Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A New Chapter

I am wiped out. Completely exhausted and need 6 more of me. Our newest chapter begins in a little cottage high on a hill. A far cry from the big house we live in now. My children are thrilled. They even wanted to all share a room. It has made me very happy. Life is not how I thought it would turn out to be, but it is so much more beautiful. I have a beautiful life, weaved with sadness and much inner turmoil, but a passion that has been brought forth through the valley's. It just goes to show, bigger is not better. Quantity is not quality. I think we will all love our new home.
So, God shows up and meets me at the paint store. He shows up when I have nothing left to give, no energy, zero. And I plead for His mercy. He answers my call for help and somehow I am filled with His strength...when I try to muster it up, grit my teeth and keep pushing through, I am drained. He wants me on my knee's. He knows each thought, each need and He cares. I feel it. I know this. So, a trivial thing like moving keeps me facing upward. Though it is not as dark and sorrowful as the other places I have been when I am flat on my face, I know I still need to be flat on my face.
I used to wonder how people made it through life without a drink. That buzzing sensation that makes you feel warm and the giddiness that all is right with the world, until that good thing, that gift, that God has given you becomes your God. Your ultimate longing. Then it slowly starts to kill you and own you. Satan weaves the lie that "this will fulfill you".... "This is what your longing is for"... and just like Adam and Eve I believed it. Now on the other side and after numerous spiritual awakenings and being filled by the Giver of Life, I don't know how people make it without Him.
We are loved by a big God who cares for little people. He wants us to pursue Him. He longs for our love and He is waiting to offer peace to the chaotic, joy to the sorrowful, hope to the hurting, and He longs for us to come to Him when our burdens are all encompassing. He longs to have His glory shine in and through us. The "Church" seems to make everyone want to pretend we are "there". The truth is none of us are and we won't be this side of heaven. So we hide and put on our mask and inwardly die. When we are weak, He is strong. What a nugget of truth for me to hold onto this week. My may face be tilted towards the Father and my inward posture be on my knee's, ever reminded of the One who will fill me up over and over and over again....

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


It's been a while... I am good, my marriage is more than great, but I feel a longing, an emptiness still. This I have learned is my longing for heaven and to be in true communion with God. I desire God when the storm's and tempest roll. When life is calm and all is well, how quick I forget my need. The everyday chaos of life with children would make one think I would be on my face asking for His mercy and grace every morning, but I don't. Discontentment and looking at the world as "this is it!" sets in and I forget the Valley and the God who led me out of it. My best friend reminded me tonight, as I was discussing my ever so absent spiritual life, how much we are like the Israelites. God is right there watching, waiting for me to remember. Hoping I remember my darkest night, when hope, at it's best, was a tiny flicker. Remember my days of bondage to alcoholism and how I couldn't wait to feed my addiction and how I have been set free. Instead I build other alters to worship and try to find my happiness in other things. I search for the right paint colors, a new pillow, cute kids clothes, which is not bad, but when my joy and desire for these things rises above my desire for the one who made me and can breathe real life into this shell of a women...then my life is meaningless and empty.
My prayer for the coming day tomorrow is... to have God filtered into all my conversations, spend time reading his word and to pray on my hands and knee's as if I was still in my valley. To make a gratitude list and to be aware and intentional in my relationship with Him. I do not want to walk another valley anytime soon, I know there are plenty ahead, but I want to sing with joy and to worship the One true God who is worthy of my praise on good or bad days. Great is His faithfulness. He has never left me. I long for a spiritual awakening. For a filled soul with a Big, Huge God. For his glory to shine in and through me with those I come in contact with through-out the day tomorrow. For it will all burn one day and paint colors are nice, pillows can make a room pop, clothes are fun to shop for, but at the end of the day it just doesn't bring you life. May I be ever mindful of my little alters and how shabby they are in comparison with my Prince of Peace.