Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Dance Of Dysfunction

Well nothing is more dysfunctional than having two addicts get married that are actively in the middle of addiction. He looked at porn, I couldn't handle that pain, so I drank to numb myself and escape which led to him feeling alone and wanting something, someone that was sane, and the cycled continued. We kept each other sick. Our marriage was conceived in the middle of addiction and the cycle of it worked well for a while and equally fed what we both sought after. Control and pain management. All this time we were very involved in church. A church that has addiction in its DNA, which in turn fed ours.
With sobriety comes clarity. What I thought was a slight drinking problem, was a huge drinking problem. I justified and rationalized it and continued in the downward spiral. With sobriety came the strength to really take a hard look at my life and start facing my disappointments, hurts, habits and hang-ups. With sobriety came looking closely at my marriage for what it was. I was in no way prepared to face the pain that was thrown at me, but I am learning daily His grace IS sufficient. I can have joyful times in the midst of sorrow. I can laugh and I can cry and I do a little of both each day. Someone asked me if things were tense in our marriage, at moments yes, BUT we are sitting here together and talking about our day. It is not ALL bad, it is hard, and we are on a very long journey in healing ourselves and our marriage. Hopefully, we will learn a new dance that will bring praise and honor to His name.
A side note...tonight I went to a meeting and it was on resentments. (God somehow makes the topic exactly what I am facing it seems) A general rule my fellow AA buds follow is they pray for two weeks every day for the person they are resentful with to have peace,to be prosperous, and to lead a joyous and free life and generally the resentment is removed. I am NOT there yet. I was resentful for the resentment meeting :), but I know the time will come when I need to pray for those I have resentments with. It is just not today...

1 comment:

  1. my favorite line is at the end of last night's post..."i was resentful for the resentment meeting"!!! CLASSIC suz. i love you both so much. and i'm proud of you for this blog. prayers and love abound!