A small victory

Tonight the kids and I were sitting around the table discussing the usual and the homework that needed to be completed. My eldest started his whining and burst into tears not wanting to do it and listing all the reasons his life was miserable, homework being number one. At first I started in with my usual of that is life and that is what we have to do and then I stopped. I let him cry and wallow for a bit and then I felt compassion and begin to sympathize with "YES, I get it. Life is hard and I am so sorry, I wish it were different for you." I let him cry for a few more minutes and then he looked at me deep in the eyes and his tears begin to stop. My compassion was all he needed in that moment. A mama who understood and said she was sorry for him and sad for him. All the lecturing in the world and the reasons of why would have only made it worse in that situation. It was a good moment for me. A good reminder that sometimes compassion can be far better than a list of reasons or telling him to get it together, like I generally do. And the homework got done and I sat with him and cheered him on.
A lady shared last night at a meeting that she had learned in her child rearing years that being critical and teaching do not have to go hand in hand. You can teach and not be critical. That was my goal today and I failed many times before we got to the dinner table, but in that moment God gave me grace to bestow to my son and it moved me. Thank God it wasn't over a cocktail or cocktails and that I could be present in every way for him. Just another moment of grace that I am grateful to have. Tonight I was engaging, loving, not rushed, and in the moment with and for my children. Tonight I was the mama I long to be every night for them. May God give me the grace to do so more often.

Following Jesus

Well, the days are long, but good. Having three little ones will certainly drain your energy, emotionally and physically, but in a good way most days. On the marriage status we continue to sort through the mess and clear out the rubble. It is not easy and definitely calls for perseverance, prayer and Jesus. We have good days and hard days, but the days that are great are when my eyes stay focused on Jesus and not my circumstances. The steps towards real intimacy are a process we are about to delve into and much prayer will be needed as we both have wounds and hurts from the destructive marriage hamster wheel we've been running on for 9 + years. While it has slowed down, getting completely off is scary. At least it is comfortable and predictable, so to say. The other "unknown" is just plain scary, but hopeful.
The Bible verse that comes to mind is, "if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can say to this mountain be uprooted and planted in the sea and it will be.." not sure if that is the exact words but it's a children's song that plays over and over in the car and we all sing along. You get the point....
A year and a half ago I had that tiny mustard seed of faith that mountains could be moved and our lives and marriage could be changed. It was tiny and small and I could barely feel it, but I had it. I HAD to believe. For myself and especially for my children. God has proven Himself in many ways from that time and now my faith has grown to more the size of a grape. It is still there and bigger as I trust more and see His faithfulness to me in tangible ways, some days I struggle more than others to have it, but somewhere deep inside me I never have thrown it completely out. In doing this God has proven Himself faithful and in the darkest valley on my darkest day HE was there. In turn it has taught me to follow and constantly abide. Without Faith or Him on my side I am incapable of changing myself or hoping for change in my marriage. That has been part of my journey in truly following Jesus, not just saying I do or hoping to, but actually putting one front in front of the other and believing when the odds seem stacked against me. He is alive and He moves and performs miracles in ways I never thought I would experience this side of heaven, but it took tears, it took learning to become humble, it took falling down and losing everything of safety and comfort, but I can honestly say I would not change a thing. I know a Jesus I only longed to know for many years and that fact alone is amazing and prove His promises are still very, very true.

Apologizing.

Well, God continues to mold me and teach me and what I think is right, He often shows me is wrong. Pre-recovery I had an attitude of "this is me, this is what I am doing, deal with it" and often disregarded others feelings. So, I am trying to live with a new behavior of what I say and do in regard to others feelings. BUT I lied. I lied to one of my best friends in efforts to not hurt her feelings. I thought I was doing the right thing in considering her feelings and not wanting to upset her. I told my children to not tell her children where we were going bc I didn't want anyone to have their feelings hurt that they weren't invited to a mutual friends house.
My husband, gently and graciously, after the fact pointed out how unhealthy that was and co-dependent. SO I had to face my fears and gently tell my friend what I had done. Even though my motive behind it was to not hurt her feelings and my intentions were good, my actions were blatantly wrong. She was gracious and in return forgave me.
I also had to do damage control with the children, apologize to them and ask for forgiveness. I am learning, it is slow, but what I should have done is just tell her that was where we were going in a gentle way, concerned for her feelings, but not owning her feelings or issues that she wasn't invited. (not that those are her feelings or issues, but in my head they were)
Anyways, it felt good to apologize and hopefully it didn't screw my kids thinking up too much. I have to constantly realize I am not God and I will fail them. Period. They will have their own "trauma eggs", hopefully not to traumatic, and have to sort out and deal with the things that as parents we didn't do right. And my prayer is God will mold them and make them, in and through and despite the mistakes we will make as parents.

Happy New Year 2011

From the Valley of Vision. If you don't have a copy of this book get one. It is a beautiful collection of prayers!
New Year Prayer
O Lord,
Length of days does not profit me
except the days are passed in Thy presence,
in Thy service, to Thy glory.
Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides,
sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour,
that I may not be one moment apart from Thee,
but may rely on Thy Spirit
to supply every thought,
speak in every word,
direct every step,
prosper every work,
build up every mote of faith,
and give me a desire
to show forth Thy praise;
testify Thy love,
advance Thy kingdom.

I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with Thee, O Father as my harbour,
Thee, O Son, at my helm,
Thee O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.
Guide me to heaven with my loins girt,
my lamp burning,
my ear open to Thy calls,
my heart full of love,
my soul free.

Give me Thy grace to sanctify me,
Thy comforts to cheer,
Thy wisdom to teach,
Thy right hand to guide,
Thy counsel to instruct,
Thy law to judge,
Thy presence to stabilize.
May Thy fear by my awe,
Thy triumphs my joy.