Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A New Role....

First and foremost let me say I love my mother. God has redeemed our relationship and renewed it in many ways. With that being said I am now able to have hard, honest conversations with her and speak truth with love and grace. Something I had never been able to do in the past. I would try to be speak truth, but it would always come out in anger and shame which shuts people down.

She recently went on a trip to see old friends in a city we lived in when I was a child. We often went back and visited our old church and I know they heard horror stories of my disobedience and rebellion through-out the years. My mom told me that this trip she told people that my marriage had gone through a really rough time, we went to counseling and were doing much better. Thankfully she didn't give details, from what I know, but still once again I was the focus and even though it was redemptive, I do not know these people and frankly all they have ever heard are my struggles. At first I was reactive. I got upset that she even said that, but then I was to able to sort through the reason of why it bothered me so.

I was able to see that once again I was the scapegoat. Why would she tell them about my brokenness and not her own? That her and my father had been to counseling as well? That they had a hard marriage at times? It has been far easier for her and my family to speak of my brokenness through-out the years because mine has been outward. On display for all to see. I own these sins and blame no one but myself for the choices I choose to make. There were things that went on behind closed doors in my house which were by no means horrific, but there was dysfunction. There were things that made my sister, the performer, act out inwardly, but no one would ever talk about that.

I have always accepted this is the consequence of my sin, and I guess that is partly true, but I am sick of playing the part of the broken one in my family. Stepping into light, becoming a new creation and having old thought patterns about myself swept away has not been easy for my family. Speaking truth in love about their own brokenness has been hard, but good for me. No longer do I accept things that just aren't the truth. Am I, was I broken? Absolutely. Are they, were they broken? Absolutely. That is all I wanted her to be able to see and admit. Denial is not a fun place and thankfully God walked me through a sin that could not be denied any longer at the end. That is why you hear some say in AA rooms, "Thank God I am an alcoholic".

So, through this conversation my mom did cry, she did apologize and I think maybe she understood. My boundary for her was to please discuss her own brokenness, her own story of redemption and not mine to people I don't know and who don't know me. It was a good, but hard conversation for me to have and I wanted to call and take it all back the next day bc in reality I have lived as the broken one so long it feels easier sometimes to just assume that role. I know, though the words that were hard to speak, they were the truth and maybe God will use it to shed light to her in her own walk with Him. I am grateful and thankful to feel redeemed and made new through Jesus, to have old thought patterns broken and to live joyous and free.

No comments:

Post a Comment