Well, it's been a rough 2 weeks with little to no peace. Finally I am getting some serenity back and learning to live again in healthy ways. I am now involved in Al Anon, yes 3 programs, and am learning more each time I go to a meeting. At Bethesda they taught us about our co-addicts, how we are so sick and unhealthy because of our addicts behaviors and behaviors we learned to survive with at a young age. I am looking forward to this journey of becoming a new person in every way. I am learning to take every thought captive and it helps going to meetings to be reminded to do so. Not getting on the "crazy train" of our addicts and living each day practicing the tools we are given. It is hard letting go of old behaviors and patterns that are ingrained in our marriage, especially when it comes to relating to each other. Most of the time, I get angry or I shut-down, neither which are healthy.
I am learning and being comforted in, it is me and God. I am responsible for my actions, responses, anger, etc... and there is nothing I can do to control my addicts behavior. Last night at an Al Anon meeting a lady shared her husband relapsed, he took the appropriate steps in taking care of himself and she took the kids to the pool and she was mentally and emotionally okay! That is what I want to get to. To be okay whether my husband relapses or he doesn't. To know I have no control or responsibility for his actions, only my own. She was able to enjoy her children and be present even amidst his chaos, and she didn't allow herself to be dragged into it. I am hoping to learn getting to the "show-up" place and engaging my husband, but not being so intertwined with him and his addiction and recovery. To be okay with him, and to be okay without him. I am working my program and working on "letting go and letting God."