Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Plane Crash

1 Peter 5:

"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."
6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

It's a process. A very SLOW process.

The best analogy I have heard is comparing my sickness to an airplane crash. They say you have to put your mask on before you help the person next to you. The reason is because if you lost all your oxygen before you get their mask on, you will pass out and then both of you will not survive. I say this because of this process of me learning that I need to stop trying to fix this marriage, that the only way I can fix it is by getting well myself.

I walked into work yesterday after having breakfast with a friend to an email that Suzanne had sent to me and one of our counselors saying she was ready to sign the seperation papers and for me to honor this decision and not discuss it any longer. All I wanted to do was plea for her to change her mind. I was broken completely.

Then another counselor/friend sent me this song

When you think you've hit the bottom
and the bottom gives way
and you fall into a darkness
no words can explain
and you don't know how you make it out alive
Jesus will meet you there

I just thought I had hit bottom. Rock bottom is losing everything you love. I was about to lose everything I loved. But what I saw when I hit rock bottom was's at that point that I began to put my oxygen mask on. (I always read the posts before I hit publish, and when I re read this, I began to weep. God loves ME, he wants ME to get well. I want to be sure you get this. He will take care of my family, but if I am not well, I am no good to anyone else)

I can't imagine losing my wife. I love her dearly. So then why do I continue to hurt her?

Romans 7

15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate

NO truer words could be spoken! God please just help me to find humility. What I have done is heinous, help me to understand that every day. Help me to take Suzanne's fear, and show her strength, because she hasn't seen it yet.....But God, please help me to get well, help me to survive this plane crash. And PLEASE help me get my oxygen mask so I can begin to save my family..... help me to see that I can't help anyone until I get my mask on first

- C

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