I need some, but instead I write. The days are long, but the years are short, right?! I am tired and worn slap-out. I have been sick, took antibiotics to make me feel better and it felt like poison pumping through my veins. Thankfully, the Dr. took me off and I now await a hopeful chance to see another Dr. this week. Physical health affects my mental health and throw in 3 kiddo's and a couple of addicts and you get completely overwhelmed and rundown, not to mention down right crazy. Thankfully, my MORE that I want today is Jesus and I keep, moment by moment, turning to Him, although I don't feel instant sanity...I want what C.S. Lewis says about humility "a blessed self-forgetfulness".
I long for heaven, for something that nothing here on earth can satisfy. I long to meet my Savior face to face and have my sorrows hurled to the sea, forever lost and forgotten. My "Savior" used to be alcohol and truth be told it did relieve some of the mounting pressure, it made my troubles, at the time, not seem overwhelming and depending on how much I had, I could truly escape into oblivion. This is how I got to hell on earth. The thing that helped take off the burden of life became my own pit of destruction, a hell I could not escape, and the worst part about it all.....it stopped working. The MORE and MORE I consumed the pain didn't end, it increased. Thus I came to my beautiful undoing- to grasping nothing here that promises a release will in the end quench my ever thirsty, dying soul. That can only be found at the foot of the cross. I often picture myself worn down and weary, crawling, begging for relief at the cross. It comes, but it comes slowly and through perseverance and faith... I know there is another side. There is true relief that comes from a power not of my own. My sister reminds me the Psalmist says in the 23rd Psalm, "when we walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death"...not TO the valley. He only gives us what we can bear. I remind myself of this through-out the day.
With all that being said, my marriage is an 8 out of 10, which is good. I do have glimpses of hope for a life that feels futile to the core, many times through-out the day. But for now it feels awful futile... I know I am not alone. I probably feel it heavier than most, but it only makes me turn to Jesus more. People in my life whom I dearly love are feeling the weight and sorrow of sin...I should not complain. One friends husband announced, after 20+ years of marriage, two children and a string of serial affairs he wants a divorce, another with two small children and health problems watched her husband check himself into Bradford, hoping and praying this time it works, another friend's husband lost his job AGAIN (the economy) and baby #3 is on the way, our car is broken down- a new transmission is needed, I ran over a cat tonight who ran away and I could not find...and I could go on.
So now what...well, I keep persevering. I pray, I take a day at a time, a moment at a time, I pray for others, I spend time with those hurting and my mentors as well, I read my Bible, I tell God my exact needs, I hug my children and pray for Joy. I know if I have faith as small as a mustard seed that I will begin to see things through my lenses of joy. Through lenses of hope. I am just in my Valley right now, walking through, weary and weak, but not alone and there lies my hope.... A God who created the universe, hung the sun and moon and sent this planet in motion is a God who will never leave me. A God who has hope for me. A God who can handle my complaints and hardened heart. A God who cares for the cat I hit, the women who is hurting and alone, and the women who is tucking her little ones into bed by herself hanging onto the smallest glimmer of hope their daddy will come home better, for all their sakes, a God who knows the angst I feel in my soul and who whispers "it's okay". And that is the MORE I was longing for all my life, the MORE I thought alcohol could give me, my friends could give me, a husband could give, but was always let down. A God who is out of this world, who can handle me, Who doesn't give me instant satisfaction at times, but tells me and has shown me His promises are true. A God I can trust to control my life and circumstances far better than I ever could. A God who sent His one and only Son, so that we might live. I can't wait for heaven and today my prayer is Jesus, come. Come quickly.