Intimacy

This has been on my prayer list for several months. I am realizing how I fear it and if I feel like it is there in any relationship, I pull away. I am still working on why, the obvious is my childhood- a father who was present physically, but not emotionally and a mother who needed her children too much emotionally and ultra controlling. Then throw in a bad high school boyfriend, alcohol for years, and an unfaithful husband. I expected these issues with my husband, neither of us know what intimacy should or could look like with each other, but I am seeing it with my children. Oh, I cuddle, snuggle, talk, ect...but when I feel like they NEED me to connect, really connect with them, something unconsciously screams "fortify" and a wall slams down somewhere in my soul. With realizing it and prayer and others prayer, the intimacy with my children has gotten better. I am more quick to hear my "fortify" alarm and stay and fight through feelings that for me are uncomfortable at times.
Still haven't gotten as aware of when the urge to "fortify" ,myself with my husband bell goes off, but maybe because that is more a constant bell and harder to hear. I am protective and defensive A LOT, not that it is right, but that mode is built-in and how I have survived a lot of the heartache and pain of a broken marriage. I also am seeing with a clearer vision how the affairs and alcohol were just a band aid to a broken down marriage. It has always been broken, WE have always been broken and looking outside of Jesus to fill us up. The more I look at Jesus the clearer my reality becomes and the more I see the TRUTH of things about my marriage, rather than just the FACTS. We are ALL in recovery from our first parents, Adam and Eve, we all have used and tried to make ourselves feel better with stuff, religion, food, sex, vacations, ect...I am just a broken cistern living with another broken cistern in need of a Savior to fill us up and restore us.

Journaling.....

So tonight, I sat down to journal, something I am very new to, and something I don't do very often. I started writing my feelings on page 1, and it pretty much became a "poor me" log.... I became very sad, felt sorry for myself, texted a few people to tell them how sad I was, and started getting very depressed....but something tugged at my heart to continue.

So I turned the page over and began writing down what I remembered from a sermon tonight on how we are adopted. I just started putting every good point I could remember from that sermon.... what happened to my heart was beautiful. That pain and misery was lifted. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I became so very grateful for what was given to me, not what I didn't have. The pity became gratitude, and the tears were tears of joy.....

Lord, thank you for not letting me stop on page 1..... thank you.....thank you.....

C

I am so homesick....

Two days ago I was driving to meet with my sponsor and tears overtook me. I felt the overwhelming pain that I am not meant for this world and there will always be pain in this world. Not too long ago, maybe even days ago I think I felt like if only _____ would happen, then I would be happy. Tonight after just talking to my wife about my addiction and how gross it all is, I just feel helpless. I want to tell her the reason I did it was because of _____, but I have no answers. She is feeling as if it had something to do with her, she wasn't pretty enough, she wasn't good enough, something, but there is nothing further from the truth. That's what is so disgusting about being sick....

I can't explain it, and I hope one day my wife will feel as special as she is. That God will use me to lift her up, that He will soften her to one day actually hear me when I tell her she's beautiful, and she will believe it. That day may be way off, but doesn't mean I can't hope for it.....

In the mean time, I have tears. This is not our home... this is not how we were created. This is not a life in His image, but rather a life of brokenness, daily repentance for the wrongs I continue to do... and it's not going to stop any time soon....

Babe, I love you. I am sorry that I haven't written a post on this blog, I wanted to, but I let the world get the better of me. I let myself become so busy that I couldn't see how important this is. Life is very hard when you stop numbing the pain and start feeling it... I just hope one day, we can walk side by side together.... as God truly intended it to be...

C

Theme for the Day

"This is not a destination, it is a work in progress." How true that is, having lunch with my sponsor we were talking about this very thing. There is no such thing as spiritual perfection. We aim to be more like Christ, but our flesh fails us daily, but yet we keep striving. Where there is discord we pray for unity. Where there is hate we pray for love. Where there is despair we pray for hope. A year ago I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous an irritable, discontent, restless soul. Today I walked through those very same doors a happy, content, peaceful person. Recovery works if you are willing. When you are at the bottom of yourself and your efforts and are ready to do whatever it takes to walk the road to freedom then you are ready to take your first step. Surrender, what an easy word to get in theory, but hard to get in your soul. By God's grace I was there, I was like a sheep who was willing to follow as if my life depended on it. What a bittersweet time. Since that time I have gotten to the bottom of myself in other area's, how I treat people, my anger, my control, my sadness....it's a scary, but beautiful place to get too for then you are ready to take the first step, hand God the reins and let Him take control.
So as I continue along I pray for the grace of constant surrender. I pray to know and obey my Savior more because I truly love Him and he has rescued me from a death in which I could not save myself. He has taken a tormented soul and set her free. By no means do I live this perfectly, but I strive to daily. I am conscious of my failings and don't try to do better because there is no way I can, but with shaking hands and a discouraged heart I hand them over to Him and know and trust that His grace abounds more than I can begin to fathom. I am thankful for a Father who knows and loves me and before I can say "I am so sorry, I failed again" He whispers to me "I am so glad you came home." Recovery and sobriety have given me more than I ever hoped, I am being made into a new creation in every way and have fallen in love with my Lord who has always just been a "Savior" to me and no one, not even death can take that away. I look forward to the day I DO reach my destination and see His heavenly face. Until then I journey on the beaten path with those who encourage me along until that day.