Thursday, December 2, 2010

A new kind of me and a new hope

Well... it's 10:33PM and I am at an office all alone. Amazing the difference a year will make. A few years ago I would have wasted so much time looking at pornography, but tonight is different. I am not going to say that it couldn't happen, I am not a fool, but it has not been on my mind at all. I know it's hard for anyone to believe me, why should they? But if anyone does, I hope it gives you hope. I really have zero desire to search for it, nothing short of amazing. I want to be honest and say that if it popped up or was on a page I went to, I would still be tempted....remember, this is the thorn in my flesh, the messenger from Satan to keep me from being conceited....but, my desire is different these days.

I want to be at home with my family. I want to be a better husband for my wife. I want to know how to woo her. To pursue her. To give her everything I can and everything she deserves...... I want to HONOR Things are so different than they used to be....

I will say life is very sad for me right now. I still haven't talked to my family in over a year. I do have a father who I have been able to make amends to, but so much to recover from all those lost years. I am feeling pain more than I ever have.....It's only natural to think that I was feeling pain before when I was "acting out" and think that is why I am having pain now, but the truth is, an addict doesn't like to feel pain, and as soon as they do, they medicate, or "act out" to try to numb the pain....only for the pain to return. I want to mourn. I want to feel the pain and HEAL from it. Then I can be the man I want to be, the husband she deserves, the father I never had.....and then I can be a new kind of me.....and that gives me a new hope....


pls pray God will teach me how to pursue my wife.... I am crazy about her and want to show her how much she means to me....because right now, I'm not doing so good at it.

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