Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A reminder

Well the past few days have been turmoil. My prevailing emotion has been anger and definitely NOT the righteous kind. I have sat in it and it has eaten me up. Ruled and ruined my days. I have not been seeking God nor reading His word. Today I spent some time reading through Micah. After I finished reading a while and meditating on God and His desires for my life and my marriage, I stepped outside and noticed this cardinal sitting right in my barren apple tree in the back yard. I immediately heard God say "My blood covers all sins, even his." I needed to be reminded of this. So amidst the grey skies and the barren tree's this cardinal sat for a while. It reminded me of my life and marriage, stripped away of the leaves and the round green apples that my kids love. I know this is a season and once again the tree will be lush and the apples will be back. It gave me a little hope and a reminder that Christ died for everyone, for my sins, for his. Today, I am calm. Today, I have a little more hope than yesterday. I pray He continues to remind me of this and I can grasp hold to Him, His truths and His love.
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Plane Crash

1 Peter 5:

"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."
6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

It's a process. A very SLOW process.

The best analogy I have heard is comparing my sickness to an airplane crash. They say you have to put your mask on before you help the person next to you. The reason is because if you lost all your oxygen before you get their mask on, you will pass out and then both of you will not survive. I say this because of this process of me learning that I need to stop trying to fix this marriage, that the only way I can fix it is by getting well myself.

I walked into work yesterday after having breakfast with a friend to an email that Suzanne had sent to me and one of our counselors saying she was ready to sign the seperation papers and for me to honor this decision and not discuss it any longer. All I wanted to do was plea for her to change her mind. I was broken completely.

Then another counselor/friend sent me this song

When you think you've hit the bottom
and the bottom gives way
and you fall into a darkness
no words can explain
and you don't know how you make it out alive
Jesus will meet you there

I just thought I had hit bottom. Rock bottom is losing everything you love. I was about to lose everything I loved. But what I saw when I hit rock bottom was's at that point that I began to put my oxygen mask on. (I always read the posts before I hit publish, and when I re read this, I began to weep. God loves ME, he wants ME to get well. I want to be sure you get this. He will take care of my family, but if I am not well, I am no good to anyone else)

I can't imagine losing my wife. I love her dearly. So then why do I continue to hurt her?

Romans 7

15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate

NO truer words could be spoken! God please just help me to find humility. What I have done is heinous, help me to understand that every day. Help me to take Suzanne's fear, and show her strength, because she hasn't seen it yet.....But God, please help me to get well, help me to survive this plane crash. And PLEASE help me get my oxygen mask so I can begin to save my family..... help me to see that I can't help anyone until I get my mask on first

- C

Monday, December 28, 2009

Prayer Requests

Here are specific things I need prayer for:
1. Peaceful sleep- I have been having horrible dreams at night and didn't go to sleep until 3 am last night and then slept terrible.

2. To stop obsessing about more information- pray that God will give me a peace and if I need to know more it will come to light without me asking the same thing over and over.

3. To have a gentle and quiet spirit- HA! No really, last night in a sermon this was a quote that went something like this "Anger is like drinking poision, it only hurts you." I have heard it around AA too, and it is so true. Everytime I give into anger and sit in self-pity, I waste precious moments of my day and feel miserable. Pray that I can grieve gracefully and be sorrowful, but without raging with anger.

4. For money to be provided- whether this is me getting a part-time job or my real estate picking back up.... with all the counseling and CJ has signed up for the workshop and we are barely making ends meet as it is, but God always provides exactly what is needed.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Good article and workshop

We will be going here once we can figure out how we will pay for it. I know a couple of couple's who have gone and said it was wonderful. It has been recommended by two of our counselors that we both attend this.

Diving into the Deep

Today we met with our sex addiction counselor. We both came with our sex inventory ready to share. For me it was a small part of processing my view on sex and my view on myself. My homework is to write my view of men, which scares me because I am not sure where to begin. All the men in my life who I have trusted have all lied to me. I know liars will be on the top of the list. As we have been told, and are learning first hand, this process is very slow and answers don't come quickly enough. I feel like on our 2ND meeting we are diving in though and will continue to go much, much deeper. I am hoping there will be an oyster at the bottom with a huge beautiful pearl inside to make it worth it. I am hoping for a marriage built on intimacy and trust. I am hoping and praying that my husband can continue in sobriety. I am praying we can emerge as a strong couple with a new found love for the Lord and for each other. I am praying He shows me my own issues and that I can emerge with a healthy view of men and myself. I continue to pray for our children, may God put a hedge before and behind them as we sift through the debris of a shattered marriage and walk through this fallen world, one day at a time.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Ecclesiastes 4:9

Being in recovery for my own addiction, I have a pretty big phone list of people I can call/text and ask for prayer. I did that this morning because it was a hard morning. I was sad and struggling to get it together for my kids. I texted several people who have been walking with me and immediately got a prayer texted to me, a reminder to get out of myself and call others new to the program, another friend suggested making a gratitude list. All these excellent ideas that I needed to be reminded of and most importantly I knew I was being lifted up to God in prayer. My day continued and my load did lighten. I am thankful for my friends in recovery and outside of recovery. Each of them add so much to my life by their encouragement and love that they offer me.
"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor." Ecc 4:9

Shame = Pain

Tonight my wife was confronted by another friend who asked the obvious question... "was it another woman?" Before confessing and before I had to ever walk in a room where someone knew about my transgressions, I had no problem suppressing the pain. I would tell you that I believed in God's Grace, that I didn't feel shame, God loved me anyway. As my wife stated, I had to sit down with her parents as they expressed their disappointment and pain and how I could do that to their daughter. As I cried and fought to explain to them that it was nothing their wonderful daughter had done, that I really did love her, I felt shame. I felt Pain! I don't know who all she has told, and will always wonder when I walk in a room with her friends, and each time I will feel the shame, and feel her PAIN..... She tells me she loves me.... how do I take do I believe that? God tells me he still loves me how can you love someone who is so unlovely...
my hope is little, but somehow I feel Him, like the times you are crying so hard but you feel someone put their arm around you, and until you stop sobbing, you really never feel the strength and the love from that arm... curled up in a ball, I just want to quit, but somehow have to find the strength to be strong for my wife for once, for my children.... I just wish I could feel the pain, without so much shame.... as my wife always says, "Jesus, Come Quickly"


Through Sober Eyes

A lot of people think of sobriety as being free from alcohol. For me sobriety is so different. I have been 50 days without one glance at a female, much less pornography. If you would have asked me a few months ago, I would have admitted that I would never be able to overcome this addiction. I can remember sitting in my step study and writing down that "One day I will not have to struggle with pornography ever again." I am sure a LOT of people that read this will be disgusted for one, but will never understand how someone can do what I have done. Hear me now, I am not making excuses for the bad CHOICES I have made, I am just trying to help you understand that I am not evil, just a very sick person.
I saw my father for the first time in 2 years because his mother had passed away and I was a pall bearer at her funeral. If it were up to me, it could have been longer. In his speech, he bragged about how independent she had made him, which is precisely why we haven't talked in 2 years. Needless to say, nothing has changed and I have little hope for this relationship. On top of that, my mother and I have argued, and for once, with Sober Eyes, I can see what my wife has been telling me all along... it's not right the way they think. I had the discussion with my mother about Porn not being bad. I love my mother with all my heart and this has been very painful for me, but to take a step back and hear that and realize the lie that Satan had convinced me of for so long, was refreshing. I don't have to struggle with pornography anymore....And on top of this, my brother calls me and tells me to man up and get over what I have done. The funny thing is, for once, I am manning up. Too bad he can't see that. His idea of a man is a father who left him when he was 16 never to turn back.... man up? Or cover up!
I believe the idea is to continue covering up the pain and never deal with it, until it blows up... so for once, I am manning up and taking responsibility for what I have done, for once, I am going to deal with this pain and not cover it up... and you know what, it HURTS! My problem now is not to hide in the shame, and not to feel sorry for myself, but hurt for the people I have hurt. We meet with our sex addict counselor tomorrow. He had me write out every single sexual experience I have ever had. Writing it made me sick, sad, and scared to death. Thank you God that you are allowing me to see my sickness through Sober Eyes... at least now it makes sense....


Wednesday, December 16, 2009


This morning I opened my Bible to Zechariah. Here is the encouragement from Zechariah- "They will pass through the sea of trouble...I will strengthen them in the Lord and in his name they will walk." 10:11-12
Here is the challenge "This is what the Lord Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another...In your hearts do not think evil of each other."'" 7:9-10
Here is the reflection- "Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit," says the Lord Almighty. 4:6
I needed to read this to start my day off right and am thankful God showed me these verses.
As the holidays are here and I am dealing with this, I see God's hand in the timing of it all. Oct 30th was the date I found out, Halloween was the next day so for the children's sake we had to trick-or-treat and I had to gather my self together. Our anniversary was Nov 3rd, I sat with our long time counselor in his office that evening trying to process it all. The baby turned 1 the 6th, our oldest turned 6 the 10th, I had a Star Wars party to plan and host and then we went for a week for Thanksgiving to my sister's in Wheaton. My husband's grandmother died the 11th and we have just gotten back from the funeral, 2 Christmas programs in two days and Christmas and New Years coming along with my sister and her family arriving in town to celebrate. I share the timeline and events to show His graciousness in a full packed schedule. I do not do well sitting and thinking. I think way too much, so the timing of it all "coming to the light" I feel is such a gift. I am tired and have had many sleepless nights, but He has continued to give me strength.
My parents are meeting with my husband tonight and that should be interesting and hard for everyone. Prayer is needed!

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Well, for the past 3 days I have been dealing with anger and a profound sadness. How could he do this to me and our children? I am tired. I am hurting and have no emotional reserve. I say things trying to shame him and I still can not wrap my head around it all. I feel like it is a bad nightmare that I am wanting to wake up from. Our family will never be the same, I am not sure we even can grasp the aftermath of destruction that this has left and will leave imprinted on each of us forever, needless to say the other women and their children and families. Grace and mercy aren't in my vocabulary right now, the only grace I have is that he is still living in our house. That is about it.
I pray for better days, for this load to feel lighter. Right now it is crushing my soul and I want relief. I need to pray, I haven't been. I need to pray for serenity and I need to pray for rest and leave the rest to God. He is my rock and my fortress, my deliverer and my stronghold. I need to remember this daily.
In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God. Psalm 62:7

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Grace and Mercy

There is nothing else that can describe the way I feel when I walk into my home. My broken home that I have wrecked.

Even as I sit here trying to think about what to type, all I can think about is I want to write something that everyone will like. Well, needless to say, my sexual addiction is just the scab of this terrible wound that is now gaping wide open. It's very hard to make it through the days. I am not a beautiful writer, so all I can do is let you into my heart by telling you how I am feeling.

I think the biggest feeling is shame. My new counselor (3rd one in 3 months) said we need to work on this. Most of the tears come when I tell myself that, "I don't want to be me anymore." A few months ago, I would have said that, "Yes, God loves me, of course." Now all I can feel is how can God love someone like me. I know these are Satan's lies, but right now they are ringing loud in my ear.

A few days ago my wife told me she loved me, I fell apart. How? I lied to my wife for so long because I didn't think she could handle it. She is far stronger than I ever gave her credit for. I hear this as a resounding theme with Sex Addicts in my groups, that they were afraid to tell their wives because they didn't think they would still love them. It's time to give them credit. It's time to let God use our wives to show us Grace and Mercy..........


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Dance Of Dysfunction

Well nothing is more dysfunctional than having two addicts get married that are actively in the middle of addiction. He looked at porn, I couldn't handle that pain, so I drank to numb myself and escape which led to him feeling alone and wanting something, someone that was sane, and the cycled continued. We kept each other sick. Our marriage was conceived in the middle of addiction and the cycle of it worked well for a while and equally fed what we both sought after. Control and pain management. All this time we were very involved in church. A church that has addiction in its DNA, which in turn fed ours.
With sobriety comes clarity. What I thought was a slight drinking problem, was a huge drinking problem. I justified and rationalized it and continued in the downward spiral. With sobriety came the strength to really take a hard look at my life and start facing my disappointments, hurts, habits and hang-ups. With sobriety came looking closely at my marriage for what it was. I was in no way prepared to face the pain that was thrown at me, but I am learning daily His grace IS sufficient. I can have joyful times in the midst of sorrow. I can laugh and I can cry and I do a little of both each day. Someone asked me if things were tense in our marriage, at moments yes, BUT we are sitting here together and talking about our day. It is not ALL bad, it is hard, and we are on a very long journey in healing ourselves and our marriage. Hopefully, we will learn a new dance that will bring praise and honor to His name.
A side note...tonight I went to a meeting and it was on resentments. (God somehow makes the topic exactly what I am facing it seems) A general rule my fellow AA buds follow is they pray for two weeks every day for the person they are resentful with to have peace,to be prosperous, and to lead a joyous and free life and generally the resentment is removed. I am NOT there yet. I was resentful for the resentment meeting :), but I know the time will come when I need to pray for those I have resentments with. It is just not today...

Monday, December 7, 2009

Our Story

As I start this blog I feel like I am writing about someone else's life, this was not the life I dreamed I would have nor have wanted, BUT it is my journey and may it all be for HIS glory...
I am 32 and a recovering alcoholic and my husband is in recovery from sexual addiction. I am in my 4th month of soberiety and God has been gracious in allowing me freedom from the obession of drinking. My 3rd month of sobriety, my husband came clean that he had an affair. I was to learn of more affairs as we began the road to recovery of our marriage. The total- 4. I am on day 39 of processing it all and wrapping my head around the hell of his addiction. I am far from graciousness, far from total forgiveness, and dealing with extreme anger. My pride, my self-esteem and my heart have taken a brutal blow. God is holding me and giving me the strength to get out of bed. Some days are good, some days are not. I have three main emotions-anger, sadness and indifference. I KNOW God, in bringing sin into the light, can bring healing and redemption. I KNOW that He will utimately use our sin and suffering for his GLORY! Some days I have hope, some days it is very dim. My prayer is that going through this and journaling about it we can help others in the future.
As an alcoholic of course my first thought was I need something to numb this pain. I struggle often with wanting to escape. Every day I wake up sober is a gift in itself, especially as I wade through infidelity with the man I love. I do not take this for granted and the fact that I have remained sober through it all speaks of His miracles and that they still do happen. The times I have said "It is too much" and have toyed with the idea of a drink could take this pain for the moment...He has held me. He is alive and is changing me. Did I think a year ago I would be 4 months sober and stay sober going through this? Absolutely not. I would have laughed at someone if they would have told me. But I am sober, and for that I am most grateful. I pray tomorrow holds some happiness and that I can walk through this one day at a time, and be somewhat happy, joyous and free.
"But this precious treasure- this light and power that now shines within us- is held in a perishable container, that is, in our weak bodies. Everyone can see that the glorious power within must be from God and is not our own. We are pressed on every side by trouble, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don't know why things happen as they do, but we don't give up and quit."
2 Corinthians 4: 7-8