Jesus Speaks

So this morning we had a 2.5 hour counseling session, our once a week time, with our counselors Suzanne and Paul Talley. On the way there me and the mister were discussing when I feel God talking to me, and lately it is often. A side note is that on Tuesday we had talked about the mister taking a silent retreat to learn to hear God's voice and to talk to God. Brennan Manning, the author of many books, talks about this in the Ragamuffin Gospel. A time you get away and seek to hear from and speak to God without any interruptions or distractions. A place of solitude.
I was sharing about how lately I really do hear God's voice very often, an experience in which "the mister" said he hadn't experienced. Paul pointed out it was bc I listen and it takes trusting yourself and knowing God's voice. Not sure how I have arrived at this, for sure the days of darkness and desperation, but I do know God speaks to me in intimate ways through-out the day. So, that is the latest topic in our household and I pray I remember the days I feel God speak and move, bc there sure are times I feel He is silent. I want to always be in tune with Him and His voice. I can't imagine life without the times I have heard him whispering and sometimes shouting peace and calmness amongst the trials of life.
Here is a Monastery in Georgia that does private retreats. I hope the mister can go and that at some point I can too. It looks beautiful!
http://www.trappist.net/PrivateRetreats

Merry Christmas

As the snow continues to fall here I am reminded of God's graciousness and love for sinners like me. It is beautiful and refreshing and reminds me His mercies are new every morning. It is a gift to have little snowflakes falling on Christmas. A rare experience you get in the south on Christmas day. Christmas for me this year was so joyful in celebrating the birth of our Savior. A tiny babe who was sent to this earth not with trumpets sounding, people celebrating or a big welcome party, but on a dark, dark night in a manger, surrounded by smelly animals with a mother and father who were barely teenagers. A blog I read quoted 1 Corinthians 1:27 "God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." Enough said.
Praise God for Jesus and our family! What a miracle it is that we can celebrate all together as a family and that we have Jesus slowly rebuilding our lives. Our children are benefiting from His work in our marriage. We are together as a couple and therefore together as a family. Although, it is not perfect and there is still disappointment and sadness that lingers, there is a hope. A hope that was given by the little babe born many years ago. Talking to my sponsor the other day she was talking about when she abides in Him, His love is perfected in her. I have no need to fear or to be angry, I can abide trusting He is moving and working and in control. Abiding constantly is hard, but when I do I know it. When I fail to abide I feel it, emotionally and physically.
I pray I may be mindful of that tiny babe -constantly- who came to give me life to the fullest. My husband, my children, my friends can not fill the void, only He can fill it and by abiding in Him I quit searching for something to feel that. I love seeing my children excited, hearing their screams of delight, seeing their innocent faces, having engaging conversations and fun times with my husband, but ultimately these are gifts I am able to receive, grateful for, but they aren't where the joy of my soul comes from. That comes only from my Lord and Savior and the rest are extras. I am thankful for Christmas as a reminded of the greatest gift fallen humanity could ever receive. It is mind boggling to think about and grasp! So thankful God is not silent anymore and that he lives and breathes true life, joy and contentment into the very depths of my soul. I pray everyone may experience such a spiritual awakening and have a "second journey" in their life, whatever that may bring.

The bottom or the top?

I had an amazing Christmas brunch with some old friends who have impacted me through-out the years. We got on the subject of blogging and how each felt like their lives weren't interesting enough to blog. I encouraged them to do it for themselves. Whether people read this or not it is therapy for me and my soul and I know that most people would consider this blog boring or maybe inspiring, but either way it doesn't matter. I enjoy it and it is good for me to look back and to be able to see growth.
After they left one friend emailed me blogs she read and how she felt like a failure and hers would not compare. I feel like God has taught me so much through recovery and I was able to share my thoughts in return.... When we place ourselves on the top of the heap or the bottom, both are egotistical. The latter is just pride in reverse. Neither are the Gospel. I have lived in both of these realms. The bottom for sure always felt the most comfortable. Through kind friends, mentors and counselors over the years I have really been able to grasp I am a little of both--a saint and a jackass. When we put ourselves down we are not grasping the gospel, when we build ourselves up we are not grasping the Gospel. Any good we do comes straight from God and the bad in all of us are because we were born into a fallen world with sin in our hearts that only Jesus can save us from. We ALL have it, whether your an addict or not.
The Bible doesn't have a lot to say about people who had white picket fences and had their life "together", if anything he slams those people (Pharisee's) far more harder than the people who don't have it together. David had an affair and murdered a man, yet was called a man after God's own heart. Peter denied Jesus three times, and all the others who constantly failed. I am grateful today to grasp the Gospel in a tangible way and no longer live on the bottom which is clear to me was extremely prideful in a different way.
Thank you for Jesus. The rescue for sinners. The ransom from heaven. Jesus Messiah. Lord of ALL!!!

Living the Gospel

What does this mean? A friend and I discussed it just yesterday. What does this look like in my life? We talk a lot about it and get it in theory, but having the conversation we had about it brought about a realization that I haven't been doing it so well lately. I love Jesus, but I also love myself, my time, my schedule and get pretty belligerent when things don't go the way I think they should.
Living the Gospel well is looking at Jesus and seeing He sought after your wretched soul over and over only to be betrayed and hurt. There are consequences to our sin and bad choices, but being repentant and going back to seeking Him and living for Him, He is always there and always has been there. It means forgiving, it means choosing to love and engage my children and my husband when I don't want too. It means showing up and thinking how would Jesus love this person in this circumstance. It means acting kindly despite how we are treated, but also respecting and loving ourselves enough to put up healthy boundaries. It's not a checklist and you can't make yourself live out the gospel well, but God can through you. God can give you a gracious spirit, a loving and humble heart, but we must ask and seek Him.
I want to be a gospel driven women. To be rid of selfishness and pride, and it is hard. I am just grateful for His grace in the times I fail. And they are often. I want to be reminded daily, this life is not for me and when I make it about me I become miserable, quickly. I pray for His grace as I still grieve, hurt, and feel pain,disappointment and wrestle with fear. This too is all a process, may I go through it and grow graciously!

Today.

For today I am praying for wisdom, strength and courage. To know which way to aim my sails when I am catching no wind and to continue on with the courage to change. Today, I am saying the serenity prayer for a multitude of reasons and my heart is heavy with grief and sorrow on many levels that I won't share here. I am healing, I am acting in new ways and I am trusting God to grow me and continue to show me His way and His direction. Old behaviors have arisen and I have replaced them with new behaviors. I am listening more and thinking less. I am trusting more and feeling my strength grow. I am hoping more for myself, wanting more for myself and respecting myself which is a new concept to me.
I know no matter what storms may blow, and they will come, Jesus is with me. He is molding and making me and knows exactly what I need, when I need it and what I can bear with out breaking.I pray I leave a legacy like Elizabeth Edwards has left her children. A mother who they have watched respect herself. A mother who has been faced with many hard choices to make and has made them with grace and courage. A mother who was gracious and loving and has sought to hold her head high with dignity even though her husband chose trash over a great treasure. A mother I am sure her little ones adored and will greatly miss. I hope she is in heaven dancing on the streets of gold with the One who was faithful to her to the end.


"I do know that when [my children are] older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm…and when the wind did not blow her way – and it surely has not – she adjusted her sails.”– Elizabeth Edwards

A new kind of me and a new hope

Well... it's 10:33PM and I am at an office all alone. Amazing the difference a year will make. A few years ago I would have wasted so much time looking at pornography, but tonight is different. I am not going to say that it couldn't happen, I am not a fool, but it has not been on my mind at all. I know it's hard for anyone to believe me, why should they? But if anyone does, I hope it gives you hope. I really have zero desire to search for it, nothing short of amazing. I want to be honest and say that if it popped up or was on a page I went to, I would still be tempted....remember, this is the thorn in my flesh, the messenger from Satan to keep me from being conceited....but, my desire is different these days.

I want to be at home with my family. I want to be a better husband for my wife. I want to know how to woo her. To pursue her. To give her everything I can and everything she deserves...... I want to HONOR her.....wow. Things are so different than they used to be....

I will say life is very sad for me right now. I still haven't talked to my family in over a year. I do have a father who I have been able to make amends to, but so much to recover from all those lost years. I am feeling pain more than I ever have.....It's only natural to think that I was feeling pain before when I was "acting out" and think that is why I am having pain now, but the truth is, an addict doesn't like to feel pain, and as soon as they do, they medicate, or "act out" to try to numb the pain....only for the pain to return. I want to mourn. I want to feel the pain and HEAL from it. Then I can be the man I want to be, the husband she deserves, the father I never had.....and then I can be a new kind of me.....and that gives me a new hope....

-C

pls pray God will teach me how to pursue my wife.... I am crazy about her and want to show her how much she means to me....because right now, I'm not doing so good at it.

Thankfulness

Good morning and Happy Thanksgiving. God is so gracious and His mercies are new every morning. I am so thankful for my sweet little ones that run around my feet, give great bear hugs, tell me how thankful they are for the Bible and The Gospel, God and Jesus, keep me laughing and keep me striving to seek out and love the Lord and teach them everyday about our Savior who loves them beyond their imagination. I pray He will use each of them intentionally for His kingdom as they grow. They already teach me more about having childlike faith and minister to me daily.
I am thankful for my marriage. I am thankful that we can raise our children together and we aren't separate this Thanksgiving and our children aren't being shuttled around between the two of us. I am thankful for a year of sorrow and pain that has led us to growth and freedom in our marriage. For a husband who shows up and expresses his disappointments, fears, hopes and dreams to me and that I am sober today to listen and engage him. I love him. I really do. We have walked through the fiery furnace and we have both paid consequences in huge ways for our sins, but ultimately we can say "God is good" and He knows how much we can bear. His mercy NEVER ends and his steadfast love endures through out the ages even to ragamuffins like us. We only have today, this moment, and we can only be grateful for another day of sobriety! And that we both are.
A little update on our marriage recovery....We are now walking with a couple, Suzanne and Paul Tally (www.christianmarriagesincrisis.com) who we meet with 3 hours a week and talk to everyday. They believe that your own recovery is important, but so is your recovery TOGETHER as a couple. When two are joined together in marriage Christ ultimately sees you as ONE flesh, so it is important to come together and work recovery together for your marriage. It has been amazing and we have already seen so many truths and revelations about each other and ourselves. As I have stated before the quote I love, "He has made us fruitful in the land of our affliction." His promises are true and He is restoring and redeeming. To not cherry coat it and make it all sound wonderful, the honest truth is that it is hard and painful. It is healing though. We are rebuilding our marriage from the foundation up. The old is gone and the new is coming. Some days are better than others, some days I have peace and some days I have angst in my soul I can't shake, but I have faith on the those days that God is moving, working and restoring. We would not be here without Him. God is all, or He is nothing. Today I can cling to He is ALL...Praise be His name!
Side note...to rid myself of self-pity, angst, chaos, whenever I am just plain hurting, making a gratitude list on paper always helps show me see His love and faithfulness for me. Today I am grateful and know the story of my life is mapped out. I can trust and rest in the fact He knows me and loves me and seeks me out to console and help me to rest in the shadow of His wings!

9 Years....

It's easy to get excited about all the anniversaries we have in our life and celebrate. We both have been sober for a year and that 1 year anniversary was cherished. Our sobriety was something we both had wanted for so long and yet felt it was impossible. But then we both stood in front of fellow broken sinners and picked up our celebration chips and people celebrated with us, congratulated us, love us, and supported us.....Our two boys are about to have birthdays and we are trying to plan a party to celebrate their lives... to let them know they are special to us and we are grateful for them.

But how does OUR anniversary get so overlooked? How does the anniversary of the day we took our vows 9 years ago now, become just another day? I don't want my marriage to be just another day..... I want to celebrate that my wife stood by me when no one else would. When she had every reason to run, she stood by me...talk about celebration. What person could have endured the past 9 years with someone like me, after I have done what I have done? She should be celebrated, and anyone reading this should celebrate with me the fact that she decided to do what God said do and not what man said. And she decided to fight for her children, and not leave them with a broken home. She's anything but a black sheep, she's a hero! I hope tomorrow I can make her feel celebrated!

I look at how Paul was treated, and how he was stoned, thrown in to prison, and beaten multiple times, and he never stopped singing praises. For anyone who has walked with Suzanne over the past year, you have seen joy, contentment, and her singing praises.... still not sure how.

So what now? I really don't know... but I do know how wonderful it feels to be honest with my wife. To be exposed and loved despite it. (A small taste of the love Christ shows us every day) And to be 100% on her team. Fighting with her, and for her as best as I can. I don't know how she survived the past 9 years with me, but I I have real hope for a better next 9 years, and many more to follow.

I don't deserve it, I don't know how I got it, but there are no other words to describe it other than Amazing Grace (this song was sung at our wedding, how ironic)

Happy Anniversary!
C

Encouragement

My sponsor and leader of step study wrote this for me. As our step study ended every women wrote affirmations for each other and I hate I missed the last meeting where it was all shared. This is what my sponsor wrote to me and it meant so much.(side note, I got into step study bc of alcoholism and my marriage blew up two months into step study)

"My friend, no one could have imagined what God was going to require of you in this past year. I think in His infinite wisdom, He decided to yank off your old self like a band aid, the pain very intense but exposing the wound to air and light so that healing could begin. You faced the pain, sometimes kicking and screaming and sometimes with trust, but you never backed away from it. I have watched as you took off the dirty clothes that either others have put on you or you had put on yourself and replaced them with His righteousness. Slowly learning to accept yourself the way He sees you and loving others beyond capacity...."

I love this women for so many different reasons. She has challenged me in ways no one else could have and with such grace and wisdom. Many times I left angry at the Truth she was speaking and wondering if I could really walk through this and continue on. Her love and never backing down when I was really, really angry at times has in turn given me up most respect for her. God knew I needed her to hold my hand, love on me, and show me when I was wrong! Again a testament to His grace and faithfulness.

In a rut

So I have been in a rut the past two weeks. Writing about it is therapeutic to me so here we go... I have lived in angst and have been down right crazy. Old behavior and thought patterns popping up everywhere, TONS of self-pity and laziness. It has been very discouraging to feel and watch yourself spiral downward. After two weeks of living in this manner, I decided to dive back into heavy recovery.
I went to a meeting last night for 30 minutes, it was all the time I had, but while there a peace pulsed through me which I hadn't been able to find in a while. Today I went to a Jafi meeting, one downtown, and let me just tell you I thought I might have a panic attack, almost left until the meeting started and people started sharing. Jafi is a very diverse meeting. For one hour the mighty descend and the lowly rise. People coming from their 6 figure jobs in three piece suits and sitting next to those who are next to homeless with no teeth and laughing and joking. It is a holy place, it grieves my heart deeply that I don't experience this kind of atmosphere in church, no doubt in my mind this is what heaven will be. For one hour people spill their guts and the man in the three piece suit and the man with no teeth have something in common. They have come to a broken place, a shattered life that most are slowly trying to rebuild. There is no pride, no judgement, nothing but people sharing over and over the miracles they have experienced through sobriety. There are ex-cons there, people diagnosed with HIV, people who have lost everything and moms like me who haven't lost a material thing, but their self. It is truly amazing. For one hour I get out of myself and connect to people in ways I can't explain. At the end we all hold hands and say the Lord's prayer, and that alone brings tears to my eyes almost every time.
It is a gift. A gift from God to be able to go and experience a roomful of miracles that share a common purpose and hope. Do I want to drink again? No, but if I stopped going to meetings and experienced the angst like I have the past two weeks I am pretty sure I would choose to drink again, if anything to escape myself. It is a relief and like medicine for the soul. When I am willing and open to go to these meetings and seek God's will and help for my life he blesses me in ways I cannot begin to explain. Tonight I am joyful, productive, and enjoying my family and I could not have said that at 5 pm. That, my friend, proves God's faithfulness and grace and something I could not have done on my own.

Some thoughts...

The past year God has blessed us with a handful of couples to walk beside us in the journey of healing and walking towards Jesus. They are our small group. From letters to gifts, to phone calls, cakes and flowers, and most importantly prayer and encouragement they have preached the gospel to us as individuals and a couple. They are such a blessing and testament to living out the gospel in allowing us to hurt, cry, laugh, live authentically and always, always encouraging us to follow Him.
We have started a new book this season called "Intimate Allies" by Dan Allender and so far it is great. We are only in the first couple of chapters, but our discussion the other night was on disappointment in your spouse and living in hope. Living in disappointment is wrong and idolizing your spouse is wrong. Neither are living out of the gospel. Lately, I have been dealing with this and God has been showing me new things daily. There is no doubt this book has come at such a time like this.

I have started realizing my thoughts in degrading my husband in my mind, shaming him to myself and this becomes my reality in which I act out of. In acknowledging this several weeks ago, I begin to realize actually how often I did it and how I was living in disappointment, acknowledging it is healthy, staying in that place isn't. God revealed to me that I needed to pray for whatever I was disappointed or angry in. For example... wisdom. I wish he would make wiser decisions for us as a family, so I begin to pray the Lord would give him wisdom. After talking to my sponsor today she recommended taking it a step further and asking God to give me spiritual eyes in seeing where he has progressed and where he had made wise choices. Immediately I was able to rattle off some things that came to mind, where before my vision had become so blurred with what he wasn't doing that had become my reality and I had actually missed some of the wise choices he had made.

P.S. As I was finishing this my husband came in (not knowing what I was typing) and prayed with me and it.was.beautiful. and a very wise prayer. The verse while he was praying that came to mind was "Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you..."I feel like that is happening all around me...everyday.

Brennan Manning

He is a recovered alcoholic and a gifted writer. I keep "Abba's Child" by my bathtub and pick it up and reread it over and over. I could quote the whole book, I won't, but if you don't have a copy--buy one!! Reading this, I felt like he was telling my story.

He talks about the life he led before his encounter with Christ in the previous paragraph...
"Suddenly Jesus appeared out of nowhere, and life began anew. From being a nobody who cared about nothing but my own comfort, I became somebody, a beloved disciple, who cared about people and things. His word became "a light unto my path" Ps 119:105. I found a sense of direction and purpose, a reason for bounding out of bed in the morning. Jesus was my Rabbi, my Teacher. With infinite patience He illuminated the meaning of life and refreshed the weariness of my defeated days. I cannot and will not forget the great Rabbi who led me out of darkness into daylight. He is not a refuge from reality but the Way into its depths."

and more..
"The promised peace that the world cannot give is located in being in right relationship with God. Self-acceptance becomes possible only through the radical trust in Jesus' acceptance of me as I am. Befriending the imposter and the pharisee within marks the beginning of reconciliation with myself and the end of spiritual schizophrenia."

That is how I feel "bounding out of bed"...now that is a miracle that is only done through Jesus.

And one more because THIS has been my day.
"A hard day, yes. Rattled and unglued, yes. Unable to cope, no.
How does the life-giving spirit manifest Himself on days like that? In our willingness to stand fast, our REFUSAL to run away and escape into self-destructive behavior. Resurrection power enables us to engage in the savage confrontation with untamed emotions, to accept the pain, receive it, take it on board, however acute it may be. And in the process we discover we are not alone, that we can stand fast in the awareness of the present risenness and so become fuller, deeper, richer disciples. We know ourselves to be more than we previously imagined. In the process we not only endure but are forced to expand the boundaries of who we think we really are."

AMEN!

A New Season

Well, things on the homefront are calm and peaceful. We are having to live by faith with the hubby's new job and are short by $500 each month. It is scary, but God is faithful and we take it a day at a time. I am teaching preschool 3 days a week to cover the oldest's school tuition and I am in the car 1.5 hours just one way each day. We are broke, I am a taxi, but I have unexplainable Joy! No other explanation than it is Jesus holding and lifting me up. I am just so glad to be sober during this time. I can't imagine waking up red-faced with a headache and barely making it, I couldn't have done it. Praise Jesus I am sober.
The house is about to go up for sale, again. We don't know where God is leading us or if it will sale, we pray it does so we can regroup financially. No "place" in our town seems to be "the place" to live. We are praying God will make it clear. Maybe it's not even in this city anymore. We just want to be faithful and do His will. Trying to figure that out is not easy nor clear right now, so like everything else we are taking it a day at a time. Who knows where we will wind up!!
One thing, it is a NEW SEASON for our family. I feel like the ounce of hope I had in the darkest days is now bursting forth with light and I have learned what to have faith really means. God has taught me so much and I couldn't imagine life any other way. We have and are learning to communicate in new ways and have those hard, awkward conversations, but they always bring about good when we press on and press through them. Again, none of this could be done without willing hearts- which is grace itself- and God's graciousness. We are blessed and thankful!!

Peace and God whispering

I have a peace and joy that can not be explained besides it is all due to God and his redemption of broken dreams and a broken life. I am having more and more clarity about who I am as His child and the black sheep role I have played for all my life is slowly drifting away. I am starting to see myself and others in a much healthier way and being able to pinpoint issues in myself when people act in a certain way to me, has been so freeing. I don't have to jump into their "rabbit holes" nor go into my own. I can live in TRUTH, God's truth and accept that they may not be happy with what I am doing or how I react, but I can relate and react in ways that are healthy and what I know God calling me to do. That is freedom. I do have moments where I long to go back to the old way of acting because the new way can feel really uncomfortable, but God has called me to higher standards and the old ways always were dead ends any way.
God is moving and stirring. Each day is a new exciting day of His mercies and blessings. The worst day is better than the best day of my drinking days. I have ceased fighting everyone and everything, mostly myself. I see my flaws, but I also see redeeming qualities which I was so blind to in active addiction. The shame and guilt drove me to drink and put up my wall of defense and anger. I am able to have humble conversations with my husband, to tell him things that are intimate, and it still feels very awkward, but the more I practice the more I see things this way are so much better. It's amazing we can put our kids to bed together and sleep in the same bed, we sit on the porch together, tell knock knock jokes with the kids, have lots of laughs and lots of joy...He has turned the mourning into joy, He is restoring to us our family, still broken, but on the mend and it all is because of Him and truly a miracle.
I read this on a blog, "The truth will set you free, but it will kill you first" (or almost kill you). Life a year ago was a hard, the truth of my alcoholism and then infidelity almost unbearable, but I had an ounce of hope even in the darkest hours. Today I can actually see the reason for it all. What Satan meant to destroy me with, has been the means of my deliverance. This is not just a "churchy statement" but something I know to be true to the core of my soul. I have walked the valley, climbed the mountain and now I stand with the sun beaming down, the wind whipping my hair, and God whispering "My grace is sufficient for you."

Under Attack

I was reading tonight "Walking with God" by Elderidge and I seriously think I had a spiritual warfare affect my sleep. I fell asleep on the couch already a little freaked out by a thug I saw walking with a backpack down my sidewalk, I actually saw him twice. I usually do not notice nor get freaked out by diverse people who walk around at all hours in my neighborhood, but for some reason I did by this guy. I actually fell asleep staring at the alarm system we have and it's lights thinking we should get it hooked back up so it actually calls the police when it goes off, not just the screaming alarm. So, I had already bought into fear that was planted earlier on in the day by the enemy.
This is not the first time I have had this experience, "dream", whatever it may be. The first time was back in November, I just found out everything about the affairs and was exhausted. My husband was gone and the kids went to bed super early. Earlier, I had almost decided the pain was to unbearable and I grabbed the keys with plan to get alcohol. God intervened and by His grace I didn't. He used my precious 4 year old's voice saying "mommy, I don't know where my shoes are" and I dropped my keys and came back to my senses. Thank you Jesus! After that I had my most vivid, what felt like a hallucination. I am asleep, but think I'm awake. I dreamt I was climbing a mountain and their were demons that had diamonds for eye's and they would dangle me off the cliff, not let me go, but torture me hanging. I kept trying, or thought so to wake up, but couldn't- and that is the worst part of these dreams.
Tonight, I was fearing the thug who was roaming my streets and was fighting that thought and trusting God to protect. So, I knew with me going to bed my dreams were probably NOT going to be peaceful. I had one of my dreams, let's call them attacks because that is what it feels like. I had an attack...I dreamt this guy was at the door, at the window, didn't actually SEE it in the attack, but heard him trying to get in. I would try to wake up, then think I was awake....while it's happening it is an insane feeling like I can feel my mind swirling/floating, like drug induced or something. This all sounds silly and it's hard to explain, but real. I finally fought to wake up, I felt as though I had tried several times, but was sucked back into it all.
Just wanted to journal about it.
I am putting on the arm of God and will guard against Satan's fiery arrows. I will remember Jesus is my protector and conquerer, there is nothing He can't handle. Help my unbelief dear Jesus.
Anyone who is up for a prayer service over the rooms and my house. Please come and let's pray.

Another note, be in prayer for my sister's niece and nephew, they lost their dad yesterday and my bro-in-laws sister, their mommy, died after being diagnosed with cancer with in 3 mths abt 2 years ago. The children ages are high school and the other college age.
Come quickly Lord Jesus. Come.

Wide Awake

Well, it's 3:48 AM and once again I can't sleep. I have been thinking about a lot of things. I finished, for the second time, a Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. It needs to be read, at times with a dictionary, and once you press through the first part of the book, you fall in love with the characters and the quotes are amazing. I have spent a lot of time with God in prayer, scripture and books lately. I am really feeling centered in Him and joyful with abounding peace.
I am praying for contentment in those I love and who are close to me. There is nothing greater than abounding joy and a peace that passes all understanding in the midst of a life that is hard.
This world is not our home.
That is one thing, through-out today, you can't forget. Having an earthly view makes everything jaded. Acting as if and living as if "this is it" sets you up for inevitiable heartache. Also, see how many negative thoughts and things you say and see if they go back to where your hope is, this world or heaven, who and what are you living for? It is NOT about behavior modification, some people do that well, but it is a heart change that seeps down to your soul and comes out in how you think, behave and live...when people are watching and when they are not.

The Road to Recovery and our children

Well, I can't sleep, been up since 4 and it's because I am so happy and excited about my life. I have joy and peace and the Lord woo's me in the darkness before anyone wakes up to spend time with him before the chaos of my day ensues. This morning it was specifically on how I have gotten here. How I awake in the middle of the night now bursting with joy rather than pain. Oh my, it is glorious. The 12 steps have been key in my recovery, they have set the captive free, free from addiction, free from self, and free to love others for who they are and where they are.
In praying and listening this morning and contemplating my life and how I never had peace for 33 years, I am convicted that I want my children to know these steps from an early age. We are ALL in recovery from the fall, whether you like to admit your an addict or not, you are. We all medicate in trying to make it in this world and we all want to feel better and each have something we turn to, other than God.
Not sure what this looks like for my children, but they are gospel based and I want to have a recovery based home. To teach them the tools in coping in life. From Celebrate Recovery, here are 8 principles to live by, all with scripture backing them up. So that when they are faced with sin and living in a world that is not our home they will be equipped with special tools that rarely are taught so simply. See comments for the 8 principles based on the Beatitudes, it wouldn't paste into the blog....

Was the Prodical Son an Addict?

I remember a sermon David preached about Song of Solomon and he was talking about how God intended sex to be so wonderful in the context of marriage. But what he also said was that if we settle for anything other than that, we are settling for trash instead of the treasure that he has for us. Yes, it really is 3:30 in the morning, but I was lying in bed thinking about this because my wife keeps asking me how could I, what was I thinking, and I began thinking about the Prodical Son and how he ended up eating with the pigs.

"and there he squandered his inheritance in reckless living.... and he began to starve..... The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything." Luke 15:13-16

Reckless living (Addiction) .. and he began to starve, because it will never fill us, but yet we keep going back to it (Insanity) ... the man became so hungry, desparate, that even the pig food looked good to him. His vision was so blurred by his hunger that the slop looked good (he was settling for pig food).... But no one gave him anything, none of it satisfied him and he became broken to the point of true repentance....

"When he finally came to his senses he said....I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant. " Luke 15:17-19

He finally came to his senses and he asked his Father to forgive him, that he wasn't worthy to be his son anymore. My first instinct is to look to my earthy father and I see that I have never felt this way, but when I look to my Heavenly father, I see myself being broken hearted at what I have done to Him. For once, I feel repentance (to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better)... it detests me now. I can't explain why, or how I did what I did, but I can tell you that now it makes me sick.

The most beautiful part is the end of the story of this son. As one commentary puts it, his father didn't even let him give his speach he had prepared. Have you ever tasted that kind of love? Someone loving you despite what you have done to hurt them. I tasted that Saturday morning as we sat through a porn presentation and I sat with my wife and wondered how she could be sitting with me after what I have done to her.... yes, I have tasted that love and I am grateful. More importantly, I have read the Word, and I have tasted that love even greater...

I don't have any answers to why and I can't make anyone understand how I could do what I have done. But there are moments when I can rest in the loving arms of my savior who tells me, I know what you have done, and I love you anyway..... and that gives me peace.

-C

One year and eight days

So the sobriety day came and went. It was wonderful. So thankful for family and friends who have walked through the valley with me this past year. I am a new creation ONLY by His grace. My husband gave me a ballon, flowers and a card. My mom came to an AA meeting that I led and LOVED it. My small group prayed over me, baked me a cake, got me flowers and each wrote me a personal note. It was all so amazing and I am grateful, very, very grateful.
On the marriage front things are well. The days have passed of the deep, deep pain and grief. I have and did grieve for sure and am thankful I am no longer "barely" making it. We are communicating better, engaging better and learning to live our new life. It is not easy, but it is beautiful and it all points to God and miracles. There are days that are better than others, but the good days are far more frequent than the bad. Trust is being rebuilt and we have a long way to go, but today we are making it and doing well. I can only pray it continues.
One thing I do know is, pink clouds don't last forever, nor does the darkest day. Life is a roller coaster that is filled with surprise drops and turns and I have to be thankful for the good and accept and deal with the bad in the best way possible with God's help. Surrendering my control and need to know what is going to happen I can accept life's joys and sorrows as they come. The song that has meant and still means so much to me"Blessed be your name"....
Blessed be Your name When the sun's shining down on me, When the world's 'all as it should be 'Blessed be Your name,
Blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name."
He is the Lord God Almighty. Who am I to question His plans for my life and my days.

Intimacy

This has been on my prayer list for several months. I am realizing how I fear it and if I feel like it is there in any relationship, I pull away. I am still working on why, the obvious is my childhood- a father who was present physically, but not emotionally and a mother who needed her children too much emotionally and ultra controlling. Then throw in a bad high school boyfriend, alcohol for years, and an unfaithful husband. I expected these issues with my husband, neither of us know what intimacy should or could look like with each other, but I am seeing it with my children. Oh, I cuddle, snuggle, talk, ect...but when I feel like they NEED me to connect, really connect with them, something unconsciously screams "fortify" and a wall slams down somewhere in my soul. With realizing it and prayer and others prayer, the intimacy with my children has gotten better. I am more quick to hear my "fortify" alarm and stay and fight through feelings that for me are uncomfortable at times.
Still haven't gotten as aware of when the urge to "fortify" ,myself with my husband bell goes off, but maybe because that is more a constant bell and harder to hear. I am protective and defensive A LOT, not that it is right, but that mode is built-in and how I have survived a lot of the heartache and pain of a broken marriage. I also am seeing with a clearer vision how the affairs and alcohol were just a band aid to a broken down marriage. It has always been broken, WE have always been broken and looking outside of Jesus to fill us up. The more I look at Jesus the clearer my reality becomes and the more I see the TRUTH of things about my marriage, rather than just the FACTS. We are ALL in recovery from our first parents, Adam and Eve, we all have used and tried to make ourselves feel better with stuff, religion, food, sex, vacations, ect...I am just a broken cistern living with another broken cistern in need of a Savior to fill us up and restore us.

Journaling.....

So tonight, I sat down to journal, something I am very new to, and something I don't do very often. I started writing my feelings on page 1, and it pretty much became a "poor me" log.... I became very sad, felt sorry for myself, texted a few people to tell them how sad I was, and started getting very depressed....but something tugged at my heart to continue.

So I turned the page over and began writing down what I remembered from a sermon tonight on how we are adopted. I just started putting every good point I could remember from that sermon.... what happened to my heart was beautiful. That pain and misery was lifted. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I became so very grateful for what was given to me, not what I didn't have. The pity became gratitude, and the tears were tears of joy.....

Lord, thank you for not letting me stop on page 1..... thank you.....thank you.....

C

I am so homesick....

Two days ago I was driving to meet with my sponsor and tears overtook me. I felt the overwhelming pain that I am not meant for this world and there will always be pain in this world. Not too long ago, maybe even days ago I think I felt like if only _____ would happen, then I would be happy. Tonight after just talking to my wife about my addiction and how gross it all is, I just feel helpless. I want to tell her the reason I did it was because of _____, but I have no answers. She is feeling as if it had something to do with her, she wasn't pretty enough, she wasn't good enough, something, but there is nothing further from the truth. That's what is so disgusting about being sick....

I can't explain it, and I hope one day my wife will feel as special as she is. That God will use me to lift her up, that He will soften her to one day actually hear me when I tell her she's beautiful, and she will believe it. That day may be way off, but doesn't mean I can't hope for it.....

In the mean time, I have tears. This is not our home... this is not how we were created. This is not a life in His image, but rather a life of brokenness, daily repentance for the wrongs I continue to do... and it's not going to stop any time soon....

Babe, I love you. I am sorry that I haven't written a post on this blog, I wanted to, but I let the world get the better of me. I let myself become so busy that I couldn't see how important this is. Life is very hard when you stop numbing the pain and start feeling it... I just hope one day, we can walk side by side together.... as God truly intended it to be...

C

Theme for the Day

"This is not a destination, it is a work in progress." How true that is, having lunch with my sponsor we were talking about this very thing. There is no such thing as spiritual perfection. We aim to be more like Christ, but our flesh fails us daily, but yet we keep striving. Where there is discord we pray for unity. Where there is hate we pray for love. Where there is despair we pray for hope. A year ago I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous an irritable, discontent, restless soul. Today I walked through those very same doors a happy, content, peaceful person. Recovery works if you are willing. When you are at the bottom of yourself and your efforts and are ready to do whatever it takes to walk the road to freedom then you are ready to take your first step. Surrender, what an easy word to get in theory, but hard to get in your soul. By God's grace I was there, I was like a sheep who was willing to follow as if my life depended on it. What a bittersweet time. Since that time I have gotten to the bottom of myself in other area's, how I treat people, my anger, my control, my sadness....it's a scary, but beautiful place to get too for then you are ready to take the first step, hand God the reins and let Him take control.
So as I continue along I pray for the grace of constant surrender. I pray to know and obey my Savior more because I truly love Him and he has rescued me from a death in which I could not save myself. He has taken a tormented soul and set her free. By no means do I live this perfectly, but I strive to daily. I am conscious of my failings and don't try to do better because there is no way I can, but with shaking hands and a discouraged heart I hand them over to Him and know and trust that His grace abounds more than I can begin to fathom. I am thankful for a Father who knows and loves me and before I can say "I am so sorry, I failed again" He whispers to me "I am so glad you came home." Recovery and sobriety have given me more than I ever hoped, I am being made into a new creation in every way and have fallen in love with my Lord who has always just been a "Savior" to me and no one, not even death can take that away. I look forward to the day I DO reach my destination and see His heavenly face. Until then I journey on the beaten path with those who encourage me along until that day.

Just an update

I am thankful today for so many things. I am thankful for a deep peace. I am thankful for a year that is coming up for my sobriety July 30th. I am thankful for my sweet sleeping three, healthy children. I am thankful for good books which point me to having a deep, deep faith- Hudson Taylor's autobiography is the lastest. I am thankful for being set free. I am thankful I am growing to know myself, the GOOD and the bad. I am thankful for my recovery groups and everything I have learned over this past year from the people in them. I am thankful for our church and our sweet, sweet small group. I am thankful I woke up today and that I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in at night, and for sure air conditioning.
I am seeing the world through new eyes. I am reacting to others in new ways. I am learning to love and accept who I am in Christ and to respect myself and trust myself. I am learning what it really means to let go and let God. I have a long road ahead of me, but I am excited. I am excited to keep experiencing a deep joy and peace that few people ever get. I am excited to get to know and love my Savior more everyday. I am excited about being free from my resentments and hurts...I am getting there, slowly. I am excited about walking with others towards freedom from their hurts, habits and hang-ups as I soon will move into getting sponsee's.
Life is good and I have never been happier. A quote from Hudson Taylor's book really hit home- "No unforeseen mischance had happened, but that these circumstances which seemed to be so trying were necessary links in the chain of a divinely ordered providence, guiding to other and wider spheres. God does not permit persecution to arise without sufficient reason....He was leading us by a way which we knew not; but nonetheless His way."
God still does move mountains. He performs miracles and he changes hearts and lives. I am blessed because I get to see it everyday in recovery. I see broken people become restored and lives changed. It is nothing short of God's hand and His work in broken, ruined run-down lives. Although I would never have chosen this road, I can today say I am grateful for each struggle and difficulty. For I know Him in ways I would have never. I have clung to Him as the billows rolled over me and I thought I might drown in sadness and anger. BUT He has been faithful. He has been the light in the darkness and shown me the way on a journey I on my own strength and will could have never made. I shutter to think where I would be if He weren't with me guiding me.... for sure in a dark, dark place. So today HIS light shines through me. He is with me now in all I do. "His will not mine" in everything. I am dancing to a different tune, that of a sweet Redeemer's soothing voice and am dancing on enchanted ground. Praise be to God!

The Same Team

I sent this out to my sponsors and mentors last Monday. It was a great week.
I woke up this morning at 5 and God gave me a vision. Their were two people with their swords drawn and their Shields up facing each other, ready to battle and protecting their selves. It obviously was C and I and how we have been our whole marriage. Meanwhile, they were being struck with fiery arrows and being beaten by the real enemy, Satan and his spiritual forces. They turned around and begin fighting the real enemy when they realized they were on the same team. C is a new creation and new man and instead of beating him up when he continues to struggle I need to come alongside and use my shield of faith and the sword of the spirit- prayer and scripture to help him fight on. He is on my team fighting against slavery just like me and fighting our way to the promised land.
For weeks now I have gotten this in theory, but the vision was so clear and I FINALLY feel like it is sinking into my heart. He was able to be honest that it is still a struggle looking at women, and in him having the courage to be honest that opened the door for me to peace and courage to help him, not by trying to help him put up his shield or put on his helmet for him, but to put up mine, the tools God has given me, encouragement, prayer and reading his word. My fear will gain us no ground and leaves me paralyzed and the enemy gains ground if I am buying into HIS wily schemes. Just wanted to share with this with y'all as I know you all pray for me and are wanting to help me in this battle. I feel free today and know God is ultimately the Caption of our army and we must keep looking to Him to know how to battle. I was able to share this with C and we had an amazing time of prayer this morning!

Letting Go

Well, it's been a rough 2 weeks with little to no peace. Finally I am getting some serenity back and learning to live again in healthy ways. I am now involved in Al Anon, yes 3 programs, and am learning more each time I go to a meeting. At Bethesda they taught us about our co-addicts, how we are so sick and unhealthy because of our addicts behaviors and behaviors we learned to survive with at a young age. I am looking forward to this journey of becoming a new person in every way. I am learning to take every thought captive and it helps going to meetings to be reminded to do so. Not getting on the "crazy train" of our addicts and living each day practicing the tools we are given. It is hard letting go of old behaviors and patterns that are ingrained in our marriage, especially when it comes to relating to each other. Most of the time, I get angry or I shut-down, neither which are healthy.
I am learning and being comforted in, it is me and God. I am responsible for my actions, responses, anger, etc... and there is nothing I can do to control my addicts behavior. Last night at an Al Anon meeting a lady shared her husband relapsed, he took the appropriate steps in taking care of himself and she took the kids to the pool and she was mentally and emotionally okay! That is what I want to get to. To be okay whether my husband relapses or he doesn't. To know I have no control or responsibility for his actions, only my own. She was able to enjoy her children and be present even amidst his chaos, and she didn't allow herself to be dragged into it. I am hoping to learn getting to the "show-up" place and engaging my husband, but not being so intertwined with him and his addiction and recovery. To be okay with him, and to be okay without him. I am working my program and working on "letting go and letting God."

Psalm 101

I just got back from Bethesda, the healing for partners workshop and I learned so much that I am still trying to wrap my head around. I met so many amazing women and am thankful for some healing time for myself and a chance to understand my own destructive behaviors in how I relate in my marriage. The focus was on becoming a healthy person, trusting God and getting to the show-up point, not crazy, for your husband. Not controlling or going down into the "rabbit hole" of craziness, but understanding your part and your reactions in getting to a point where you can have true intimacy with your husbands and YOU are healthy, whether they get there or not you will know by their behaviors and won't spent countless hours "looking" for clues. The last thing I wrote in my journal was "who am I going to be?" not realizing that I had even written that question several days ago, I opened my Bible and it was Psalm 101. God said "this is who you are going to be" to me. I then went to journal what He had spoken and found the question I had written days before. WOW! That is God. So my prayer is that I can be this- A women who walks with Integrity.

I Will Walk with Integrity
A Psalm of David.
101:1 I will sing of steadfast love and justice;to you, O Lord, I will make music.2 I will ponder the way that is blameless.Oh when will you come to me?I will walk with integrity of heart within my house;3 I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless.I hate the work of those who fall away;it shall not cling to me.4 A perverse heart shall be far from me;I will know nothing of evil.
5 Whoever slanders his neighbor secretlyI will destroy.Whoever has a haughty look and an arrogant heart I will not endure.
6 I will look with favor on the faithful in the land,that they may dwell with me;he who walks in the way that is blameless shall minister to me. (this for me is going to Recovery Meetings and walking with other women who have gone before me.)
7 No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house;no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes.
8 Morning by morning I will destroy all the wicked in the land,cutting off all the evildoers from the city of the Lord.

A fierce love

I heard this on the radio today. It was about adultery and a women choosing to stay because of the vows she had made before God, even though her husband still choose the women after he confessed, but since this letter was written their marriage has been restored. It was humbling and made me grateful, that my husband confessed and that it was over and he is actively seeking recovery. The part about her 11 year old son made me weep. It was from the series Revive Our Hearts, it is lengthy, but so good.

“Why I Will Not Divorce My Husband."
Nearly two years ago my husband told me that he had been involved in an adulterous affair with a younger woman for the past six months. That moment began a journey I never expected to take in my lifetime. I’ve chosen not to divorce my husband even though he refused to stop the affair for over a year after his initial confession.
Several people have questioned me about why I have made this choice. In fact, some just assumed that divorce would be an automatic response to his unfaithfulness to me. When Steve [and that’s not his real name, but I’ll just call him that] and I were married almost 25 years ago, I made a covenant with him before God and our families and friends. That covenant as I repeated my vows, was "for better or for worse as long as we both shall live."
I realize that Steve has broken his part of that covenant; however, I do not believe this means I should divorce him and break my part of the covenant. I realize there are differing opinions on the scriptural basis for divorce. Many claim the "exception clause" in Matthew 19 as the only grounds for divorce. Others refer to 1 Corinthians 7 and claim abandonment as another ground for divorce. Yet in Matthew 19 when Jesus was confronted with this issue, He made it clear that God’s plan for marriage is until death.
Later in the chapter when pressed further, Jesus replied that it was only because of hardness of heart the divorce was allowed, but "from the beginning it was not so." In Malachi 2:16, God says He hates divorce.
After studying these passages, it is obvious that God’s intent is that marriage should be for life. Even Jesus did not say to divorce even when adultery has been committed. He reiterated the Father’s heart for a lifetime covenant. I would find it very hard to pursue something or to counsel someone to do something that God says He hates.
There are even some theologians who believe that the immorality or "fornication" to which Jesus refers, [in that exception clause, that that] had taken place in the betrothal or engagement period, allowing for the betrothed couple to be "divorced."
In Ephesians 5 the marriage union is presented as a picture of Christ and the church. Think of the spiritual adultery and unfaithfulness we continually commit against our Savior as part of His church—yet Christ never divorces us. He shows mercy, grace and forgiveness to us no matter how unloving and unfaithful we are. We may break our part of the covenant, but the covenant is still not dissolved because Christ keeps His covenant. His love and forgiveness draw our hearts back to Him.
Yes, He definitely uses pain, sometimes through severe discipline, to bring godly sorrow and repentance. But He also uses His goodness or kindness to lead us to repentance. Based on these and other biblical principles, I’ve come to the conclusion in my heart that I cannot and will not divorce my husband. I want to display the true picture of Christ and the church before my husband, our children, family, friends and the world. I want to have a heart like God’s concerning my marriage covenant.
I can only come to the conclusion that His heart is marriage for life. As for the "exception clause" in Matthew 19, I think it is very possible that Jesus was not referring to adultery in marriage but to immorality during the engagement or betrothal period. All this does not excuse my husband’s sin or give him license to continue breaking his vow to me.
First Corinthians 7 speaks of the possibility of separation. I believe separation for a period of time is not unscriptural as long as the intent is to be restored. I had been at this point with Steve for a couple months prior to his stopping the affair.
There is great pain inflicted upon the innocent mate when adultery has been committed. [Some of you know that all too well.] For me, the agony has been indescribable because I felt we had such a good marriage and such a close relationship before this happened. Steve and I were best friends, soul-mates, lovers and had a ministry team for Christ. So to be replaced by another and to experience continual rejection for over a year and a half is crushing. Some would say that this kind of pain is grounds for divorce.
But what am I teaching my children by getting out of a painful relationship? Do I show them that when times get tough you can run and try to find someone else who will make you happy and not hurt you? Or do I show them that God never promises us happiness, but holiness. Do I show them by divorce that God is not strong enough to see me through pain and suffering or do I fling myself upon my Savior and receive His strength and grace and show them He is enough?
Do I present a picture of Christ and the church that is accurate—Christ never casting us off even when we sin greatly against Him? Or one that presents Christ putting us away when we break our covenant to Him?
John Piper makes this point in his book, A Godward Life. [And now she’s quoting from that book.]
Our culture has made divorce acceptable and therefore easier to justify on the basis of emotional pain. Historically, the misery of painful emotions was not a sanction for divorce in most cultures. Marriage durability—with or without emotional pain—was valued above emotional tranquility for the sake of the children, the stability of society, and in the case of Christians, for the glory of God. In Christianity such rugged and enduring marriages through pain and heartache are rooted in the marriage of God to His rebellious people whom He has never finally cast off.
Covenants are broken because it feels good to free from the commitment. Covenant breaking is a way of short-term pain reduction. But in the process of reducing our pain we destroy life.
Pain-free relationships are assumed as a right. But God promises His people something better. "Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love him" (James 1:12, RSV).2
A few months ago, our son, who is 11, came to me and said that when he saw what his dad was doing to me and to him and to his sister, he initially decided he never wanted to get married. However, he went on to say that as he had watched me forgive his dad and show love and mercy over and over, he decided he wants to get married so he can show that kind of commitment to his wife and children some day. He wept as he told me this and thanked me for my example.
I wept tears of gratitude to my Lord for allowing all the pain and sorrow I had experienced to be used for good in my son’s life already. I’ve experienced the broadest spectrum of emotions these past two years. I’ve wept many tears. At times I have felt crushed into powder.
Yet I believe everything God has allowed my children and me to go through has been meant for good and for His glory. I see it as a gift to be embraced, for my Father who allowed His Son to suffer so greatly for me would not allow anything in my life with intent to harm me but only to make me more like Himself.
I have blown it many times by some of my reactions and responses. I have been angry. At times I have been so deeply discouraged that I wanted to call it quits. I have been far from perfect through it all. Yet I have such a deep joy in knowing I have chosen to obey my Savior no matter the cost.
Some have suggested that the only reason I have not divorced my husband is because I am insecure. I do not claim to be without insecurities. In fact, I don’t feel very secure in my husband’s love for me right now. I know his heart has been given to another and I find myself grasping for assurance from him that he still loves me and wants me.
But one reason I have not pursued divorce is because of my security in Christ and in His love and faithfulness to me. He has taught me for many years that I must rest in Him and not only surrender to what He allows but accept and even embrace it. I find great security in this kind of rest in my Father’s choices for me.
In fact, I have to sit back and marvel at it all. It is all Him and none of me. Throughout these painful months He has sustained and carried me even above my circumstances. His love has been so sweet and His Word so healing to my soul. I can only fall before Him in awe and gratitude that He saw fit to give me the privilege of suffering. To Him I give great glory and praise for what He has done and will continue to do.
I realize that I have no guarantee that my husband will ever love me the way he once did. I have known of people who have come through this kind of moral failure with more depth in their walk with Christ and ministry to others and with a deeper love for their spouse than ever before. That’s what I am praying and hoping for. But what if that never happens and Steve is never restored to the man he once was, or, as I pray, even better? Does that give me a basis to divorce him?
I believe not. My covenant with this man is rooted in Christ. I am in it for the long haul. All the hurt and rejection I have felt have not lessened my love for my husband. In fact, quite the opposite has happened. I knew I loved him but I never knew how much until this happened. God has given me a deeper understanding of what true love really is—His kind of love. I can only describe it as a fierce love that cannot give up on the one it loves and is committed to. I realize that great men of God disagree on the grounds of divorce. Who am I to tell them they are wrong? But I can only obey what I believe Scripture teaches on this issue.
My journey is not over. My husband and I are in the process of being restored in our marriage. There have been many times since he came home that were as tough to endure as when he was gone from us. Satan is still after him and after our marriage. I know there are still painful times ahead in this process. Yet I believe God will see our family through the days ahead as He has the past two years. I am truly grateful for what God has allowed for us. I believe He wants to use us together for His glory again someday. Until then I can only stay bowed to what God allows and continue to rest in His love.

Fear and Anxiety

I have had a good morning, been praying and reading since 4 this morning, but feel as though the enemy is attacking me with fear and making me anxious. I need prayer for peace and calmness today. I know I can't do life without God and am brought to my knee's everytime I think I can. Our oldest got accepted into the school we want him to go to and financially we can't afford it, but it is our only option. Pray that we will both have faith that God will provide for us.

Song

I know I post song lyrics a lot, but all I listen to and what gives me comfort and hope is Christian music. This one is my life, raised in a Christian home, Christian school, but still believing in God was not enough for this rebellious heart. Here is a song I LOVE! The part in bold is one of my favorite lines!!

More Like Falling in Love by Jason Grey

Give me rules I will break them Give me lines I will cross them I need more than a truth to believe I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes To sweep me off my feet It ought to be More like falling in love Than something to believe in More like losing my heart Than giving my allegiance Caught up, called out Come take a look at me now It's like I'm falling, oh It's like I'm falling in love Give me words I'll misuse them Obligations I'll misplace them 'Cause all religion ever made of me Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet It never set me free It's gotta be CHORUS ...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love Deeper and deeper It was love that made Me a believer In more than a name, a faith, a creed Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

Nine months and God

I am two days away from 9 months of sobriety and it has been a great day! I went ahead and picked up my nine month chip at the AA noon meeting I attend and my husband came to watch (I picked it up early since I will be out of town). The topic was on God, which is the reason I am sober. I am so thankful to AA and it was definitely God's plan in getting me sober. The tools they offer and the support it so amazing. I am able to have a deep personal relationship with Him by staying sober and by attending AA and listening to others speak about their experience, strength and hope. Every sober person offers hope. They have been at the gates of hell, experienced something they could not overcome, and accepted that something greater than them had to redeem their lives. I wish that I could say that they all believe in Jesus Christ, but that is not the truth. Some Christians I have met through AA and we have a totally different relationship than those who don't believe, and I can only pray that others be led to believe in Him, the one true God.
From what I understand Bill W was a Christian and that the steps stem from the Bible, the book of James. AA people, no matter who their God may be, love you unconditionally. Many know about my marriage, about the adultery and when they saw my husband and met him for the first time their eyes lit up and you could tell they were genuinely glad he was there. They know grace like few do. You can be who you are and accepted where you are. A day sober. 20 years sober. Relapse and you get hugs, cry and they pass tissues, call someone at 2 AM and they answer and talk you through whatever it may be. Instead of sitting around discussing theology and what it looks like to "care" for people, they just do it. They live it. In simple words, they get it. They live the gospel much better than any church I have ever attended. My husband was very glad he came and said "it's like a family there, I see why you love it." And it is. Something I was so ashamed to be a part of has been the very thing that has helped me learn to live again. What the enemy set out to destroy me with- alcoholism- has been the means of my deliverance. In my life, in my marriage, and I am forever grateful for each person who has loved on me, prayed for me and they all have made me want to know God more and be more like Him. To live out the gospel, that is my prayer. To God, the one true God, be all glory, honor and praise!!

Hallelujah and faith

So, the hubs got a new job. It is exactly what he has wanted to do and after dinner with the owner last night, we are taking this leap. It is a huge leap because our income will be cut in half at the beginning. We are hopeful that it will be back where it is now in a few months and we are living on faith and that I can make more money in my job and that God will provide. He has provided for us so far, not a penny more nor a penny less of what we need, and I am having faith He will do this here. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!!!
A side note...I had asked him to be out of his job by June. God brought this job last week, so we feel like we are following His will. All the signs seem to point to that. God is good and God is sovereign- He will take care of us.
On another note, one of my character defects is wanting to be wealthy. I know it is not Holy, but all the people I am jealous of on my inventory have money. I am seeing this over and over, all my desires are so worldly. Anyways, this is the perfect opportunity to work on that one because we will not be wealthy anytime soon, if ever, and maybe God knows I never need to be.

Renewing our Vows

I woke up this morning so grateful. So thankful that God has been fruitful to me in the land of my affliction. At peace and feeling His love and His presence. I am ready to start thinking about and planning when and what we want it to look like when we renew our vows. My upmost desire is that God will get the glory. That our friends and family who attend will be able to feel God and His presence and through it draw closer to Him in their own spiritual walk. I want it to be a praise and celebration time, to show others God can take two sinners, redeem their lives, change their hearts and that ONLY He can do it. I would not be where I am today with out Him. Without having clung to Him and having complete faith He can use our dirty rags and wash them clean, without a trace of the old.
We are two different people. 8 1/2 years ago we made vows to each other that have been broken. We have not fulfilled what we promised each other. We have not been faithful to each other, I had an 8 year affair with "King alcohol" and have not been the wife God desires me to be. I was not present, for sure emotionally, and a lot of times physically. I pray that it will be a ceremony of hope and this time I KNOW it will be different. God is shaping and molding us into who HE has always known we could be and has wanted us to be. Not sure when, not sure where it will be, but know that I want it to be so special and beautiful.

Putting on my armor!

I picked up a pamphlet at Church on Praying God's Word for your Children. I have used it for praying for them, but also have used it for praying for me and my husband. One scripture that I am committing to pray every morning for myself, and the days I do I have had deep peace is...
Eph 6:10-11, 14-18
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
The bold words are the ones I really love and mean the most to me. Satan daily shoots flaming arrows at me and if I do not have my shield of faith up, they wound me. When I am constantly aware that Satan is out to deceive me it is much easier to be prepared for his cunning, whispering lies that try to pierce my heart and send me into dark places. I love also, that the scripture says to pray on all occasions with ALL kinds of prayers and request. Then it reminds me to also pray for others, which is a key part of recovery- getting out of self.
Here is what the armor looks like for me.
Belt of truth- that my husband is in recovery and sober, does love me, I am a child of the King and our marriage is being restored.
Breastplate of righteousness- that I may have a truthful heart before God so I can act with honesty and integrity towards others.
Feet fitted for readiness- that I be in God's word daily so I am prepared for the enemy's attacks.
The Shield of faith- for me to firmly believe that God is good and wants the best for me and my family, that He is moving and working.
Helmet of salvation- knowing and resting in Jesus being my Savior and Redeemer.
Sword of the Spirit- combating Satan, when I begin to worry which leads to fear and doubt, with praying and reading His word.

Something is just a little different today...

I fell flat on my face again yesterday and did something stupid and hurt my wife tremendously. My intentions were so good and I tried to do the right thing, but I fell flat on my face..... but something Eli (Bethesda leader) told me was that we do fall on our faces sometimes, and something to the extent of we have skid marks on our face. But the truth is I am running the race and I am trying to recover from this painful life I have lived, but I am running, running to my savior who's arms are open wide waiting for me, wanting to affirm me, wanting to love me, waiting for me, and I am running.... I have skid marks on my face from falling down so much, but I am running...

The little something that is different today is I am not as panicked as usual. Before I would think the sky is falling, my wife is upset and the sky is falling, I screwed up and there is NO WAY I am going to be able to make up for this one... but today, I stood up, wiped the dust and blood off, and said it's going to be ok...just get up and let's keep going...

Why am I in so much pain... just writing this brings me to tears... but why? I was not abused, I had a safe life growing up, I have a comfortable life, but why does it hurt so bad? Is this a good pain? So much to figure out?!?!? So much to learn... but today, I got back up.. and today I will start running again... the race is not over for me...

-C

Walking in Faith and the voice of doubt.

I am tempted daily to listen to the voice of doubt. It is hard to walk by faith and not by sight. As the inner battle in my head begins, it is not a pretty sight or a good place to be, to say the least. If I am not constantly aware of Satan's attacks on my thoughts I fall right back into the trap of self-pity and fear. I am learning how to get out of those moments faster and also am learning the H.A.L.T. (hungry, angry, lonely or tired) and how really true that is. I am in the hospital right now, was diagnosed with Diverticulitis yesterday and leading up to it, obviously I wasn't feeling well which made me tired and angry for sure. I was so snappy and mean to my husband and really had crazy thoughts of leaving him and how stupid I have been to stay in this marriage. I was totally buying into Satan lies that were swirling around in my head.
So we walk by faith and not by sight, and it's that easy right? Not at all, it is a daily, moment by moment surrender for me. I think of how Abraham must have felt when God told him to sacrifice his only son Issac. How the voice of doubt must have swirled around in his head, BUT he obeyed. And God was faithful. It is an inner battle of the heart and mind and I do believe there is a spiritual warfare going on over our marriages and our lives. Especially when Satan has had you in sin for so long, he is not going to give you up easily. So today I will choose to walk by faith and know that my God is faithful and He loves and cares for me far beyond my comprehension!

Walking the road of freedom

Today has been a day of blessings. My step study, lunch with my sponsor, a good conversation with my husband and a great AA meeting followed by a rainbow representing God's promises. I wept as I drove through the rain down 280. I was so overwhelmed with God, His grace and His blessings. As I walked up to the AA meeting I felt so overwhelmed with God's grace of being sober 8 months. When I first went to that meeting it was more a walk a shame. I could not imagine actually wanting to skip and run with joy 8 months later, unashamed and set free to that very same meeting place. A friend of mine shared that when my husband confessed that he really didn't think I would make it 2 weeks without drinking, and that I am proof that God still works miracles. How true he is. I have hung on by my pinkie finger nail at times, but I have been held by God and His undying love for me and grace. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I have been swept out to sea and yet He was with me the whole time whispering "just hold on to Me." It feels amazing to be free. Free from alcohol, free from anger, free from self...today I am grateful.

5 Months Today!

Wow, that is hard to say. Looking back, I couldn't wait for 30 days of sobriety. I kept hearing people say, they could remember what it was like to hit 30 days of sobriety, and now they are picking up 1,2, 3 year chips and it gave me hope.... now here I am at 5 months and am beginning to see life through clearer eyes... still not clear, but much better than where it was.

One example happened this morning. My wife asked if I needed her, I was able to ask if she wanted it, or was she just trying to give it for me... she responded she just wanted to give it for me and that she really didn't want it. I was able to say, thank you, but I am ok. (sorry to talk in code, never know who is reading this)

For once I am seeing that Sex is not a NEED, it's a WANT. If I don't eat or even breathe for that matter, I will start experiencing pain, and would eventually die.... The only pain I am feeling now is the pain from when I thought Sex was a NEED and how it hurt so many people.... That is something I have really enjoyed learning. I hope it will begin to take less pressure off of my wife and less shame off of her and eventually lead to a intimate relationship that is much more than I ever expected.... that's my hope.

-C

Reflecting

Well, I can't sleep, so now I am blogging. The days have been good. God has been good and gracious, it is a CONSTANT surrender, but when I obey I see the blessings. I have been laying awake listening to the rhythmic sound of my husband's breathing and this time not wanting to kill him or hating him, but reflecting on my past and my pain that I have caused people, that people have caused me. I feel as though it has been a healthy reflection, not too much obsession which I am prone to do or too much self-pity for that matter. I am realizing how the past things I have done, with or without alcohol, were to fill me, this void that has always been there. How I was attracted to a sex addict because I was so sick. How my past relationships have been so unhealthy as well ,and I am pretty sure my high school boyfriend was a sex addict - he cheated on me too- ironically. I leave for Bethesda next Wed and I feel as though God is preparing my heart for my issues in the marriage. I do acknowledge there are plenty. I have done and said many hurtful things.
God has been convicting me, daily it seems, of my many character defects. Laziness, selfishness, jealousy, anger, lust...and the list continues. Having to acknowledge they are there and that they are not going to be gone overnight is rather annoying. I want to be a person who is so passionate about God nothing else matters and they can put on the fruits of the spirit like magic. It is a SLOW process, but I am glad that I am sober and I am able to start seeing myself for who I am, flawed and imperfect, but yet feel an overpowering peace that God loves me period. God loved me drunk and God loves me sober. That is something I never could believe and I still struggle with unbelief that he is that kind and that loving. I am hoping I can love the way He does, forgive the way He does and want to be like Him in every way, every day. He is molding and shaping me, softening and mending the broken places of my soul. To HIM be all glory.

Why do we have to be broken?

Why can't we just say we want to change and then change? I guess that is because we need God to change us... bottom line..... WE NEED GOD!

I hope your broken doesn't have to cause the damage mine has.....but I hope God does break you, because when he does, he will also be there to heal you... by the way, the healing is the good part....

-C

Date Night

Well, we went out Friday night to Taziki's and to see Alice in Wonderland. Dinner was very difficult. My wife was very upset and sad that our date couldn't be what she always dreamed our dates would be like after 8 years of marriage. That we weren't having intimate conversations. I too am very sad about this...

It's only been 4.5 months since I confessed to her, so date nights are going to be hard for a while. I am just very thankful that she would even go on a date with me... it's almost like we are starting over, and the truth is, we are.... but the difference this time is that she is on a date with someone who only wants to be with her and no one else in that room, or in the whole world for that matter. I know she can't believe that, but my heart feels it. What happens when you lift these addictions that we use to cope with our past pains, we begin to feel the pains, and we begin to heal. Then we begin to feel real feelings.... I have those feelings now when I am with my wife... It's going to be a LONG time before she can believe this, but I know what's going on in my heart and I LOVE IT!..... in fact, I love HER!

-C

You are not Crazy!

You are a hurt scared child who has never been protected. I have been a huge part of that. I am sorry that you keep hearing that from me. You are so strong, so brave, and so intuitive... not crazy. In fact, the opposite of crazy is normal, and that is all you want... so who's the crazy one... you want a husband who is faithful, a father who you can trust, and partner you can be intimate with... that is NORMAL. But for some reason, I (the crazy one) continue to call you crazy for being hurt and wanting to be normal.... I can't tell you how sorry I am.

God is faithful, never lies, and someone that desires to be intimate with you. And that is crazy...

A lot of people are going to make you feel Crazy for staying married to me... I don't think God would say that, I think he would say you are amazing! (and so do I)

-C

Crazy

So this morning I dreamt about my father smoking, I had caught him and he lied. I woke myself up yelling " I am not crazy." My sweet four year old had crawled in bed beside me took her thumb out and said, "Yes you are mommy." We need to start saving for all the counseling sessions these children will need to attend. Sweet things, and yes she was right, I am crazy, but sober crazy which is always better than the alternative.

My tormented mind

“…But I cannot tell that to this old sinner, and I cannot comfort him either; he has made himself unable to hear my voice. If I spoke to him, he would hear only growlings and roarings. Oh Adam's sons, how cleverly you defend yourselves against all that might do you good! But I will give him the only gift he is still able to receive.”He bowed his great head rather sadly, and breathed into the Magician's terrified face. “Sleep,” he said. “Sleep and be separated for some few hours from all the torments you have devised for yourself.”
The Magician’s Nephew – Chapter 14
This is from a book by CS Lewis. I read it and immediately thought of myself. My mind is off within seconds, devising scenario's and situations relating to my husband. Dwelling on them and not turning them over immediately. It is exhausting and sleep is God's grace for me. I torment myself. I am in the midst of turning him over to God. Releasing my need to control. My need for more information. I know I sound like a broken record. For some reason I think my core belief about God is that He will not take care of me. If I release him into His hands I am bound to be disappointed, which is such a joke b/c he is already in his hands. Nothing I can do or have done in the past has worked. Why can't I get that? It is so much wasted time being tormented by constructing a world of what I think happened, what is happening and what is going to happen. I cannot be comforted and in this state I cannot hear His voice. I am having a hard time surrendering. Tonight has been good, I knelt by my bed and prayed "God I cannot live here anymore. Make me willing to be willing to surrender. Help me." And He did, I have had relief since. Prayer is powerful.

Definition of an Addict

Someone that is hurting and chooses something hurtful to make themselves feel better.... is that insane? I think so....

-C

Daddy, Daddy, are you there? I am hurting.

Last night my son was jumping on the bed, I told him that if he kept doing it he was going to get hurt, I wasn't going to make him stop, I just wanted to warn him that he would get hurt and let him make his decision on whether he wanted to take that chance. It took about 5 minutes before he tried to do a flip and landed on his arm.... and got hurt. All I could do was hurt for him...

All night about every hour he would wake up and call out, "daddy, daddy, are you there?" in a very weak quiet cry. Every hour I would walk in and affirm him that I was and that I loved him. By 3:00 I finally told him that I would lay with him the rest of the night, I am here, get some rest.

I told a brother about that today and he pointed out the beautiful picture of the gospel in last night.

"The story of your son crying out your name made me think. How God must feel to see us in the pain that we are in. How it hurts Him to see us suffering. How it hurts Him to know that we are hurt. How He stays with us - even all night. How He loves us so much that we are His main concern. I know that not all the pain in my life has not been caused by me - family issues, addiction - but I do know that I have caused many of my own hurts. Like your son, I did something I thought I could without concern for myself. I got hurt. Unfortunately, others were hurt as well. But I do know that my Abba Father is there holding me, listening to my cries, and loving me as I cry and hurt."

How BEAUTIFUL this is! God tells us not to jump on the bed because we will get hurt, yet we do it anyway. Then after we are hurt, we cry out in our pain, "Daddy, Daddy, Are you there? I am hurting" and each time he comes in and tucks us back in, kisses our forehead, tells us HE LOVES US, and we try to get some rest. Then we wake up again, and he finally comes in and put his arms around us and then we rest. It takes my son getting hurt for me to realize God has his arms around me right now... Thank you Father, thank you for loving me....

(After talking with some folks, I forgot to add this piece

the first time I came in, I asked if he wanted medicine to help the pain and he said no (HOW INSANE?) so he went to sleep, so did I, then in about an hour I heard the faint voice again, and this time I asked if he wanted medicine and he said yes… how sad is it that God asks us if we want help and we say no… until finally we do say yes…

It's a mystery)

-C

The Bondage of Self

I am in this. I want to control. I want to know. I want to be assured that this will never happen again. I am having to have constant surrender of this or else I end up in dark, dark places. Lord help me to do and be the following.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon:
where there is doubt, faith ;
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
Prayer of Saint Francis

Daily Inventory

In an AA meeting today a wise old women had copies of this daily inventory sheet and I took one. Most normal people get this, for my alcoholic mind, it helps for me to see it in writing and put pen to paper.

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.

Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?

Personality Characteristics of Self-Will/ Personality Characteristics of God's- Will

1. Selfish and Self seeking/ Interest in others
2. Dishonesty/ Honesty
3. Frightened /Courage
4. Inconsiderate/ Considerate
5. Pride/ Humility-seeking God's will
6. Greedy /Giving or sharing
7. Lustful /What can we do for others
8. Anger /Calm
9. Envy /Grateful
10. Sloth /Take action
11. Gluttony/ Moderation
12. Impatient/ Patience
13. Intolerant /Tolerance
14. Resentment/ Forgiveness
15. Hate/ Love concern for others
16. Harmful Acts/ Good Deeds
17. Self-Pity /Self-forgetfulness
18. Self-justification /Humility-seek God's will
19. Self-importence /Modesty
20. Self-condemnation/ Self-forgiveness
21. Susipicion /Trust
22. Doubt /Faith

The Mermaid Chair

I just finished this book and almost set it down because it is about a women who commits adultery with a monk. Parts were painful to read, but in the end she tells her husband and they reconcile. It is a fiction book by Sue Monk Kidd, but here are a couple of quotes from it that struck a cord in me.

"...there is a release in knowing the truth no matter how anguishing it is. You come finally to the irreducible thing, and there is nothing left to do but pick it up and hold it. Then, at last, you can enter the severe mercy of acceptance."
"Forgiveness was so much harder than being remorseful. I couldn't imagine the terrible surrender it would take." (talking about her husband)
"It had been humbling to discover his own capacity for violence and revenge...He had stopped envisioning himself going to the monestary and taking the man by the throat, but he did not deny there were moments when he wanted the monk to choke and bleed.
He would never act on it of course, but even the wanting to, the needing to, expelled cherished notions he'd held about himself. He was not special. He was not entitled. His goodness, his enlightement, did not set him apart. He was like all the rest, carrying around the same huge quantities of darkness.
The knowledge of this had driven him down into his own humanity. Once in a while, he was capable of seeing himself as more than the pain he felt, he'd hoped his suffering was not being squandered, that somewhere inside it was making him pliant and tender." (this really rings true for my emotions the past few days for sure)
"Each day we pick our way through unfamiliar terrain. Hugh and I did not resume our old marriage- that was never what I wanted and it was not what Hugh wanted either- rather we laid it aside and began a whole new one. Our love is not the same. It feels both young and old to me. It feels wise , as an Old women who is wise after a long life, but also fresh and tender, something we must cradle and protect. We have become closer in some ways, the pain we experiences weaving tenacious knots of intimacy, but there is a separateness as well, the necessary distances."

A total chic book, but nonetheless I could identify with her husband when he learned the truth and the back and forth winds of emotions he experienced.