Intimacy

This has been on my prayer list for several months. I am realizing how I fear it and if I feel like it is there in any relationship, I pull away. I am still working on why, the obvious is my childhood- a father who was present physically, but not emotionally and a mother who needed her children too much emotionally and ultra controlling. Then throw in a bad high school boyfriend, alcohol for years, and an unfaithful husband. I expected these issues with my husband, neither of us know what intimacy should or could look like with each other, but I am seeing it with my children. Oh, I cuddle, snuggle, talk, ect...but when I feel like they NEED me to connect, really connect with them, something unconsciously screams "fortify" and a wall slams down somewhere in my soul. With realizing it and prayer and others prayer, the intimacy with my children has gotten better. I am more quick to hear my "fortify" alarm and stay and fight through feelings that for me are uncomfortable at times.
Still haven't gotten as aware of when the urge to "fortify" ,myself with my husband bell goes off, but maybe because that is more a constant bell and harder to hear. I am protective and defensive A LOT, not that it is right, but that mode is built-in and how I have survived a lot of the heartache and pain of a broken marriage. I also am seeing with a clearer vision how the affairs and alcohol were just a band aid to a broken down marriage. It has always been broken, WE have always been broken and looking outside of Jesus to fill us up. The more I look at Jesus the clearer my reality becomes and the more I see the TRUTH of things about my marriage, rather than just the FACTS. We are ALL in recovery from our first parents, Adam and Eve, we all have used and tried to make ourselves feel better with stuff, religion, food, sex, vacations, ect...I am just a broken cistern living with another broken cistern in need of a Savior to fill us up and restore us.