Monday, December 21, 2009

Shame = Pain

Tonight my wife was confronted by another friend who asked the obvious question... "was it another woman?" Before confessing and before I had to ever walk in a room where someone knew about my transgressions, I had no problem suppressing the pain. I would tell you that I believed in God's Grace, that I didn't feel shame, God loved me anyway. As my wife stated, I had to sit down with her parents as they expressed their disappointment and pain and how I could do that to their daughter. As I cried and fought to explain to them that it was nothing their wonderful daughter had done, that I really did love her, I felt shame. I felt Pain! I don't know who all she has told, and will always wonder when I walk in a room with her friends, and each time I will feel the shame, and feel her PAIN..... She tells me she loves me.... how do I take do I believe that? God tells me he still loves me how can you love someone who is so unlovely...
my hope is little, but somehow I feel Him, like the times you are crying so hard but you feel someone put their arm around you, and until you stop sobbing, you really never feel the strength and the love from that arm... curled up in a ball, I just want to quit, but somehow have to find the strength to be strong for my wife for once, for my children.... I just wish I could feel the pain, without so much shame.... as my wife always says, "Jesus, Come Quickly"


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