Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A New Chapter

I am wiped out. Completely exhausted and need 6 more of me. Our newest chapter begins in a little cottage high on a hill. A far cry from the big house we live in now. My children are thrilled. They even wanted to all share a room. It has made me very happy. Life is not how I thought it would turn out to be, but it is so much more beautiful. I have a beautiful life, weaved with sadness and much inner turmoil, but a passion that has been brought forth through the valley's. It just goes to show, bigger is not better. Quantity is not quality. I think we will all love our new home.
So, God shows up and meets me at the paint store. He shows up when I have nothing left to give, no energy, zero. And I plead for His mercy. He answers my call for help and somehow I am filled with His strength...when I try to muster it up, grit my teeth and keep pushing through, I am drained. He wants me on my knee's. He knows each thought, each need and He cares. I feel it. I know this. So, a trivial thing like moving keeps me facing upward. Though it is not as dark and sorrowful as the other places I have been when I am flat on my face, I know I still need to be flat on my face.
I used to wonder how people made it through life without a drink. That buzzing sensation that makes you feel warm and the giddiness that all is right with the world, until that good thing, that gift, that God has given you becomes your God. Your ultimate longing. Then it slowly starts to kill you and own you. Satan weaves the lie that "this will fulfill you".... "This is what your longing is for"... and just like Adam and Eve I believed it. Now on the other side and after numerous spiritual awakenings and being filled by the Giver of Life, I don't know how people make it without Him.
We are loved by a big God who cares for little people. He wants us to pursue Him. He longs for our love and He is waiting to offer peace to the chaotic, joy to the sorrowful, hope to the hurting, and He longs for us to come to Him when our burdens are all encompassing. He longs to have His glory shine in and through us. The "Church" seems to make everyone want to pretend we are "there". The truth is none of us are and we won't be this side of heaven. So we hide and put on our mask and inwardly die. When we are weak, He is strong. What a nugget of truth for me to hold onto this week. My may face be tilted towards the Father and my inward posture be on my knee's, ever reminded of the One who will fill me up over and over and over again....

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