Monday, December 21, 2009

Through Sober Eyes

A lot of people think of sobriety as being free from alcohol. For me sobriety is so different. I have been 50 days without one glance at a female, much less pornography. If you would have asked me a few months ago, I would have admitted that I would never be able to overcome this addiction. I can remember sitting in my step study and writing down that "One day I will not have to struggle with pornography ever again." I am sure a LOT of people that read this will be disgusted for one, but will never understand how someone can do what I have done. Hear me now, I am not making excuses for the bad CHOICES I have made, I am just trying to help you understand that I am not evil, just a very sick person.
I saw my father for the first time in 2 years because his mother had passed away and I was a pall bearer at her funeral. If it were up to me, it could have been longer. In his speech, he bragged about how independent she had made him, which is precisely why we haven't talked in 2 years. Needless to say, nothing has changed and I have little hope for this relationship. On top of that, my mother and I have argued, and for once, with Sober Eyes, I can see what my wife has been telling me all along... it's not right the way they think. I had the discussion with my mother about Porn not being bad. I love my mother with all my heart and this has been very painful for me, but to take a step back and hear that and realize the lie that Satan had convinced me of for so long, was refreshing. I don't have to struggle with pornography anymore....And on top of this, my brother calls me and tells me to man up and get over what I have done. The funny thing is, for once, I am manning up. Too bad he can't see that. His idea of a man is a father who left him when he was 16 never to turn back.... man up? Or cover up!
I believe the idea is to continue covering up the pain and never deal with it, until it blows up... so for once, I am manning up and taking responsibility for what I have done, for once, I am going to deal with this pain and not cover it up... and you know what, it HURTS! My problem now is not to hide in the shame, and not to feel sorry for myself, but hurt for the people I have hurt. We meet with our sex addict counselor tomorrow. He had me write out every single sexual experience I have ever had. Writing it made me sick, sad, and scared to death. Thank you God that you are allowing me to see my sickness through Sober Eyes... at least now it makes sense....


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