I have a peace and joy that can not be explained besides it is all due to God and his redemption of broken dreams and a broken life. I am having more and more clarity about who I am as His child and the black sheep role I have played for all my life is slowly drifting away. I am starting to see myself and others in a much healthier way and being able to pinpoint issues in myself when people act in a certain way to me, has been so freeing. I don't have to jump into their "rabbit holes" nor go into my own. I can live in TRUTH, God's truth and accept that they may not be happy with what I am doing or how I react, but I can relate and react in ways that are healthy and what I know God calling me to do. That is freedom. I do have moments where I long to go back to the old way of acting because the new way can feel really uncomfortable, but God has called me to higher standards and the old ways always were dead ends any way.
God is moving and stirring. Each day is a new exciting day of His mercies and blessings. The worst day is better than the best day of my drinking days. I have ceased fighting everyone and everything, mostly myself. I see my flaws, but I also see redeeming qualities which I was so blind to in active addiction. The shame and guilt drove me to drink and put up my wall of defense and anger. I am able to have humble conversations with my husband, to tell him things that are intimate, and it still feels very awkward, but the more I practice the more I see things this way are so much better. It's amazing we can put our kids to bed together and sleep in the same bed, we sit on the porch together, tell knock knock jokes with the kids, have lots of laughs and lots of joy...He has turned the mourning into joy, He is restoring to us our family, still broken, but on the mend and it all is because of Him and truly a miracle.
I read this on a blog, "The truth will set you free, but it will kill you first" (or almost kill you). Life a year ago was a hard, the truth of my alcoholism and then infidelity almost unbearable, but I had an ounce of hope even in the darkest hours. Today I can actually see the reason for it all. What Satan meant to destroy me with, has been the means of my deliverance. This is not just a "churchy statement" but something I know to be true to the core of my soul. I have walked the valley, climbed the mountain and now I stand with the sun beaming down, the wind whipping my hair, and God whispering "My grace is sufficient for you."