Yes, I've had one. Again. They are holy gifts from God the Father and something I can hold when the storms of life hit. They breathe life and the reality of living recovery. It is never one thing, but months of pushing through, digging through my old lense view, so to speak, and adjusting my new view of life, but slowly and one day at a time. We met last night with our couples group. One couple showed up in a great place having a great week, another couple showed up in tears, battered down by life and marriage. The happy, fulfilled couple shared their week. The husband had a softness and confidence I had never seem. He seemed a different man. He had admitted being terrified to pray with his wife and the uncomfortable feelings in doing so, but pushed through that and prayed, every day for a week as a couple together. They were bonded.
The battered, struggling couple had a week of defeat. The husband, wanting appear to be strong, was defensive about his actions and in wanting to appear strong and confident by defending his actions and weaknesses, appeared very weak and full of no self esteem. Just the opposite of what he was hoping to betray. And here I am reminded of the verse.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 ..."when I am weak, then He is strong." In admitting and naming our weakness, it allows God to show up and Him to do it. When I am constantly defending, justifying why or why I don't do things it blocks the Giver of Life. I am in self will, self-pity a lot and can't allow God to work. I am scared most of the time that admitting defeat and weakness is weak. Just the opposite. It is what we do with the weakness and how we either defend or surrender to it. I have found surrender to be a confident, faith act. It is the key to the path of freedom.
The marriage dance is getting easier and it goes back to just admitting and having awkward conversations. Such as one we had Saturday of me saying "this feels awkward right now and I want to bail, but I am not". Is it perfect? Hell no. Is it freeing to be confident enough to go there, to enter into the forgein land of trust and faith that I don't know what to do or how to get there, but showing up and trusting God and my husband with my heart? Hell yes. It was hard, but beautiful to be stripped of defenses and to just be present and awkward, but present and honest. It was a good weekend.