I remember a sermon David preached about Song of Solomon and he was talking about how God intended sex to be so wonderful in the context of marriage. But what he also said was that if we settle for anything other than that, we are settling for trash instead of the treasure that he has for us. Yes, it really is 3:30 in the morning, but I was lying in bed thinking about this because my wife keeps asking me how could I, what was I thinking, and I began thinking about the Prodical Son and how he ended up eating with the pigs.
"and there he squandered his inheritance in reckless living.... and he began to starve..... The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything." Luke 15:13-16
Reckless living (Addiction) .. and he began to starve, because it will never fill us, but yet we keep going back to it (Insanity) ... the man became so hungry, desparate, that even the pig food looked good to him. His vision was so blurred by his hunger that the slop looked good (he was settling for pig food).... But no one gave him anything, none of it satisfied him and he became broken to the point of true repentance....
"When he finally came to his senses he said....I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant. " Luke 15:17-19
He finally came to his senses and he asked his Father to forgive him, that he wasn't worthy to be his son anymore. My first instinct is to look to my earthy father and I see that I have never felt this way, but when I look to my Heavenly father, I see myself being broken hearted at what I have done to Him. For once, I feel repentance (to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better)... it detests me now. I can't explain why, or how I did what I did, but I can tell you that now it makes me sick.
The most beautiful part is the end of the story of this son. As one commentary puts it, his father didn't even let him give his speach he had prepared. Have you ever tasted that kind of love? Someone loving you despite what you have done to hurt them. I tasted that Saturday morning as we sat through a porn presentation and I sat with my wife and wondered how she could be sitting with me after what I have done to her.... yes, I have tasted that love and I am grateful. More importantly, I have read the Word, and I have tasted that love even greater...
I don't have any answers to why and I can't make anyone understand how I could do what I have done. But there are moments when I can rest in the loving arms of my savior who tells me, I know what you have done, and I love you anyway..... and that gives me peace.