presence and through it draw closer to Him in their own spiritual walk. I want it to be a praise and celebration time, to show others God can take two sinners, redeem their lives, change their hearts and that ONLY He can do it. I would not be where I am today with out Him. Without having clung to Him and having complete faith He can use our dirty rags and wash them clean, without a trace of the old.
We are two different people. 8 1/2 years ago we made vows to each other that have been broken. We have not fulfilled what we promised each other. We have not been faithful to each other, I had an 8 year affair with "King alcohol" and have not been the wife God desires me to be. I was not present, for sure emotionally, and a lot of times physically. I pray that it will be a ceremony of hope and this time I KNOW it will be different. God is shaping and molding us into who HE has always known we could be and has wanted us to be. Not sure when, not sure where it will be, but know that I want it to be so special and beautiful.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Putting on my armor!

I picked up a pamphlet at Church on Praying God's Word for your Children. I have used it for praying for them, but also have used it for praying for me and my husband. One scripture that I am committing to pray every morning for myself, and the days I do I have had deep peace is...
Eph 6:10-11, 14-18
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
The bold words are the ones I really love and mean the most to me. Satan daily shoots flaming arrows at me and if I do not have my shield of faith up, they wound me. When I am constantly aware that Satan is out to deceive me it is much easier to be prepared for his cunning, whispering lies that try to pierce my heart and send me into dark places. I love also, that the scripture says to pray on all occasions with ALL kinds of prayers and request. Then it reminds me to also pray for others, which is a key part of recovery- getting out of self.
Here is what the armor looks like for me.
Belt of truth- that my husband is in recovery and sober, does love me, I am a child of the King and our marriage is being restored.
Breastplate of righteousness- that I may have a truthful heart before God so I can act with honesty and integrity towards others.
Feet fitted for readiness- that I be in God's word daily so I am prepared for the enemy's attacks.
The Shield of faith- for me to firmly believe that God is good and wants the best for me and my family, that He is moving and working.
Helmet of salvation- knowing and resting in Jesus being my Savior and Redeemer.
Sword of the Spirit- combating Satan, when I begin to worry which leads to fear and doubt, with praying and reading His word.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Something is just a little different today...

I fell flat on my face again yesterday and did something stupid and hurt my wife tremendously. My intentions were so good and I tried to do the right thing, but I fell flat on my face..... but something Eli (Bethesda leader) told me was that we do fall on our faces sometimes, and something to the extent of we have skid marks on our face. But the truth is I am running the race and I am trying to recover from this painful life I have lived, but I am running, running to my savior who's arms are open wide waiting for me, wanting to affirm me, wanting to love me, waiting for me, and I am running.... I have skid marks on my face from falling down so much, but I am running...

The little something that is different today is I am not as panicked as usual. Before I would think the sky is falling, my wife is upset and the sky is falling, I screwed up and there is NO WAY I am going to be able to make up for this one... but today, I stood up, wiped the dust and blood off, and said it's going to be ok...just get up and let's keep going...

Why am I in so much pain... just writing this brings me to tears... but why? I was not abused, I had a safe life growing up, I have a comfortable life, but why does it hurt so bad? Is this a good pain? So much to figure out?!?!? So much to learn... but today, I got back up.. and today I will start running again... the race is not over for me...


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Walking in Faith and the voice of doubt.

I am tempted daily to listen to the voice of doubt. It is hard to walk by faith and not by sight. As the inner battle in my head begins, it is not a pretty sight or a good place to be, to say the least. If I am not constantly aware of Satan's attacks on my thoughts I fall right back into the trap of self-pity and fear. I am learning how to get out of those moments faster and also am learning the H.A.L.T. (hungry, angry, lonely or tired) and how really true that is. I am in the hospital right now, was diagnosed with Diverticulitis yesterday and leading up to it, obviously I wasn't feeling well which made me tired and angry for sure. I was so snappy and mean to my husband and really had crazy thoughts of leaving him and how stupid I have been to stay in this marriage. I was totally buying into Satan lies that were swirling around in my head.
So we walk by faith and not by sight, and it's that easy right? Not at all, it is a daily, moment by moment surrender for me. I think of how Abraham must have felt when God told him to sacrifice his only son Issac. How the voice of doubt must have swirled around in his head, BUT he obeyed. And God was faithful. It is an inner battle of the heart and mind and I do believe there is a spiritual warfare going on over our marriages and our lives. Especially when Satan has had you in sin for so long, he is not going to give you up easily. So today I will choose to walk by faith and know that my God is faithful and He loves and cares for me far beyond my comprehension!