Thursday, March 4, 2010

My tormented mind

“…But I cannot tell that to this old sinner, and I cannot comfort him either; he has made himself unable to hear my voice. If I spoke to him, he would hear only growlings and roarings. Oh Adam's sons, how cleverly you defend yourselves against all that might do you good! But I will give him the only gift he is still able to receive.”He bowed his great head rather sadly, and breathed into the Magician's terrified face. “Sleep,” he said. “Sleep and be separated for some few hours from all the torments you have devised for yourself.”
The Magician’s Nephew – Chapter 14
This is from a book by CS Lewis. I read it and immediately thought of myself. My mind is off within seconds, devising scenario's and situations relating to my husband. Dwelling on them and not turning them over immediately. It is exhausting and sleep is God's grace for me. I torment myself. I am in the midst of turning him over to God. Releasing my need to control. My need for more information. I know I sound like a broken record. For some reason I think my core belief about God is that He will not take care of me. If I release him into His hands I am bound to be disappointed, which is such a joke b/c he is already in his hands. Nothing I can do or have done in the past has worked. Why can't I get that? It is so much wasted time being tormented by constructing a world of what I think happened, what is happening and what is going to happen. I cannot be comforted and in this state I cannot hear His voice. I am having a hard time surrendering. Tonight has been good, I knelt by my bed and prayed "God I cannot live here anymore. Make me willing to be willing to surrender. Help me." And He did, I have had relief since. Prayer is powerful.

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