Monday, December 7, 2009

Our Story

As I start this blog I feel like I am writing about someone else's life, this was not the life I dreamed I would have nor have wanted, BUT it is my journey and may it all be for HIS glory...
I am 32 and a recovering alcoholic and my husband is in recovery from sexual addiction. I am in my 4th month of soberiety and God has been gracious in allowing me freedom from the obession of drinking. My 3rd month of sobriety, my husband came clean that he had an affair. I was to learn of more affairs as we began the road to recovery of our marriage. The total- 4. I am on day 39 of processing it all and wrapping my head around the hell of his addiction. I am far from graciousness, far from total forgiveness, and dealing with extreme anger. My pride, my self-esteem and my heart have taken a brutal blow. God is holding me and giving me the strength to get out of bed. Some days are good, some days are not. I have three main emotions-anger, sadness and indifference. I KNOW God, in bringing sin into the light, can bring healing and redemption. I KNOW that He will utimately use our sin and suffering for his GLORY! Some days I have hope, some days it is very dim. My prayer is that going through this and journaling about it we can help others in the future.
As an alcoholic of course my first thought was I need something to numb this pain. I struggle often with wanting to escape. Every day I wake up sober is a gift in itself, especially as I wade through infidelity with the man I love. I do not take this for granted and the fact that I have remained sober through it all speaks of His miracles and that they still do happen. The times I have said "It is too much" and have toyed with the idea of a drink could take this pain for the moment...He has held me. He is alive and is changing me. Did I think a year ago I would be 4 months sober and stay sober going through this? Absolutely not. I would have laughed at someone if they would have told me. But I am sober, and for that I am most grateful. I pray tomorrow holds some happiness and that I can walk through this one day at a time, and be somewhat happy, joyous and free.
"But this precious treasure- this light and power that now shines within us- is held in a perishable container, that is, in our weak bodies. Everyone can see that the glorious power within must be from God and is not our own. We are pressed on every side by trouble, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don't know why things happen as they do, but we don't give up and quit."
2 Corinthians 4: 7-8

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