Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Well, God continues to mold me and teach me and what I think is right, He often shows me is wrong. Pre-recovery I had an attitude of "this is me, this is what I am doing, deal with it" and often disregarded others feelings. So, I am trying to live with a new behavior of what I say and do in regard to others feelings. BUT I lied. I lied to one of my best friends in efforts to not hurt her feelings. I thought I was doing the right thing in considering her feelings and not wanting to upset her. I told my children to not tell her children where we were going bc I didn't want anyone to have their feelings hurt that they weren't invited to a mutual friends house.
My husband, gently and graciously, after the fact pointed out how unhealthy that was and co-dependent. SO I had to face my fears and gently tell my friend what I had done. Even though my motive behind it was to not hurt her feelings and my intentions were good, my actions were blatantly wrong. She was gracious and in return forgave me.
I also had to do damage control with the children, apologize to them and ask for forgiveness. I am learning, it is slow, but what I should have done is just tell her that was where we were going in a gentle way, concerned for her feelings, but not owning her feelings or issues that she wasn't invited. (not that those are her feelings or issues, but in my head they were)
Anyways, it felt good to apologize and hopefully it didn't screw my kids thinking up too much. I have to constantly realize I am not God and I will fail them. Period. They will have their own "trauma eggs", hopefully not to traumatic, and have to sort out and deal with the things that as parents we didn't do right. And my prayer is God will mold them and make them, in and through and despite the mistakes we will make as parents.

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