Two days ago I was driving to meet with my sponsor and tears overtook me. I felt the overwhelming pain that I am not meant for this world and there will always be pain in this world. Not too long ago, maybe even days ago I think I felt like if only _____ would happen, then I would be happy. Tonight after just talking to my wife about my addiction and how gross it all is, I just feel helpless. I want to tell her the reason I did it was because of _____, but I have no answers. She is feeling as if it had something to do with her, she wasn't pretty enough, she wasn't good enough, something, but there is nothing further from the truth. That's what is so disgusting about being sick....
I can't explain it, and I hope one day my wife will feel as special as she is. That God will use me to lift her up, that He will soften her to one day actually hear me when I tell her she's beautiful, and she will believe it. That day may be way off, but doesn't mean I can't hope for it.....
In the mean time, I have tears. This is not our home... this is not how we were created. This is not a life in His image, but rather a life of brokenness, daily repentance for the wrongs I continue to do... and it's not going to stop any time soon....
Babe, I love you. I am sorry that I haven't written a post on this blog, I wanted to, but I let the world get the better of me. I let myself become so busy that I couldn't see how important this is. Life is very hard when you stop numbing the pain and start feeling it... I just hope one day, we can walk side by side together.... as God truly intended it to be...
C
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