Sunday, January 16, 2011

Following Jesus

Well, the days are long, but good. Having three little ones will certainly drain your energy, emotionally and physically, but in a good way most days. On the marriage status we continue to sort through the mess and clear out the rubble. It is not easy and definitely calls for perseverance, prayer and Jesus. We have good days and hard days, but the days that are great are when my eyes stay focused on Jesus and not my circumstances. The steps towards real intimacy are a process we are about to delve into and much prayer will be needed as we both have wounds and hurts from the destructive marriage hamster wheel we've been running on for 9 + years. While it has slowed down, getting completely off is scary. At least it is comfortable and predictable, so to say. The other "unknown" is just plain scary, but hopeful.
The Bible verse that comes to mind is, "if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can say to this mountain be uprooted and planted in the sea and it will be.." not sure if that is the exact words but it's a children's song that plays over and over in the car and we all sing along. You get the point....
A year and a half ago I had that tiny mustard seed of faith that mountains could be moved and our lives and marriage could be changed. It was tiny and small and I could barely feel it, but I had it. I HAD to believe. For myself and especially for my children. God has proven Himself in many ways from that time and now my faith has grown to more the size of a grape. It is still there and bigger as I trust more and see His faithfulness to me in tangible ways, some days I struggle more than others to have it, but somewhere deep inside me I never have thrown it completely out. In doing this God has proven Himself faithful and in the darkest valley on my darkest day HE was there. In turn it has taught me to follow and constantly abide. Without Faith or Him on my side I am incapable of changing myself or hoping for change in my marriage. That has been part of my journey in truly following Jesus, not just saying I do or hoping to, but actually putting one front in front of the other and believing when the odds seem stacked against me. He is alive and He moves and performs miracles in ways I never thought I would experience this side of heaven, but it took tears, it took learning to become humble, it took falling down and losing everything of safety and comfort, but I can honestly say I would not change a thing. I know a Jesus I only longed to know for many years and that fact alone is amazing and prove His promises are still very, very true.

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