Well, I can't sleep, so now I am blogging. The days have been good. God has been good and gracious, it is a CONSTANT surrender, but when I obey I see the blessings. I have been laying awake listening to the rhythmic sound of my husband's breathing and this time not wanting to kill him or hating him, but reflecting on my past and my pain that I have caused people, that people have caused me. I feel as though it has been a healthy reflection, not too much obsession which I am prone to do or too much self-pity for that matter. I am realizing how the past things I have done, with or without alcohol, were to fill me, this void that has always been there. How I was attracted to a sex addict because I was so sick. How my past relationships have been so unhealthy as well ,and I am pretty sure my high school boyfriend was a sex addict - he cheated on me too- ironically. I leave for Bethesda next Wed and I feel as though God is preparing my heart for my issues in the marriage. I do acknowledge there are plenty. I have done and said many hurtful things.
God has been convicting me, daily it seems, of my many character defects. Laziness, selfishness, jealousy, anger, lust...and the list continues. Having to acknowledge they are there and that they are not going to be gone overnight is rather annoying. I want to be a person who is so passionate about God nothing else matters and they can put on the fruits of the spirit like magic. It is a SLOW process, but I am glad that I am sober and I am able to start seeing myself for who I am, flawed and imperfect, but yet feel an overpowering peace that God loves me period. God loved me drunk and God loves me sober. That is something I never could believe and I still struggle with unbelief that he is that kind and that loving. I am hoping I can love the way He does, forgive the way He does and want to be like Him in every way, every day. He is molding and shaping me, softening and mending the broken places of my soul. To HIM be all glory.