Thursday, June 24, 2010

Just an update

I am thankful today for so many things. I am thankful for a deep peace. I am thankful for a year that is coming up for my sobriety July 30th. I am thankful for my sweet sleeping three, healthy children. I am thankful for good books which point me to having a deep, deep faith- Hudson Taylor's autobiography is the lastest. I am thankful for being set free. I am thankful I am growing to know myself, the GOOD and the bad. I am thankful for my recovery groups and everything I have learned over this past year from the people in them. I am thankful for our church and our sweet, sweet small group. I am thankful I woke up today and that I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in at night, and for sure air conditioning.
I am seeing the world through new eyes. I am reacting to others in new ways. I am learning to love and accept who I am in Christ and to respect myself and trust myself. I am learning what it really means to let go and let God. I have a long road ahead of me, but I am excited. I am excited to keep experiencing a deep joy and peace that few people ever get. I am excited to get to know and love my Savior more everyday. I am excited about being free from my resentments and hurts...I am getting there, slowly. I am excited about walking with others towards freedom from their hurts, habits and hang-ups as I soon will move into getting sponsee's.
Life is good and I have never been happier. A quote from Hudson Taylor's book really hit home- "No unforeseen mischance had happened, but that these circumstances which seemed to be so trying were necessary links in the chain of a divinely ordered providence, guiding to other and wider spheres. God does not permit persecution to arise without sufficient reason....He was leading us by a way which we knew not; but nonetheless His way."
God still does move mountains. He performs miracles and he changes hearts and lives. I am blessed because I get to see it everyday in recovery. I see broken people become restored and lives changed. It is nothing short of God's hand and His work in broken, ruined run-down lives. Although I would never have chosen this road, I can today say I am grateful for each struggle and difficulty. For I know Him in ways I would have never. I have clung to Him as the billows rolled over me and I thought I might drown in sadness and anger. BUT He has been faithful. He has been the light in the darkness and shown me the way on a journey I on my own strength and will could have never made. I shutter to think where I would be if He weren't with me guiding me.... for sure in a dark, dark place. So today HIS light shines through me. He is with me now in all I do. "His will not mine" in everything. I am dancing to a different tune, that of a sweet Redeemer's soothing voice and am dancing on enchanted ground. Praise be to God!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Same Team

I sent this out to my sponsors and mentors last Monday. It was a great week.
I woke up this morning at 5 and God gave me a vision. Their were two people with their swords drawn and their Shields up facing each other, ready to battle and protecting their selves. It obviously was C and I and how we have been our whole marriage. Meanwhile, they were being struck with fiery arrows and being beaten by the real enemy, Satan and his spiritual forces. They turned around and begin fighting the real enemy when they realized they were on the same team. C is a new creation and new man and instead of beating him up when he continues to struggle I need to come alongside and use my shield of faith and the sword of the spirit- prayer and scripture to help him fight on. He is on my team fighting against slavery just like me and fighting our way to the promised land.
For weeks now I have gotten this in theory, but the vision was so clear and I FINALLY feel like it is sinking into my heart. He was able to be honest that it is still a struggle looking at women, and in him having the courage to be honest that opened the door for me to peace and courage to help him, not by trying to help him put up his shield or put on his helmet for him, but to put up mine, the tools God has given me, encouragement, prayer and reading his word. My fear will gain us no ground and leaves me paralyzed and the enemy gains ground if I am buying into HIS wily schemes. Just wanted to share with this with y'all as I know you all pray for me and are wanting to help me in this battle. I feel free today and know God is ultimately the Caption of our army and we must keep looking to Him to know how to battle. I was able to share this with C and we had an amazing time of prayer this morning!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Letting Go

Well, it's been a rough 2 weeks with little to no peace. Finally I am getting some serenity back and learning to live again in healthy ways. I am now involved in Al Anon, yes 3 programs, and am learning more each time I go to a meeting. At Bethesda they taught us about our co-addicts, how we are so sick and unhealthy because of our addicts behaviors and behaviors we learned to survive with at a young age. I am looking forward to this journey of becoming a new person in every way. I am learning to take every thought captive and it helps going to meetings to be reminded to do so. Not getting on the "crazy train" of our addicts and living each day practicing the tools we are given. It is hard letting go of old behaviors and patterns that are ingrained in our marriage, especially when it comes to relating to each other. Most of the time, I get angry or I shut-down, neither which are healthy.
I am learning and being comforted in, it is me and God. I am responsible for my actions, responses, anger, etc... and there is nothing I can do to control my addicts behavior. Last night at an Al Anon meeting a lady shared her husband relapsed, he took the appropriate steps in taking care of himself and she took the kids to the pool and she was mentally and emotionally okay! That is what I want to get to. To be okay whether my husband relapses or he doesn't. To know I have no control or responsibility for his actions, only my own. She was able to enjoy her children and be present even amidst his chaos, and she didn't allow herself to be dragged into it. I am hoping to learn getting to the "show-up" place and engaging my husband, but not being so intertwined with him and his addiction and recovery. To be okay with him, and to be okay without him. I am working my program and working on "letting go and letting God."